Greet the Rich

People who can afford private armies don’t need my assistance battling. Sure, it might take two days for the battalions to show up with Amazon Prime. But moats and trebuchets should help them hold out in the meantime during the Class War. Defending the rich is just a hobby of mine even if I wish the subject would pay me. I’ll just have to know I have principles, which would feel more rewarding if I could buy stuff with it. I guess I’m just not greedy like holy souls who think there’s more to life than commerce.

Being scoffed at by liberals who are totally not condescending is part of modern politics. Like fans of 31 teams having the New England Patriots to loathe like the Death Star blotting out the Sun, we’re accustomed to the enmity. Selfless gentle souls who want to help others sure do spend lots of time despising those who are better at getting paid. Perhaps our pecuniary consciences would fume a bit less by learning to respect the right to large paychecks.

Wanting to take their things is how to stay selfless. Claim the plunder is for the collective to feel smug. Appreciating the right to earn whatever the hell you can is as American as shooting down metric road signs. By contrast, those who claim they’re not into judging others sure do think a person getting rich ruins life for the rest of us.

Someone else’s success doesn’t come at your expense. Liberals claim they’re empathetic then loathe anyone with a bigger yard. Jealousy is sure to spur success, which is why East Germany benevolently allowed the decadent West to reconcile.

The practical benefits of someone else earning enough to buy islands should be obvious. Who do you think rich jerks hire? Or they buy stuff, and that doesn’t help the economy or anything. Corporate tyrants have every right to bury their earnings in Mason jars. It’s benevolent of them to splurge to grease the economy.

Sharing what others earned helps us all, according to financial perverts. Confiscation doesn’t benefit anyone, although we can try again because Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says it’ll be cool. Let’s swim in cash by funneling more to bureaucrats with no accountability or profit motive to shape utopia. How did we get all this stuff? There’s nothing more created when life is viewed as containing only so much currency. We better listen to economic geniuses who think earning money is a matter of taking some. The lack of new funds is a supply and demand issue, right?

We need to have a talk with progressives about where money comes from. See, when a seller and buyer love each other very much, they can create a new bundle of affluence. I’m blushing. Still, such embarrassment beats not knowing where it comes from. Those who despise the rich act as if there’s a finite pile assigned capriciously by an unjust universe. I thought they believed in karma. Money never becomes wealth with such a wretched outlook.

I’m not rich today, which means it’s one day closer. It’s possible to want to be successful without hating success. I realize it’s super unhip to believe humans are capable of advancement. And thinking America presents unparalleled opportunities to get ahead is as corny as Hee Haw. But the dream of getting a raise beats ironic resentment-based outlooks.

Aren’t you so cool scoffing at authenticity? Those dumb Red Staters actually admire those who got ahead. The market’s critics are the same wholly selfless people who think not voting oneself limitless entitlements means going against one’s interests. Why would you not want Medicaid for all? Do you want to pay your own bills, gullible sucker? I’m sure federal assistance means the utmost in quality, as well. Getting health care should be as painless as renewing a driver’s license. Is your mail here yet?

I’m sorry for being innocent enough to think positivity is the way to go. Many of those who feast on mac and cheese every Thursday while counting the moments until the next paycheck are nonetheless glad someone else got rich even though they haven’t caught up. Maybe tomorrow will be richer. America is hopeful despite the way our world is. Regular earners think upgrading to Five Guys is still possible.

Understanding where things comes from helps. Those making seven or so figures aren’t stealing from anyone unless they went to Congress poor. I know it’s mind-blowing to those who think we have to grab slices from whatever pizza’s available, but it’s possible to bake more.

Mutual exchange allows for creation. The only catch is you have to be valuable, which is why so many useless jealousy-based people resent the idea. Aspiration is far more enjoyable than waiting for a pittance. Those who think not voting to punish success means harming oneself wonder why they never get ahead. Filling Molotov cocktails is not a sign of management material.

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Stop the Presses

The press is not the enemy, which makes this the first time Jim Acosta’s ever been right. Naturally, there’s a catch even then. His individual ineptness embodies the problem, as the media is not our noble servant, either. Sure, there are media villains pimping agendas instead of documenting facts, but that’s only pretty much most of them. Treating an entire profession like a communal good discounts the myriad ways particular members and outlets approach truth like I do a cash bar.

I have bad news for journalists who see their profession as a noble calling, namely that they’ve gotten yet another fact wrong. Covering others actually doing things should be the dullest job imaginable, as menial toilers ideally write down what others do while adding no action of their own. Actually being exciting means they’ve failed; luckily, most journalists are incapable. Adding their unpleasant spin is lamentably far more likely. The media is Tom from Office Space serving as a go-between where one is unnecessary. They have people skills!

The fedora-clad muckraker lugging a reel-to-reel tape recorder is especially obsolete in an era when everyone has enough equipment to commit journalism in one pocket. Magic cellphones eliminate the need to acquire bulky expensive audio equipment and purchase a newspaper or television, which means trouble for the field at both ends. The only thing worse for them is in the middle.

Learning what happened today is just another transaction. Journalism is much like stripping, if you seek an apt career comparison. The difference is nobody wants to see anyone on MSNBC take anything off. Still, both fields are here to ensure those with the dollars see what’s deemed important. The common jobs don’t feature either exploitation or empowerment: they’re just there to bring truth, whether it’s what the president said or what he likes once any of his wives have left the room. Most communications professionals are working the Tuesday afternoon shift where even the buffet won’t lure in foot traffic.

Get back here! News customers need to know what lectures are good for them. The narcissistic dictation is particularly ineffective in a media world where there’s a bit more choice than three channels and one rag. The arrogance of journalists is in direct contract to their intellectual prowess. Like most math, they don’t understand the ratio.

If you didn’t need to be told what to think, then why do reporters exist? Those who follow actual doers for a living reflexively noses turn up while lamenting what they deem the lowest common denominator. You’re supposed to seek news that’s both uninteresting and uninformative just like editors insist. Listen for their NPR voices. You can hear the condescending smirk.

The press isn’t one thing any more than the Los Angeles Rams and Oakland Raiders are equal because they’re technically in the same league. Grades depend on the performance of individual members, which is bad news for many individual performers.

Spot those who are lousy at covering our world by how they’re constantly trying to refer to the hive. The press is important, which means individual workers must be, as well. Those leaning on the work of others are the same people who think teaching is a special calling when it’s merely another job. Thanks for helping me learn fractions, as it truly inspired the future.

Nothing ruined journalism like progress. The public doesn’t have to buy lousy slanted newspapers for a vague idea of what happened yesterday. Blaming the internet for an industry that’s going the way of the Tip-Top Top Hat Factory is as reflexive as news partisans proclaiming objectivity. Those infernal video games ruined everyone’s attention span, too. The potential audience would compensate them for their content if there was anything desirable about it, which is why publishers loathe your willingness to stop reading upon hitting the paywall.

Stop scrutinizing the scrutinizers. Media members above criticism because they’ve decided that doing so means suppressing free speech. You can’t reply to someone who’s haranguing the president, as that hurts feelings. Why is there no license to practice the news? That’d stifle the rabble that dares note widespread grandstanding bias. You really should have to be employed by a conceited paper or smug network to really exercise those First Amendment rights. How dare you speak out of turn: you didn’t even get editorial approval.

Still, it may be that those who analyze politicians for a living are too thin-skinned to receive the same treatment. Pointing out the Washington Post isn’t worth the battery life it costs to check is a criticism of shoddy snotty work, not the right to speak. But I’m sure they get other facts correct.

Those whose careers are dedicated to calling out others sure hate when others do the same to them. The pompous are immune to irony, especially when they have no reason to be so. You could accept that you might be as inept as Hillary Clinton’s comedy coach and try to improve. But it’s easier to claim that mocking the press for spectacular ineptness destroys the Bill of Rights. The intrusive liberal junk they adore in their ever-objective dispatches is presumably printed on the Constitution’s back.

Angry at Madness

There is so much id from a man renowned for ego. Psychoanalyzing the president is the closest thing to an academic environment these days. Examine the humanity of someone who got promoted through life in spite of who he is, which has naturally left him fuming about everything.

Donald Trump is ticked about anything you’ve got. As part of being a leader, he’ll inspire everyone to loathe each other for at least two more years. Anger is only emotion he seems capable of feeling, as even his pride seems streaked with arrogance. The basest of presidents can help us learn about ourselves. It doesn’t matter if he’s doing so inadvertently.

Getting others to be as peeved is Trump’s only strategy. Unfortunately, it’s successful, as you may have noticed from everything that’s happened for about the last million news cycles. The only method for avoiding the cesspool of crankiness is to walk away. Decent people are only going to feel icky about sinking underneath the basement.

Think of your relatives for just a painful moment. I don’t know how your family gatherings go, but catching yourself before you even roll your eyes in front of your dysfunctional clan is the best way to endure Thanksgiving. You’ll have forgotten your cousin’s bizarre take on the day’s events on the drive home, while arguing back will ensure the holiday will be memorable for unfortunate reasons. As always, booze helps.

Anyone displeased about how everyone connected to politics sees each other as America-smashing Nazis could be nice as an alternative. If nothing else, try not to mimic the president. I know it’s not as fun to be polite, jerkface. See? I’m sorry for indulging in the very behavior I condemn.

But sinking to his level means you share something in common with America’s top shyster, and that would seem to be something many seek to avoid. Smiling through endured insults is not only a pleasant way to act but also an effective campaign strategy. Aren’t anti-Trump politicians trying to create contrast with the man they’ve sworn to stop?

It’s so easy to get as infuriated as someone throwing a tantrum. But toddlers aren’t going to respect the authority of someone who flails like they do any more than the president will. A muck war is exactly what he seeks. Why get your hands dirty just because he scooped dirt first? Agreeing to the filthy conditions he demands for combat is not only unpleasant but strategically unwise. His fans cheer shameless filthiness while his foes merely get as dirty. Wear a jumpsuit over a regular outfit to make laundry easy.

Anyone ticked about how ticked everyone is should focus on not being like him. That should be easy since he’s Rude Hitler, right? Do the opposite of whatever that orange orangutan does unless you want your Venn diagram to overlap with his. You already both exhale carbon dioxide which is used by plants for photosynthesis, so don’t push the circles even closer.

The dirty secret that Trump’s most devoted critics act as unpleasantly as he does, whether they secretly admire his devotion to rudeness or inadvertently amuse outsiders by hypocritically acting as uncouthly as him. It’d be easier to flaunt moral superiority without pantomiming the guy who’s the target of scoffing.

Stress drops by more than half when one side refuses to argue. Everyone could use a break from the constant bickering. The best news is that ending verbal brawls is as easy as not agreeing to participate. Ignoring his lame insults would make life far more tranquil. Pretending to hear nothing is just like what we’re always told to do with social media trolls. Life may not have a mute button, but the TV does.

It’s easy to get infuriated with someone nasty just in case it’s your first day on this planet and you were unaware. Anyone who’s toiled in customer service knows the fantasy of cursing at someone who’s been disagreeable to you without cause. Know you’ve gotten a mean nickname in the break room if you’ve ever told off a lackey trying to help you find your stupid toaster.

While hollering back seems natural, it’s only going to make the provoker satisfied. Smiling while pretending you didn’t hear a lame slight is going to tick off a horse’s ass way more than receiving the same reaction that was delivered. You can swear inside your skull if that helps with coping. How else would you deal with people all day? There’s no rule that says you have to get as angry as someone else. Use human black holes trying to consume your sunshine as a chance to demonstrate composure. You don’t have to thank them.

Really Fake Reality

What is real? Take a moment from throwing darts at each other to think about if sharp things even exist. Pain seems to be actually happening, so there’s evidence. This lunkheaded cable news shrieking era doesn’t seem like one for contemplating being. But we do know that everyone who disagrees does it wrong.

The subjective nature of experience has never been more apparent. No: you’re incorrect at life. Extend best wishes to those trying to establish truth when everyone’s accusing the other side of lying. Just because it’s accurate doesn’t make the lack of personal honesty inspirational. These dumb times are embodied by the utterance of the appallingly solipsistic phrase “My truth,” which is as demented as getting spiritual advice from Oprah.

Your track record follows you. Um, it’s on a track. So much of what DonaldTrump spews is preposterous enough that the exaggerations about his misdeeds seem plausible. That’s not to use his patently absurd nature as an excuse for spreading nonsense, as seen in non-apologies which blame his casual relationship with facts for not fact-checking. Still, everyone could take a deep breath and not presume what they heard about werewolves voting for the other side is true.

Warp the skyline until the horizon disappears. Are we still talking about politics? It’s hard to know what’s accurate when the surreal is commonplace. Check the transcripts along with  the affiliation of the person recording every word.

It’s so easy to knock down Trump that reporters can’t even jab him. Literal stenography would be enough to cause his downfall. That is what journalism is, after all. That fancy degree amounts to a career noting what others say. Members of the field are quite arrogant for observing what everyone else can already see. The task leaves the pompous twits suitably bored, which is why they try to explain how the world works in the closing seconds of segments. If you can’t do the easiest job competently, what hope is there to avoid starvation?

Your media betters are pompously unable to resist commentary and strangling context. Adding “He’s incorrect” in parentheses makes customers feel like they’re being sold a lecture. There aren’t many industries that thrive by telling customers what they want. CNN is the Bizarro Amazon with Sears-type ratings to match. “We Report, You Decide” worked as a Fox News slogan because it at least theoretically trusted viewers to figure out what was going on. The same potential commercial-watchers do so with Ted Turner’s baby by looking for news on Twitter instead.

The brave truth-telling activists disguised as objective communications professionals should know they’re helping a president they hate more than Pol Pot. Have someone in the control room search his name and read the Wikipedia article into the earpiece. The constant railing during what are supposed to be segments that establish facts make a swaggering braggart legitimately look aggrieved when he bitches about unfairness. Everyone involved has earned a cookie.

Sure, this may be the least deserving guy to be president ever, or at least since his predecessor. If that’s the case, the press should stop helping him. His arch-enemies are inadvertently doing everything they can to prop him up. Why rush to spread claptrap in an emotional huff like he does? Putting the alleged toughest guy in position to whine like Tom Brady after getting brushed by a defensive end actually helps him. The sick cycle of codependency where they need each other’s venom in order to stay alive may not be healthy for anyone.

Getting as upset at someone upset may not lead to tranquility. A freakout in lieu of taking a deep breath, shaking one’s head, and stating facts is the path most critics choose these days with expected pleasant results. Argue back with lunatic subway panhandlers to really make them look crazy. People whose views have been discredited every time they’ve been tried think it’s impossible to be reasonable while disagreeing with them.

Trump treats truth like marriage vows. You’d think someone so bold would occasionally stumble across a fact. But all that bombast is just to distract from lack of research. The media acting outraged about his casualness with accuracy doesn’t hurt him. People whose entire jobs are based in conveying truth get so flustered that they can’t bother to embarrass a guy who does it to himself. Corrupt cops claim to fight crime as they’re grifting from the fortunes of mob bosses. There are better ways to remind everyone that nobody on either side should be worshipped.

Blue in the Face

The answer as to who can unite us will divide us further. Who can bring Americans together in this amicable epoch where everyone hates everyone who votes differently? We could use a guy willing to at least make the case in unsafe territories that there’s more to life than voting yourself entitlements.

Just as only Nixon could go to China, there’s a lone person who’s able to cross the lines to persuade without fear. And because that person is Donald Trump, it’ll never happen. I’m sorry to build hope emptily, but I’m just being presidential.

Trump should be reaching out to Blue States as part of that whole fearless shtick. In particular, he should pitch to some of our biggest and stupidest states. Appealing across party lines in New York and California would not only show serfs in those feudal hellholes there are other options than fealty to idiotic governors: it’d be helpful to win elections, which is his core principle. You’d think he’d particularly want to dominate his home prefecture, unless that sick freak is into getting dominated by a Democrat.

Explain what failures have been inflicted by big-government goons would be his easiest task yet, and he’s very much into not having to stay for overtime. But it wouldn’t take much effort to offer the alternative. Like he asked of black voters who have been exploited by Democrats out of habit, what the hell do you have to lose? Sure, he should offer something better than noting the other side is pond scum. But pointing out how everyone he doesn’t like fails has worked for him so far.

It’s easy for Trump to note what sucks, which is why he does so from the moment he wakes up until after the final syndicated Judge Judy. Arguing that present policies fail takes nothing more than gesturing around. Maybe he’s worried about noting his own frequent detours into liberalism. It’d take a diagram with index cards and overlapping strings, and he’s more of an instinctual conspiracy loon.

The purported art of the deal ought to lead its kingpin to making bold advances. History’s best businessman should calculate that he’ll struggle to win with the same coalition of shaky states. A handful of Hillary-haters in contentious areas could propel him to victory again, just like the Trump Vodka and Trump Ice cocktail could come into fashion. Brace for that damn collapsing dam.

Making them play defense would be the best way to stay offensive. A president as ambitious as this one claims he is should want to put every state into play. It’s time for a purportedly audacious leader to go on the attack. The strategy counts upon board game geeks not noting how few armies he has in reserve for Risk. By playing timidly, he’ll spend 2020 wasting finite resources on formerly safe outcomes, which is a Democratic specialty. I told you he never really switched.

A president who’d like to be known for aggressive moves is bravely not even making an attempt. The most fearless leader and top salesman ever won’t try to make a pitch in unsafe states. Noticing how he claims things he doesn’t actually do might lead to unpleasant traitorous thoughts. Realizing that everything Trump has ever chosen has been a calculation to seize upon popular opinion could hurt his feelings, so avoid at all costs.

Refusing to cross territories is philosophically cowardly, but at least it’ll have devastating practical consequences. Oblivious timidness is going to make it difficult to maintain the slim circumstances that allowed a win last time, much less gain on them. Trump’s best strategy will be to withdraw the night before the 2020 election claiming there are no more accomplishments available.

The man who demands unquestioned loyalty may not precisely reciprocate. Voters who think they discovered the one man above politics should start realizing he’s more into it than anyone before. It’s about time to know that someone who discards people like gum wrappers doesn’t care about a party he joined out of convenience.

Why even be opportunistic? Trump could use his own oscillating party alliance as a selling point, but he can’t even connive correctly. The fact that Trump’s businesses have relied on convincing rubes that slapping his name in gold on anything shoddy is the only necessary selling point. Yes, he should care about reelection. But thinking too far ahead is for those eggheads his ever-rational minions discarded.

I’ll always be thankful we avoided electing some book-reader who thought out why liberty is good and sticks to principles. This is episode number one million where someone who actually knows who Thomas Sowell is could argue merits. Now, conservatism is whatever Trump says it is. You claim it’s in trouble?

This gambling executive sure doesn’t like trying to win big for someone who claims he has nothing to lose. The bully would rather punch down. Calling Jim Acosta names is easier than trying to convince anyone why government is to life what Anthony Scaramucci was to his legacy. Trump’s present party would be much more confident about the future if he started believing it. But that’s really hard when he’s the one in charge of it. Don’t distract him with that checks and branches talk.

Rallying his fans at rallies partisan enough to make Obama blush is much more comfortable than trying to recruit more. I’d accuse him of selling out once he got famous if he hadn’t done so long ago. To be fair, his shtick was never sincere. Hoping to repeat his winning strategy of running against Hillary Clinton is much easier than convincing liberal states their lives don’t need to suck so much. He won’t even close the easiest sales.

Good and Serviced

You’d think Donald Trump would get how tradeoffs work. But failing to grasp the exchange’s most crucial aspect is just another chance to be proud of not knowing anything. Instincts replace book learning, according to somewhat popular modern strategies. Admitting there’s a downside would mean his supporters might occasionally doubt him, and loyalty is the only thing that pleases the man who brings us unbridled joy. A dog-hater’s habit of demanding doglike devotion is not conducive to subtlety.

The president’s unofficial Secret Service wishes they could shield him. His most zealous fans refuse to accept that a guy making up what he thinks as he talks could ever be wrong about anything in a truly healthy example of loyalty to a person that makes politics special. And this is supposedly the side that’s for limited government.

The ample drawbacks in cheering for this particular person to save us illustrate all the things history’s top business titan never learned about economics. To be fair, playing a success took so much of his attention that he didn’t learn how to actually be one. It worked in its way, although it did take quite a few suckers.

Trump has to insult anyone who notices his habit of claiming he knows everything that’s right about any topic. His unwillingness to accept that he’s actually the worst example of the shortcomings of political worship doesn’t quite jibe with reality in the same sense that he’s not precisely modest. For a supposed outsider, he sure acts like everyone else in the crummiest of professions. What kind of low-energy loser needs to win an election to stay employed?

The Nostalgia Party only looks back a few years now. There was a time when Republicans would think a dirtbag was not someone to admire. Now, the muscular alpha male cheating on a pregnant wife with plastic model from an obsolete skin mag is a sign of toughness. Admitting he’s pond scum instead of trying to justify gross conduct will make the president deem you uncool.

As a sign of utter security, the president remains dedicated to what he thinks you think reflects success. Trump is like an ’80s movie villain who wants to knock over the youth center. He cherishes the perception of ruthlessness that impresses rubes like a gold-plated Lamborghini with Penthouse Pets wearing scandalously few garments lounging on the hood. Based on a lifetime of stumbling into the perception of success all the way to the White House, he’s finally not wrong about something.

The country’s bipartisan in the worst way. Trump obeys the Bill Clinton standard of putting up with the scumbag as long as he submits his work on time. Worst of all, there’s not even that much to admire. The impossibly skeezy incumbent is coasting based on things he can’t even grasp, much less take credit for.

Being condescending in degeneracy is how he elevates the office. These throwback times mean people who notice the president embodies sleaze are uptight again. Why can’t we be relaxed like those swinging Europeans and their tolerance of mistresses? And what’s with gonorrhea being out of fashion?

Why try to get slightly more than you lose when you can gain it all without giving up anything? Well, it’s impossible while trading, but that doesn’t stop the government from trying. These are basic economics, which you’d think Trump would grasp. He’s the biggest success ever, right? Just ask him.

Pretending there are no consequences actually exacerbates them. I’m sorry to crush the fantasy world, and this is probably a bad time to also note porn stars probably aren’t fun to be with in real life. As for the rest of us getting screwed, Trump thinks ignoring Social Security treating the economy like Godzilla did Tokyo is going to keep the city from being destroyed.

America’s best hope is having an oaf in office, so don’t weep for the future yet. Advisors who cared about the nation’s future would be giving him some switches to flip that he’s told make the economy go. Next, guarding the bee is the most important assignment we have, Mister President, so please stay here and be important in the basement while the rest of the nation completes unimportant tasks like engaging in commerce.

Be glad Trump knows nothing, as that makes him an ideal president. Not knowing enough to screw it up is an inadvertent blessing, which is the only type for which we can hope. Count blessings while rocking on the floor in the fetal position. The combination of unparalleled arrogance and inability to get things done is better for everyone else than we realize.

Trump is a true outsider who hasn’t read the manual, which in this case happens to be the Constitution. He’s too busy consulting his Bible, which is actually a copy of The Art of the Deal with a dedication to himself. Looking in the mirror means he’s not looking at how to mess with our lives, so tell him how handsome he is and buy yourself some time.

Agenda Duh

I’m the only honest one. Everyone thinks they have no agenda. It’s that other shadyside that’s full of mendaciouscreeps. Don’t listen to anything they say. Come to me for absolute truth. Would you believe me if I had a tag reading “Press” in my fedora?

Certain industries are immune to humanity. Souls are removed while earning degrees to ensure purity. If a royal member of one of these esteemed professions claim something, it must be true by divine right. Let those who allege they are not on any sides lead us into dispassionate glory. Help them tie their shoelaces.

It’s cynical to note everyone is full of it and wants you to believe they’re wholly partisan. It’s also accurate. The alternative is to be a sweet trusting kid who believes what Elizabeth Warren sells. There’s no greater mystery than what in human experience would lead anyone who’s been here for more than a few hours to conclude those in charge know what they’re doing. Government is to productivity what Jimmy Kimmel is to comedy. It’s adorable to think removing the profit motive is what led to efficiency all this time. Nothing keeps prices down like not having to compete.

People are immune to preconception after donning a lab coat. Don one and tell the boss that you don’t reek of gin and crystal meth, and he’s sure to let you take a long lunch. We naturally want to believe there’s a method for ensuring facts can be established through experiments. But we also forget humans are manning the Bunsen burners. Acting like science is inherently pure is the surest way to end up with errant explosions from mixing chemicals. The smoking and soot may be more hazardous than depicted in madcap films.

Getting things wrong is a specialty of our species. The only research that can be certain to not contain deviations caused by temptation is conducted by cyborgs, and those jerks would decide the result of every test is that flesh bags need to be eliminated. I tend to disagree although I can see how the case could be framed as sympathetic.

Be wary of experiments run by humans, who are notably bad at following instructions. It’s not the nicest part of our species, but some of us may fudge results. That’s especially so for those tricky scoundrels who write conclusions while suggesting hypotheses. Sometimes, claiming we’re doomed the only way for a scientician to stay in business. Guess what happens to a researcher who says everything is fine? I have concluded those in the business enjoy receiving grants.

The press reports that the press is fair, and I presume they check their facts. The media are unbiased by definition, much in the same way the liberal positions its members all hold bring prosperous tolerance. But what if reality doesn’t match? Next, you’ll tell me socialism doesn’t mean selfless helping. Receiving affirmation from journalists who vote the same way is how statists pretend they’re factual. It’d be a neat trick were it not so disingenuous.

Being a journalist means having partiality genes removed. That’s just another fib for the pile. Preposterous reporting is actually worse because of the claim of objectivity. I’d half-respect any smug lecturer pretending a fact check is anything more than a partisan case if they admitted it. That’s 50 percent more respect than any yellow outlet deserves now.

Anyone can be a reporter. No, really: it’s barely a job. The First Amendment doesn’t require a license despite the way Jim Acosta carries himself like a doctor. In fact, journalism is so easy that people without fancy degrees can do it in their spare time on Twitter. The same people who think particular industries need interventions also believe working for a newspaper or network leads to special protections. Those making a semi-living off communications are extended elite privileges according to a fictional Constitution that also separates church and state while containing an insurance mandate.

It’s amazing how liberals are always free of prejudices. The same people who scoff at the notion of absolute truth hold that their stances are accompanied by ironclad authority. A sure sign of open-mindedness is presuming only their stances are valid. Reasonable people can disagree as long as they happen to think a federal agency will solve the latest crisis.

Anyone who thinks power grants authority is bound to wield it without consideration of impact. The media claims the government’s scientific report is accurate, and who could doubt such triple-stamped authenticity? Also, I have J.D. Salinger’s autographed rookie card for sale if you’re sick of getting burned.