Repair Away

You fix it.  Hurry before someone from the government comes to help.  Take a wrench to the sputtering engine before a representative from your capital sends a drone to pulverize your vehicle into submission.  Those holding the hammer next to the shattered china cabinet’s contents swear they only showed up to help hit things back into wholeness. Despite the purported assistance, we’re left trying to reassemble our fragmented existences. Things are being destroyed somehow, which assuredly has no relation to those who dash off at the sound of sirens.

The world is in disrepair, which is problematic as we presently have nowhere else to go.  Hell doesn’t count.  We’re no safer despite promises to forge a path of friendship.  These oceans are tricky to pave. A plan for fighting ISIS isn’t as important as dishonoring a Founding Father by removing his mug from bills we don’t have, anyway.

Wondering who allowed the death cult with a grudge against us to thrive is a question that doesn’t get asked.  But have you thought about what you’ve done to prompt their contempt? Stop being an arrogant American who wants to not bother anyone.

Making us exchange insurance we liked does harm. Well, how would you fix it? Subsidizers ask repeatedly so as to not hear your answer.  Well, we already identified a solution about five seconds after the Health Crisis Task Squad started gobbling our beloved plans.  Many have proposed competition from different states and insurers other than the ones your dumb work chooses for you. But all those options could be confusing.  Simplify your life.  You don’t get to say no.

We face a peculiar political foe who somehow thinks removing options creates efficiency.  Government will be really good at pleasing you like it always does, especially when your other option is punishment.  Taking away subsidies is very cruel, at least according to those who don’t ponder why they’re needed in the first place.

We have a moral obligation to help people who are always broke. It’s as if someone in this era of federal intervention holds back productivity.  I can’t think of any correlation.  Would adding less debt provide relief? Nah: all this spending is bound to pay off, so it’d be foolish to stop now. You don’t quit plunking into a slot machine because you’re losing money, as the jackpot could arrive with the next pull.  This is not the time to ponder whether odds tilt in the house’s favor: it’s crisis emergency hour, which requires action.  Pull the arm again.

Broken items are the cheapest.  Liberals would rather let people afford things by making them worthless. Worst of all, this junk gets expensive, unless you’re one of the lucky few whose insurance premiums were bribed slightly downward.  Letting people earn enough to create value sounds rambunctious.  We better just throw student loans at high school graduates so colleges will keep making tuition cheaper.  Next, we’ll try to figure why the vacancy rate is unnervingly low in places with rent control.

We just randomly got here through the arbitrary cruelness of existence.  Man, that sucks.  At least it’s not our fault that we gained weight just because we like buttered cupcakes.  Bad things just happen according to people who like drawing attention away from potential sources of mayhem.

People who come up a little short in the success department don’t want you pondering if we control events.  It’s tougher to figure out why people are poor instead of subsidizing them to not be so.  Sure, they spent all you earned.  But now you’re acting like it’s their fault you don’t have any purchasing power. It’s mean.

Americans appreciate federal friends trying to realign satellite dishes with potato guns.  But holstering their weapons would be more helpful. This government could actually patch things by doing nothing.  We’re the handymen, not the dopes we assign to guard the paving fund.  Best of all, sitting there so actual useful humans can thrive takes no active planning, which is great news for parasites lazy enough that they’d rather win elections than find respectable employment.

A properly-limited government stimulates in a way wasting money like there’s a prize for doing so never could.  We already have an extensive list of items to mend that our superiors attempted to assemble for us.  They can’t even do their assigned tasks.  Our leaders were supposed to buy a security system with some of the money they nicked as an allowance.  But they frittered it on Slush Puppies and the claw machine. Having nothing worth a larceny is a novel way to deter thieves.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at


Low Esteem

Your leaders’ stirring way of treating you like garbage is designed to teach you a lesson, namely to pipe down and do as told, idiot.  The only way you’ll learn to comply is through a planned program of humiliation.  Luckily for you, seeing the public as a worthless burden is one of the few things politicians do well. From major violations to petty irritants, you’re here to serve your masters, who pay you back by mushing up your vegetables with only the slightest of sighs.  They barely even stab themselves with forks.  Watch them presume you can’t do anything right as they do everything wrong.

Ingrate Americans never ponder the damage caused by living, much less thinking and acting.  Uncontrollable bureaucracies are necessary to control impulses to enjoy the day.  It’s your fault the EPA claims the human-created miracle of flight is a menace, the FDA decides what ingredients are good for you without the option to be bad, and the FCC slams the brakes on humans accelerating through an unregulated internet. Also, you need insurance subsidies if you’re going to be sick, you big baby. Sitting still would help out those who boss you around.  But no: you have to be so inconsiderate.  Your minders are exhausted from telling you what to do, so just obey the rolled-up newspaper.

Life’s supervisors are too important to face voters. Your perception that the federal workforce is stocked with know-nothing incompetent putzes trying to run everything just angers them.  You wouldn’t believe how drunk on power useless nobodies could get.  They really dig the taste of blood.  Grumps still whisper that this White House delegates bullying to the worst sort of government employees, namely those ruining our lives without having to know the chance of being fired.  What: do you want people who care for you to not make rent?  They deserve to afford laser tag after a full day.

How do you even get food, much less chew on your own?  You can’t care for yourself, silly.  The thought of you trying to pay bills is quaint.  You may as well call people by their genders based on chromosomes or suggest the Confederate flag honors war dead, you nasty reactionary.  Those notions are best left in history with the sexist racists like affinity for the Constitution.  If you follow that crinkly rulebook literally, you’d be responsible to provide yourself and virtually never come in contact with your government.  Do you want to be hungry and lonely, citizen?

The newfangled way is to end stress by taking what’s dispensed instead of working.  As a result, the ultimate source of compassion needs to give sham insurance to all.  Well, “give” is a loaded term, as it will cost your dignity.  And all that purportedly free junk bleeds the economy, so forget looking for work even if you foolishly hope to spend time doing another’s bidding.  All you’d get out of that is accomplishment and payment.  Instead, be at the mercy of people whose job is taking from others for you.  The pittance doesn’t last long. But being at welfare’s mercy is viewed as beating life as a wage slave.

To be fair, you deserve to be jobless and bossed around on account of how you haven’t been ruled out as a terrorist.  Tossing you in the suspect pool is this administration’s way of not discriminating.  Using things like patterns to find suspects would harm feelings of bomb plotters.  The NSA is worried about your legacy, which is why phone records are part of archived history.  Sure, having everything you do recorded is not as exciting as it seems.  And authorities are unable to keep you safe, which is one of their very few actual tasks. Disclose you have a rattlesnake flag to help them narrow the field.

Harassment for existence sucks no matter the scale. Self-appointed supervisors think it’s their right to make your decisions in this most patronizing era. It’ll cost you: those lucky enough to work can only make so much before leaders pick where earnings should be invested.  Sure, none of their get-rich schemes have gotten anyone close.  But they have high hopes for this high-speed rail stock.

The White House and minions are awful to you because that’s why they think they won.  We obviously elected them to push us around.  A slim majority obviously wanted to remove the burden of choice in the name of glorious submission, so everyone else has to cope with being trampled by people who can’t stand on their own.  The goons’ efforts to discourage entrepreneurship have been partly effective.  The humiliation will continue for as enough sickos enjoy it.  Curse those who made it a valid career choice.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at

What Happened?

I am unable to determine why I passed out on the kitchen floor after the whiskey bottle’s label slid itself upward.  My ability to diagnose cause and effect has disappeared along with my balance, although my self-esteem is off the chart.  I am able to piece together from the conclusions of others that things just occur, according to pacifists who’d prefer you to not notice how actively they downplay connections.  Noticing what occurs next takes the fun out of harebrained plans.

Drunks are no help in tracking down missing booze.  It certainly couldn’t be that people whining about this mean universe’s capriciousness prompted stupid things to take place within it.  Some dissenters believe it’s possible to negatively manipulate events by, say, treating property as best cared for by the state or maintaining Islamic lunatics just need coddling. Bad things could result from decisions.  But acknowledging the role of actions in results requires conceding personal responsibility exists, which is as popular as Friendster.

This White House is eager to help those who randomly struggle since Inauguration Day 2009, as there’s no correlation possible.  So many are testing if they can enjoy life without money, not precisely by choice.  It’s as if present policies create gloom. But perceiving a connection seems too obvious.  Law & Order has taught us that the most obvious answer isn’t the correct one, so let’s blame the Tea Party people.

It’s cruel to not aid those trudging through the returnable bottles economy.  Litter your receptacles to get the money flowing.  Just to be safe, let’s give them handouts instead of chances.  We had money right up until the government started convincing us that toxic mortgages were healthy.  Obliterating the funds we had and 18 trillion dollars we didn’t failed to appease the angry demigods of equality.  We clearly need to sacrifice more.  Make out checks to “Cash.”

Does the world have to fall apart alongside our economy, too?  We can’t get a break here.  There’s international chaos for some mysterious reason.  America was handed bad circumstances as it elected someone who apologizes for peace.  It doesn’t seem to be taking hold just yet.

Our new supposed pals wallow in the planet’s most rancid garbage while dumping it on the mowed lawns.  The lack of universal harmony is our fault for having values like letting people keep what they obtain through trade, defending our interests, and not stoning gays.  Standards are very offensive to culturally developing areas.

It transpires infrequently enough to be newsworthy, but actions can affect life in a positive manner.  Astute maneuvers can in fact lead to less nastiness, as seen by how there are fewer muggings and burglaries as more innocent people are allowed to shoot back.

A nation with ample arms to bear also coincidentally has a government not worth overthrowing, although it’s certainly brushing against the warning track. Point out that shootings by bad people decrease in areas where bad people can be shot if you enjoy leftists scowling.  But let’s not draw conclusions because everyone’s packing heat.

This plane of existence is just a coin flip, as nobody is rich enough to have paper currency anymore.  We are at the mercy of fate, a force which apparently dislikes Democratic administrations.  It can’t be that compassionate actions in equality’s name actually spread anguish to all.  White House flacks point out bad things that just happen to happen when the state does everything but the handful of proper tasks it’s actually assigned.  Life is so cruel to people with dreams of altering DNA.

On that note, Barack Obama has the worst luck.  What are the odds that everything falling apart lined up with his terms? Play the lottery after getting struck by lightning, jeez. Sure, he ascended to the presidency by exploiting a crisis caused by policies he embraced. Being cool and having a novel complexion for a candidate are very wise reasons to back a contender.  But reality resists his awesome concepts.

You’re not going to stick continuous deterioration on Mister Inheritance, are you?  It’s as if you’ve learned nothing from the Vacuum President.  He kindly taught you to see life as a series of oppressions, starting with the cruel indignities inflicted on himself.  Why, he was only elected president twice.  And jerks are mean to him just because he’s atrocious at the job.

There are promising developments ahead if there’s no connection between progressive concoctions and the ensuing state of affairs.  That means pushing the same toxic subprime mortgages that made the world into a shantytown won’t have fearful consequences any more than weakness in the face of evil will provoke peril.  We better hope that’s the case. If bad things follow having the government do everything except its job, it means the ache is not about to dull.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014columns at