Mock Correctly

Actual criticism of the Trump presidency should be as easy as pointing out there’s something odd about his hair. Only liberals could blow it.  That’s one way to show how much they still admire Hillary.

An oafish con man whose guiding principle is his own awesomeness despite evidence got all the way to the top, and those waging pretend war against him waste their capital on the silliest of conspiracies.  Nobody involved is a good entrepreneur, and it shows. They’re mustering the Obamacare of criticisms as he doesn’t really repeal it.

Would you believe anti-Trump protesters are stressed out?  I’m starting to wonder if they’re a bit overwrought.  By their own predictions, they should be in internment camps by now, and I doubt they’d have enough wifi there to bitch as much as they do on social media.

A silenced populace shouldn’t be able to moan this much.  At least the First Amendment is proven safe.  Still, the tension caused by perpetually flexed muscles might manifest itself in hateful lunacy. The science is settling.

This term has featured countless offenses against decency and sense.  The president has done lots of silly things, too.  Like a defense lawyer wearing rainbow suspenders, nothing they do is taken seriously.  Why not count to 10 before posting a thoughtful Facebook manifesto on why Trump’s junta means he should be arrested by Secret Service agents?

You can love your grandma and ice cream at different levels.  Perhaps attempt to mock this predictably oafish golden White House without calling for impeachment proceedings to begin in the next five minutes.

Going to DEFCON 1 every day is exhausting to silo manners, especially considering they don’t believe in military spending.  Citizens eventually tune out the sirens.  The silence will be deafening when the power’s cut, especially if there was never the armageddon which was supposed to come every weekday.

The purportedly openminded should expand their horizons.  Consider their stereotype of a heartless businessman.  Like most things Democrats believe, it’s untrue.  This favor-buying showman posed his way into media appearances by slapping his name on the gaudiest of tacky buildings, which is to say the opposite of generating value.  He should’ve been busy reviewing contracts.  But that would make him an actual capitalist.

Trump’s self-appointed progressive enemies should loathe actual businessmen for a change.  The targets are hard to spot on account of being too busy creating goods and services to run for president on an ego-driven whim.  Perhaps they should even attempt to copy the example of making customers happy, as manufacturing resentment doesn’t seem too profitable unless one can get on MSNBC.  But they don’t seemed programmed for optimism despite all the bullplop Barack Obama fed them.

Those who have the most right to be offended are conservatives.  Naturally, they’re the quietest.  Try to spot them by how they sigh upon noting their fates.  By contrast, marching with poster board featuring a cuss word is the primary way of signaling virtue.  You’d think the public rage would be reversed considering whose views are linked to a lurching brute whose own doctrine is a bit more lax.  The fact those who remembered the Constitution is real aren’t smashing Starbucks demonstrates self-control is more than something they merely profess.

As for our liberal friends who seem to want aneurysms, they struggle to argue with their indoor voices.  It goes beyond struggling with losing to this trashy bordello supervisor.  More glaringly, they still refuse to admit he’s human even if reasonable doubts are understandable.  Sure, he might not embody the best of our species as he airs out personal beefs in poorly-constructed beefs in lieu of serving with dignity as head of state.  But I’m afraid he’s still one of us.

Such melodrama is natural from those who presume that not only can there be no reasonable dissent but also that every issue determines the universe’s fate.  As a reminder, they think their side has all the funny people.

By shrieking until our ears bleed, they show how pain is communal.  The eternal wail is not exactly creating allies.  Adult tantrums actually alienate those of us who think he neither has the experience nor demeanor to run a 7-Eleven cash register, much less be the most powerful man on Earth. I shuddered there.

A semi-celebrity putz may not have been the best choice to serve as head of state for the universe’s best nation.  But that doesn’t make a china-smashing buffoon evil.  It’s easier to go with Voldemort Hitler than make reasoned criticisms.  Maybe they fear realizing how often they agree with him if they really thought it out.

Set aside the mutual fondness for curing illnesses with the healing power of executive authority.  Liberals will never stop fuming at a president whose policies they’d like if they didn’t know his name.  They cope by making reckless assumptions in rants too emotional to feature proper grammar.

Trump’s liberal enemies are as over-the-top as he is.  Nobody seems into finding common ground even if they’re standing on each other’s toes.

Outside for a Reason

Irrationality leads to irony.  Let’s learn this time.  Oh: forget it.  We’ll end up ruing unlearned lessons yet again if we remember anything at all, as forgetting what was for breakfast yesterday what our species does. Is that what happened?  Anyway, take how we think of those in office as cockroaches without the charm yet keep electing vermin.  We’re all beyond sick of politicians.  So, vote for someone who doesn’t know politics.  Now look surprised when incumbents know how to neutralize him.

A go fish player promised he’d come in and beat poker pros.  They were totally going to be taught how to bluff.  Instead, the guy whose Atlantic City poker palaces have locked doors is showing everyone else at the table his cards.  I was so sure he wouldn’t be outfoxed by people who have dedicated their lives to marking them.

Teach Jared Leto to not be pretentious, and he stops being who he is. Maybe that’s good.  But it’s better to find someone fundamentally different than attempt to change someone fundamentally flawed.  Take avoiding a president who has no idea.  A coherent ideology would’ve been a good start.  But that would require thinking out actions, which doesn’t really jibe with our impulsive incumbent’s approach.  Go double or nothing on debt.

Someone who claims to just get things done inevitably doesn’t know how to go about it.  I suspect the president is continuing his lifelong hobby of stumbling along and being admired for it. Cynicism is who I am, so I’m sorry to be cruel to the sensitive boy in charge. Still, the difference between conception and reality is embodied by how the Red Hat Brigade portrayed their robust messiah compared to how flaccid he’s been in office. The example should and will never be heeded.  His election continues to resonate.

The impromptu presidency is going exactly as you’d figure.  That’s not a virtue.  The daily Oval Office randomness is surprisingly predictable.  Find sick amusement in how a professional politician might know how to get around the barriers against which Trump is bruising his pompadour.

The figurative competent bore elected on Earth-Two would not only possess a worthwhile platform but have displayed a way to get it enacted.  Think of, oh, a senator or governor with a history of useful votes.  Then remember all that starry-eyed hope you had when you were young and innocent last year.

A lack of clear-cut principles means flexibility.  Sure: go with that.  Fantasyland is where every decision breaks our way.  For those who won’t spend that much to be told what to do by Disney’s chief rat, we know that someone with no ideology inevitably acts as a statist goon.  Get into power and conclude every problem can be fixed by it.  The tendency is as apparent as the president’s eagerness to boast.

A dashing billionaire who loves natural rights and can do more pull-ups than even Putin couldn’t possibly let down his entirely levelheaded fans.  The confusion when he doesn’t act like Reagan is particularly acute.  They were so certain when he was so much better than that lightweight prequel president.

Sure, he didn’t technically make any of the stirring defenses of liberty his shock troopers heard.  But L. Don Trubbard’s Sea Org wasn’t going to be deterred by anything like the record.  In fact, they’re going to destroy those with blasphemous notes that slander the prophet with insolent accuracy.

A guy who ran for an office he didn’t want is sure to think just like you.  Figure he’s bound to be for shrinking bureaucracy just like he’s a genuine real estate titan.  If you never presumed Trump is a Burkean adherent of natural rights, your pessimism is dragging down an otherwise omniscient leader.

Projecting dreams on him is how he got here despite how he’s not good at it or fit for it.  Someone without a defined outlook comes across as phony, which is quite a feat in its way.  But I’m sure this president wouldn’t just say something to please whichever audience he’s facing.

Gin may cure drunkenness.  Still, wait to operate heavy machinery until the morning just in case.  This solution doesn’t seem to be working. Those who maintained revulsion to one-party rule voted for the purported outsider who bolstered it.  All this confrontation has resulted in government cooperating to keep spending away.  Decide for yourself if the fight for nothing was worth it.

There’s bad news for those who thought the system would be shaking.  Instead, the roots are even further into the pipes. In fact, those inside hope for someone foolish enough to think he’ll storm in and school them. A charlatan’s inevitable ineptness allows slimy congressional pros to do as they wish.

Bored at the challenges he didn’t bother to imagine, the incumbent goes along with, what’s the word, the establishment.  If you thought you were sick of politicians before Trump came along, wait until he’s done.

We’re to Blame

Useless people taking us all down with them is kind of a skill, which should help their self-esteem.  Collectivizing failure might reduce credit. But that’s not an issue for those who never earn it.  Lack of personal responsibility is part of having a country where everyone pays for everyone else.  That means nobody’s billed, which costs more than expected.  Still, splitting the check evenly is popular among those who order potato skins and three extra margaritas. Yours got way more salt than mine.

Sharing as policy is endorsed by those who aren’t good enough at anything to succeed on their own.  Forget seeing life as pleasantly demanding, as pouting is how some relax.  Get enough ingrates to vote and you can make those willing to face the day’s challenges cover your bills. Those who don’t believe in the entrepreneurial spirit sure are fine with exploiting it.  They only believe productivity exists to mooch.

Charge the hive.  If collectivism is good enough for insects, it should be for the jerk species that starts wars and doesn’t always recycle.  Lousy humans made the Earth tricky for bees, so copy them as an apology.  But the nagging self-awareness distinct to Homo sapiens makes many think we could give individuals credit.  Unlike bugs, we could even call them by name: good job, Lou and Cindy.

Just how are human-loathing humans confused?  They either don’t realize they’re making things more expensive on the whole or are fine with billing others.  Classify targets as the rich to make confiscation feel morally correct, as if being relatively successful justifies taking more to give to those who make less. Forget actual cost-cutting through letting businesses slug it out for our bucks: lower prices by punishing raises. The guilt over eternal handouts will hopefully last slightly shorter.

America doesn’t have lots of money: certain individuals do.  If you’re not one, learn a trade instead of slamming those who already did.  Presuming that cash belongs to all of us isn’t just very selfless.  Even worse, it ignores what enabled so many to afford beverages for the whole party at White Castle even if there are free refills of fountain drinks.

Citizens are left the hell alone to earn at will, at least theoretically. Those solemnly proclaiming “A country as rich as ours should be able to (provide insurance for all citizens/pay a living wage/buy everyone a hydrofoil in the color of one’s choice)” never seem interested in joining the ranks of the promoted. Sanctimony can only be sold so often.

Did you know some scientists think there are consequences for actions? Those who predict civilization’s effects would have flooded America into Nebraska a decade ago should pay attention to these experiments’ results.

Liberals never realize the cure is the cause.  Taxing success ensures there are fewer rich jerks to sock.  Wealth transfer doesn’t help either end of the mandatory transaction.  The philosophical violation has nasty practical effects.  But nobody said tearing up the Constitution would create comfort.

Guilty millionaires don’t make it easier by compensating with preening. They demand publicly to not get a slight lowering of the astounding burden they presently bear, although they tell their accountants differently.  Aside from their curious fondness for deductions and aversion to voluntary contributions, it remains mysterious why they don’t want to help their fellow humans by hiring them or buying stuff they sell or make.

Spreading wealth makes it harder to gain. That’s one of those lessons to learn before wondering if grass clippings are edible.  Some are just trying to stuff their pockets before the riot cops arrive and ruin all the fun.  Who cares if the country’s getting poorer as long as I’m handed some?

The ironically selfish urge to take from others is going to take force.  Someone else should be paying your bills.  Greedy people refuse to hand over the goods for which they toiled, so we’ll have to make a law.  The new type of criminal doesn’t want to be taxed into oblivion.  These felons steal from their own paychecks.

People who think gender switcheroo is possible have trouble with other pronouns, too.  “Me” becomes “we” so easily.  Third-person plural enables us to claim acclaim like we did something just watching.

Sports fans who refer to their teams as if they were on rosters illustrate the perils of fantasy.  Who could learn to run a pass route?  Just like it never occurs to our enlightened neighbors that they could help charities on their own, redistributionists figure they’ve got no chance.  They may be right.  But that doesn’t entitle them to drag down everyone else.

A Place of Their Own

We are sorry the wealthiest and freest place around isn’t up to liberals’ standards.  The insufferable Yelp reviewers of politics know just how much cilantro their dishes should have contained despite struggling to operate microwaves on the rare nights when they don’t dine out.

America must be a horrid place when so many commoners can pay others to prepare and serve meals a couple times per week.  Tweet about how bland everything is at Cafe America from a magic affordable pocket screen that accesses all information we have from space beams.

It’s tough to debate freedoms with those who think we shouldn’t have them. Take how Obamacare didn’t go far enough because Republican hate speech made the public aware that people are capable of buying their own things.  Some are only happy after change.  Intolerant equality fans think this country became great once it allowed intramural marriage, so the president’s slogan made no sense.

Love is conditional, according to sophisticated modern man.  Liberals will remain patriotic as long as judges order their policies into place. Admiration is precarious.  A slight cut in federal funding for Planned Parenthood’s baby foundry means this will be a worse place than the Darth Vader lava planet. He didn’t care about global warming like a typical Republican.

Those sweet kids who think we can be ordered to buy something by law don’t much care for the country.  That’s not a slander.  In fact, they’d think it’s a compliment.  The obvious and lazy charge is nonetheless accurate. Love America so much that you want to change everything about it.  We help each other, you know.  Doing so by law may get pricey, but that’s how we ensure trust.

Those who can’t determine why the government failed to create efficiency despite what the law said are confused about so many things.  In particular, they never seem to be sure if they think America is worse than people who fuel cars with gasoline or if they love a pretend version where forced insurance embodies our values.  Either way, their schemes don’t fit in a country founded in the name of being left alone.  We trust you can do it.  Of course, our Founding Fathers didn’t anticipate future people would invent genders and get offended by the suggestion that human progress isn’t ruining our world.

To be fair, liberals like it when everything’s going wrong.  They only feel patriotic when they get something that’s blatantly against the values that got us to first place in the Nation Olympics.  Medals are elitist, not to mention mining for them displaces indigenous peoples in the name of wasting Mother Gaia’s resources.

The enthusiasm when, say, the Supreme Court imposes its will evaporates instantly if they don’t get precisely what they want.  That’s adulthood for you.  Revoke their crummy insurance and suddenly they’re going to indulge in tantrums like true adults.

The inability to control rage is a symptom of a disease. Sufferers view America as just another UN country.  In fact, we’re worse than authentically poor nations because of our dedication to free exchange and banishment of war criminals to the afterlife.  Look for purportedly snarky tweets featuring the phrase “But the Constitution!” for a sense of their contempt.

It’s all about perspective.  Take some that are miserable.  Conservatives celebrate Independence Day despite infringements.  Liberals scoff despite getting what they want.  Decide which is more pleasant.

Mocking those who are uncool enough to feel blessed they’re in a country where taxation is viewed as a felony reminds us how easy it is to not appreciate what’s accepted.  It’s remarkable that wholesale socialism is so popular in a country that got here precisely by stomping it out.  People who got rich by whining about greed know how to profit in their way.

Even American Idol’s return can’t account for this much idiocy. Blame a combination of public schools who prove why government sucks hard at everything and people with nothing left to do but bitch thanks to lives so comfy thanks to the free market.  Those who have learned away from the educational public option know to call that irony.

Would anyone like to move somewhere that’s already been ruined?  Unlike the snotty left’s ludicrous proposals, getting the hell out is only a suggestion.  They can stay here and be miserable at the endless battle against free will and limited government.  Or visit somewhere enlightened people perfected like Venezuela.  Cuba is both perfectly equal and easy to reach by plane.

It’s not mean or too simple to note Elizabeth Warren’s fan club officers really don’t seem comfortable here.  A racist hellhole that thinks people should buy their own things is no place for an enlightened progressive.  Asking if they’d like to leave fairly modest compared to their seething fantasies about anyone who disagrees.  It’s no wonder they want gun control.

Wrong in New Ways

Who wants to spend all day deciding?  Your self-appointed superiors have deemed which options are unpalatable.  You jerks won’t even thank them.  Don’t look at previous results like some insubordinate ingrate.  Making assumptions relieves us of burdens, including how the free market is sweet because you can go to either Subway or someplace good. The notion of liberty is itself is a false choice.  Eat your fake Italian hero while being glad the government picked the perfect doctor for you.

It’s bad enough that those who elbow their way into power always figure there’s only one solution that coincidentally involves giving them more. But they have to lobotomize us as well.  The regular elections of such overbearing doofuses aside, we should get to exercise the basic right of going with this and not that.  But those who think removing competition creates efficiency aren’t into our autonomy. They never try something else because they don’t know it’s possible.  At least that explains the stuffiness.

There’s no need to think liberals are evil just because they do so for us. Forget how we’re mass murderers because we want to fix their catastrophes.  Who wants to join them in hitting rock bottom?  Imagine saying “equality” with that dim smirk to scare oneself off the idea.  No, those who think Washington is proficient at repairs are simply misguided. Their refusal to think there may be another way explains the delusion, sort of.

Getting our options confiscated isn’t what we mean by costs versus benefits.  Federal bossiness is demonstrably inefficient at liberty’s expense, which free market fans note is not an ideal tradeoff.  Declaring simple unsupervised transactions to be appalling is how they maintain control.  It’s not just over us but their own minds.  Well, you try living with such beliefs.  Obamacare remains the only way to help each other, according to those who think churchgoers are icky.

Why do you want something to cost money? The government can just give it to you. And here you are claiming to understand finances. There’s never been a catch in the world’s history, right? See, the thing is that anything generated will incur expenses. We’ll cover supply and demand in the next lesson.

Until then, put “free” in quotes every time.  The government ruling that something is ours complimentarily makes it both worthless and more expensive.  Defying economics is their specialty.  Sure, reality doesn’t warp to their will.  But there’s no need to check results when you’ve shown how much you care via spending the income of others.

It’s not like liberals would ignore evidence.  You see the comatose economy despite attempts to revive it with unfathomable debt.  And news consumers are confused when campus lunatics are labeled mostly peaceful as they topple ATMs for the crime of being near a speaker they dislike.  But to them, noticing things is hateful accuracy.  Now excuse them as they fetishize science.

Feminist literature majors think the lab coat lady comes out and issues a proclamation that can never be disputed. Of course, there’s nothing more unscientific than declaring a subject can’t be questioned.  A conclusion doesn’t mean it’s concluded. Yet those who think gender is a feeling hate your guts for daring suggest we head back to the lab.  We can have a snack first.  Let’s check the government’s old food pyramid encouraging healthy Americans to stuff as many bread slices in their gullets as possible. Make a noodle sandwich to get high on carbohydrates.

Our kind and gracious political opponents presume we want the poor to starve.  There has to be some way to profit off it.  They don’t know how to make money, but this is presumably it.  Every Hollywood feature details how those who run companies are greedy dispensers of evil, and celebrities are notorious for their nonpartisan fairness.  Don’t listen to those foolish optimists who claim a better economy would mean fewer collective skipped meals, as they’re just hoping to make money by hoarding insurance from orphans.

Draining the economy to help it will raise the tide.  You landlubbers don’t notice the sea levels rising because you deny global warming.  Still, there could be another way to run the country than letting idiots tell us what to do every moment.

The present system of entrusting pompous dolts who resent the productive decide how money should be spent doesn’t seem to have helped.  But like Katy Perry fans who’ve never heard of the Ramones, some may not even know there’s a better option than misery.

All that spending buys nothing but dependency.  I know conventional wisdom has never been wrong, but maybe it’s time to ponder a solution that doesn’t make people so freaking resentful.  If central planning fails, more of it may not be the answer.  Lifetime government workers have never had to worry about overhead.  Why would they?  It’s not their money.

Bad Bebop

A president who doesn’t know what he’s doing should mean we can get away with anything up to incinerating desks.  The substitute teacher’s term should feel more fun. But the nerds insist we had a pop quiz scheduled.  Detentions will continue on schedule.  And forget learning.

Expect our president’s boasting of what he doesn’t know to continue.  His lack of qualifications was clear decades ago.  Some dare still claim a lack of skill is a virtue in and of itself.  Go in there fresh. Flight school is a boring way of ensuring the plane is level.  If you’re in the sky, why wouldn’t you like to bounce around?

The incumbent doesn’t like the job, which is as unsurprising as his lack of principles.  It’s hard and he’s not adulated nearly enough.  He naturally still believes he’s incredible based on the business of slapping his name on rubbish.  Those who predicted exactly this exhausting stalemate don’t feel victorious, especially with a depressing number of Bizarro Imperial Guard troops maintaining loyalty to a leader with his Napoleon hat on sideways.

Trying to bull his way through is bound to reassemble broken china. Brute force is better than some egghead thinking the doorknob might turn.  Donald Trump professes some vague notion of doing whatever works, which is like saying improve the economy as a plan and not a goal.

Those who haven’t formulated any ideological framework are pretty lousy at making up solutions.  But at least they’re not bound to lame rules. I’m sure football would be much more exciting if you could tackle anyone whenever.  It’s too bad he never got that rule change in the USFL.

Anyone who willingly or unwittingly fell for the executive’s shtick in the first place may not be admitting how reality unfolded.  It’s natural to hope the thing of which one conceives will be just as awesome in practice.  But we live in a Sea Monkeys world where the frustration caused by the chasm between what’s imagined and what occurs is omnipresent.  So that’s why everyone’s so grumpy.

Trump was going to be so amazing that there was no reason to even serve. He’s still not resigning, so banish the thought to fantasy.  The most zealous devotees aren’t going to let how he’s crummier than some qualified imaginary president with principles affect their affection. They’re going to keep writing eBay feedback before receiving their vintage t-shirt.  They’re out of luck when a women’s Bon Jovi concert top arrives instead of a New York Dolls one.

Of the innumerable charming aspects of our delightful president’s personality, my favorite is how he’s the precise opposite of straightforward despite countless brainless claims. Saying whatever comes to mind that moment is a form of veracity, unless he’s trying to suck up to whoever he’s facing.  But I see little evidence he’s capable of such treachery.  It’s quite an adventure wondering who he’ll placate next.  Would you believe he could suck up even more?

Sure, the semi-president is ideologically incoherent.  But at least we don’t get honesty out of it.  Constantly equivocating is odd behavior for someone who tells it like it is.  It’s as if he’s not the tough guy portrayed in muscular depictions on alternative internet message boards. Suckers out to compensate for their own rage don’t seem like the types to invest their hopes in a professional charlatan, so maybe Trump really can do that many push-ups.

Trump is consistent if the urge to order you counts.  He inevitably proposes more government as the answer.  It worked when he bribed politicians with donations, as that’s why we have eminent domain. Presuming government solves every problem is the territory of a political novice.  Did I mention he’s president?  That means he gets to order you to buy his products. It’s not too late for our teetotaler executive to again distill Trump Vodka and mandate we drink it at every meal.

I know it’s treasonous to suggest the president didn’t descend from Mar-a-Lago to save us wretches from glumness.  But I can’t ditch this nagging suspicion his promises are as useless as a Trump Plaza rewards card.

A business career of insane promises and meager results inspires even less confidence now. Decide for yourself whether words or actions are more important.  Some voters could’ve paid attention a few years ago.  But the frenzy about his game show was more interesting. Humiliating celebrities even more minor than him was almost too presidential.

Saying whatever will please whoever’s listening is how modern man stays truthful.  Nobody can accuse you of fibbing if you’re inventing ideas.  The free verse leadership style hasn’t started a war, but give it time.  This president could use improv classes, not to mention a few years learning how a bill becomes a law.  He was too busy selling himself to study before becoming America’s executive.

The salesman’s only product remains his off-putting personality.  Good luck to anyone still buying.  An experiment to see if someone without a clue gets Earth’s most important job is the rare case where the science is settled.

Good Aggrieved

That’s not funny.  What’s the joke?  It doesn’t matter.  The perpetually aggrieved tirelessly monitor our innocuous social media feeds to uncover hatefulness among the jokes about women drivers and Polish men.  I think we’re hilarious, too.  But there are still Melissa McCarthy fans out there, which we must accept no matter how disturbing it may be.

The whining life chose them.  You’d be cranky if you were on call 24 hours per day to catch insubordinate criminals who claim the Constitution protects hate speech.  Laughter only makes the predicament worse.  Joke about everything being racist, sexist, and homophobic to get blocked on Twitter before you can even call a godless crusader a smug twit.  You’re not permitted to giggle anymore.  This is serious business.

Oppressive fascists can’t criticize members of a party renowned for quiet competence like the Democrats.  Is that right?  Negligible growth is easy to track.  Note how they promote very sensible humans who can’t be criticized for what they say because of who they are.  Take Quasi-Queen Hillary, who was wholly unqualified and corrupt according to misogynists who commit the foul of being perceptive.  Elizabeth Warren isn’t a grandstanding faker, either, unless you want Native Americans to suffer more.  She is from Oklahoma, after all.

Leftist fellas are exempt from your mean taunts about their votes ruining the nation, too.  Criticizing John Lewis is for neo-Confederates.  He did something courageous half a century ago, you see, and thus gets to be unpleasant as he invents rights.  Acting as if he can’t be wrong about something is actually insulting to him as a human.  But that’s the price of respecting the most important part of people in these advanced times, namely what they were born having. I apologize for assuming everyone’s race and sex.

The one certainty is that those who’ve decided to be men are the biggest jerks around.  Only certain genders can be incorrect.  Married men have known this for years, but there will be no more guffawing about it.  Mansplaining is as funny as fake gender-neutral pronouns, and we must condition away the cruel reaction of laughing.  Let’s be human here.

If a member of a different gender knows something, it may be a sign of privilege depending on if one of the parties can diagram a zone blitz.  Once again, I’m sorry to assign liking football to men.  No woman should be embarrassed that some dumb dude knows something she doesn’t. The present urge to shut up men only seems ironic, like pointing out that women in Saudi Arabia can’t drive or show ankles to histrionic Americans who claim the nation wages war on the pretty gender.

Who would dare oppose their amazing and beautiful views?  Some of those performing custodial work may not have time to enlighten themselves. Grown-ups have been busy sweeping up after trillions spent bought nothing but nukes for Iran, which my guidebook indicates may not be a country that is particularly progressive toward ladies, gays, or America.  At least the mullah aren’t as hateful as Red State residents who are fine with homosexuality while thinking marriage is a special ceremony between a man and woman.

You can’t disagree, which really should unite us.  Liberals have decided they hold the only reasonable positions despite evidence provided by experimenting with implementation.  It’s not that they should be censored, even as revenge.

Our sillier fellow citizens are free to believe anything they want despite the inherent peculiarity.  In fact, they should proclaim their fondness for baffling submission to Washington so we can note their identities and go to a different Applebee’s.  Their use of words like “science,” “equality,” and “fairness” to claim nobody reasonable can think otherwise is itself a joy.

Liberals have to win semantically when they lose on results. Rampaging about opposition is a byproduct of convincing themselves only they have reached fair and worthy positions.  It’s okay when everyone who disagrees is a ghoul who claims Caitlyn’s really a dude. It’s convenient to not have to debate. That time formerly spent explaining why natural rights are artificial to some tyrannical Republican bonehead can be used to re-watch a Seth Meyers screed.

Fighting those heartless apes who claim the Constitution doesn’t contain an insurance mandate is exhausting.  The guardians of perpetual welfare naturally can’t joke while they’re saving the world from commerce.  On top of that, everyone’s hostile just because they noticed the results of all this enlightenment.  The country was so despondent after eight years of their policies that they were willing to try Donald goddamn Trump.  You think you’d be happy after that?  Keep offending them so they have things about which to feel.