Sitting in a cushy recliner with nothing to do but plow through Netflix leaves plenty of time to ponder misery. Too much comfort is actually possible. We’re living the soft nightmare, as numerous Americans with everything going for them have decided nothing’s right. In fact, the plushness enables minds to wander to anger about trifling matters. Curse you, cushions.
Modern humans are not about to get out of the recliner as long as the magic glow screen is in reach. Use an amazing device that embodies achievement by its ability to access all of human knowledge to complain about the oppression of pronouns. Who can enjoy life while so many cops are planting evidence like The Shield’s still on the air?
Our species has conquered many major issues, which is why it vents about annoyances which the average serf wouldn’t comprehend. So many major fears have been addressed by ingenuity. One unfortunate result has been enabling fear of trifling inconveniences. Whining about how awful our posh lives are is the surest way to experience fullness. The present should be time for gratitude. Instead, humans who want for nothing bitch about everything. Nobody in a World War I trench thought to be offended by microaggressions.
The lack of genuine agony is reflected in professional whining from amateur humans. Those who are so useless that they must run for office in order to stave off starvation lead the charge. Stop thinking you’re happy and let a politician buy your loyalty with someone else’s involuntary contribution.
Be wary of excessive exposure to presidential candidates explaining why life is patently unfair in a country they want to lead for some reason, as such effete grandstanders are more toxic than Chernobyl. Proclaim that America is oppressive for making erstwhile students pay back student loans if you’re looking for primary traction.
Seeking problems is a sure sign they’re prominent. Deep students only have 15 hours per week in class even without skips, so they have plenty of free moments to solve issues they invent for others. Use time loafing on campus to decide accurate descriptions are offensive enough to be banned. Hearing Ben Shapiro speak is the most devastating crime imaginable. Notions of right and wrong are so offensive that they should be banned. Once the noxious ideas can no longer be spoken, we’ll finally have tolerance.
The best way to sum up 2019 is by noting freaking socialism has traction. That’s government ownership of the means of production, a definition unproductive self-proclaimed socialists fail to know. I’m shocked they’re ignorant.
Lightweight fascists think their cool new fad means helping others instead of selfishly keeping what you earned are going to be disappointed by wifi in gulags. There will be many years to miss the present system if anyone actually starts believing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Most of last century was devastated by idiots who can’t function seeking to control others. Why learn and take the surprise out of life?
Some people rent dwellings instead of owning them if you’re looking for human rights violations. Have we tried throwing more money? An exactly backward approach to fixing a non-problem works as well as expected. Those who think there’s a good way to increase home ownership other than with a better economy are bound to increase subsidies that caused the initial problem. More napalm should extinguish this blaze.
Next, increase wages and allow more people to buy insurance. Just kidding: make everything free! It’s cheaper, silly. Treating problems as a moral crisis to be alleviated by law inevitably exacerbates them, but at least it’ll create more woes about which to preen.
Looking for slights creates actual grave problems. The casual rejection of ideas that have been deemed hurtful makes people afraid to express common thoughts. Don’t you dare call America’s most notorious traitor his birth name instead of Chelsea.
Hate speech is defined as anyone who disagrees with you. You’re in luck if you get to be in charge of who’s punished for uttering ideas you find distasteful. Thinking a man who calls himself a woman remains a man is hazardous to your Twitter account. Feelings are hurt by noting biology.
Sure, nobody’s starving, but remember how a handful of frustrated nerds on social media thought Captain Marvel would be bad? A female superhero movie can’t be considered on its own terms. Movie heroes resembling superficial characteristics of unfashionable groups is our time’s greatest challenge. Taking interpretation of fictional characters as a personal affront is a sure sign real life is agonizing. We have the collective expected maturity expected from a culture defined by comic book characters.
Those cheering for a return to the Warsaw Pact’s preferred finances and tolerance should be fearing their own success. But it’s tough to maintain self-awareness when purposeless lives are dedicated to silly causes. Full-time ingrates rail against the very system that enables ample free time. Ironically, they call to return to the rampant statism that has doomed humanity every time it’s been tried. They’ll know true pain if they get what they demand. At least ironically rueful memories will offer some comfort.