Trainee at Work

I’ll be punished for my lack of faith.  Karmic justice is only part of the agony I face for suggesting Donald Trump might not know what he’s doing.  Yet I can’t shut down my thoughts in favor of adulating our elected savior.  The president is inexperienced, after all: that was the best businessman ever’s chief selling point.  His lack of knowledge is supposed to be his appeal.  Otherwise, he’d be a filthy establishment insider.  Disregard decades of him trying to buy in and focus on how he’s proud of winging it.  Utter loyalty requires as little thought as the professional bullplopper puts into trade policy.

Presume his instincts are pure and mighty for a special gold-clad spot in heaven.  Our dashing hero could never be wrong anymore than Superman could make an error.  I’m sorry to insult Trump with the comparison by implying he has a kryptonite, but that’s the closest equivalent superhero until Trumpman’s animated adventures inspire youngsters to reopen factories.  The most zealous think he could be doing anything but instead magnanimously took this job on our behalf.  It’s a position that just happens to give him the power his ego craves.  The supreme alpha male sure is the kindest.

Do you think Trump could be playing a character?  I’m sorry to become cynical.  It’s never too late to find out except for how it is.  The preening executive has been filling this role for about four decades, so he may have established some tendencies as he attempts to boast our way to prosperity.  The uncanny certainty in his ability to modify events to his will can’t be a way of overcompensating for bumbling with bluster, so get lingering doubts out of your insolent skull.  If you haven’t noticed he’s trying to fake you out by now, let’s play poker.  I just learned myself.

It’s no surprise a simple boy who lusts after wielding authoritarian power ends up embracing dully overwhelming state action.  The fascination with bossing around others comes about either because it’s one of his few principles or because he thinks he can fix problems through his forceful charm.  The only difficult part is diagnosing which bad reason explains why he’s misguided this time.

Blame reality for not heeding your commands.  Gravity’s a bitch.  Trump lustily uses the executive branch’s power at every opportunity, which is the opposite of what his stupid party professes to believe.  I don’t mean to accuse him of trying to trick the public into thinking his outward confidence is a way to disguise massive self-doubt, but there’s no other way for this sentence to go.  The guy who couldn’t keep the USFL in business is going to know just what works when it comes to the global economy.  An order fixes everything.  It better or we’re in deep trouble.

There’s always danger in professing loyalty to a person and not ideas. That’s especially so for this person.  Capriciously changing what he believes is Trump’s way of keeping supporters mentally active. Having no principles means flexibility, which is the realtor’s way of making it sound positive. Not believing anything in particular aside from one’s own personal greatness is also an easy way to enable lying, and who can keep track of something as slippery as absolute truth?

To be fair, he does have principles.  It’s just they make his venality appealing by comparison.  The only notions Trump truly believes are discredited in their utter wretchedness, like how buying things from foreign countries means we have a deficit with them.  Oh, right: the stuff we get is nice.  We don’t leave Walmart with deficits even though we leave money there.  Doritos are cheaper in bulk, you say?

An obvious bluff is fine if those you’re playing fall for it.  Convince enough people that rude bluntness means acting with authority.  This seems like a good time to point out the difference between who’s elected and whether or not it’s a good idea.  The obnoxious posing has worked so far, at least if deception counts as progress.

Those impressed by inexperience are surely qualified to stand at the vanguard of political trends.  It’s a quantity and not quality thing, which explains why our elections turn out the way they do. Presenting ignorance as a plus only succeeds in convincing rubes. The ruse fails to alter how policies immolate when implemented. Still, perception is all that matters.  Well, that’s not really true, but try convincing a Trump fan that tariffs are to the economy what pink marble is to good taste.

But the experience gained by failing to peddle bottled water is going to good use.  Maximize faith by acting as if a committed loudmouth possessing Earth’s most authority is a selfless act.  Their muscly dreamboat is bound to think of wise ways to solve crises. Have we tried lowering trade deficits by not buying anything? Tariffs should finally make us rich.


Headed Red

What is socialism?  The fact that that we even have to clarify means we’ve already lost.  Humans already have a definitive answer, as indicated by ceaseless soreness. Widespread destruction in every form is guaranteed by mandatory sharing despite what Twitter geniuses and lauded Democratic candidates claim.  But that’s never stopped anyone from thinking we can collectivize our way to happiness.  There’s no opting out, comrade.  Ignoring math and pain is one way to convince voters.

Sure, trying to throw everyone’s money into the center ruined the 20th century.  But who’s to say those primitive idiots possessed the compassion to make it work?  Those cavemen didn’t even have smartphones.  All it took to will amazing inventions into being was the commune believing strongly.

Who’s ready to not learn about cause and effect?  It can’t be Friday’s tequila making you thirsty on Saturday, as consuming it meant swallowing lots of fluids, silly.  America is too wealthy to have poverty, claim those who’s toxic ideology would make same wealth disappear.  The lesson of leaving behind a hundred years of agony and warfare is apparently to go for it back-to-back.  Make every decade similarly agonizing for true socialistic parity.

I guess liberalism isn’t as bad as forced state ownership.  Doing something stupid in a slightly less intense way still doesn’t make it wise.  Communism is licking the hot pan slightly longer.  Che aficionados would never do something so heinous as they assure you the glowing red color means cherry flavor.

Although zealous tweets don’t feature subtleties, there’s a difference between a welfare state and state ownership.  I may have overreacted when I called every federal program a Khmer Rouge-themed nightmare.  At the same time, the person too smug to check assertions routinely cites Scandinavia as proof having one big income works as ABBA-centric nations ditch central control.   I’d propose détente if it could be heard above the shrieking.

I’ll humbly admit the Department of Education’s existence may not in fact be the equivalent to establishing a people’s republic.  But like how racism against honky crackers is still awful while not as historically noxious, something can be bad even if there are worse things by comparison.

It’s easy to use an epithet like socialism as shorthand for mandatory bankrupting lunacy.  It’s fun, too.  Political commentators would never overreact when branding an item they scorn or anything, but noting what fails is possible without melodramatic exaggeration.

You can be worried about the flames before your skin starts to melt. Alarmists complain about socialism because it feels like the apparatus is moving in that direction.  Take how Obamacare was nothing but a way to straddle on the way to single-payer.  The inspirational money pit of agony was created by those too chicken to admit they want the government to run everything.  I understand their concealed concern but wish they’d turn that humiliation into introspection.

With accuracy in mind, reserve calling something socialist for when the government owns much of the stuff or when it’s just really funny.  Speaking of laughing, your rulers are so good at running businesses.  Sure, every attempt ever went as badly as rebooting Ghostbusters.  But that’s just because greedy capitalists think Bill Murray can’t be replaced by a lady.

True socialism has never been tried.  In the same sense, true weight loss by chugging a bottle of maple syrup has yet to be attempted.  The purported impossibility of bringing the system into being should tell you everything you need to know.  Meanwhile, the free market referee just needs to roll out the ball.

Please disavow the lightness of interference that actually works while maintaining faith in a theory that runs counter to everything we know about human nature.  Of course, this is an era where gender is a decision and liking another culture means appropriating it, so act like it’s fun to learn anew.

What does the doctor know about calling delicious bleach harmful to drink? Fill your coffee pot decanter with it to show him what fools miss. It’d be easier to think of our socialist pals as innocent goofs if they weren’t so strident about believing poisonous tenants everyone else recognizes as sources of misery.  Those too lazy to oppress by running a business have convinced themselves the precise opposite of every instinct and example is incorrect.  Ignorance is the best defense.  Customers can decide whether the line at Trader Joe’s or the DMV goes more smoothly.

Historically silly programs may not mean we’re about to turn into East Germany.  I’m still going to point out which direction people we’re escaping over the Berlin Wall.  Let’s make a deal: we won’t call every preposterous federal program socialism if federalization fans stop acting like the choice is between socialism and unpaved roads.  We can have some government, I guess, if we must.

That’s about enough of confiscating liberty in the hive’s name.  Who doesn’t realize that most others are jerks?  Taking what’s yours is necessary to be altruistic.  It’s easy with money from others.  Big-government schemes naturally appeal to the envious.  Pretend it’s selfless to take stuff.

If you truly believe in science, heed the results of countless experiments that showed what happens when pretending we should all own everything.  Use any term you’d like and we’re still going to end up broke and listless.  Socialism means everyone’s as dejected.  Finally: equality!

Go for Bronze

Donald Trump ending the Republican Party wouldn’t be the first thing he put out of business.  Those who got into politics so they could minimize them want to create yet another entity to rule over us.

The new ravenous blob would hopefully bother us marginally less.  The dreamers calling for a split aren’t seeking attention, which you may have noticed is the opposite of how the incumbent approaches things.

Populist cultist nationalism sure is great for liberty.  It’s much easier to adhere to a belief system where principles are whatever Trump say they are.  Republicans who think tariffs are swell have earned themselves more elbow space.  Those who believe a president who never pondered issues before has all the answers obviously thought out what they want their party to be.  I’m getting loaded at someone else’s kegger.

Sorry to be a crazy right-wing goon, but I believe there should be at least one side in favor of obeying the Constitution.  Crazy dreamers hope to ideally have two parties who are familiar with what America is supposed to support, which amounts to cutting cabinet agencies.  We are presently two short of that.  That’s more than it sounds.

What are you willing to do to start a new side?  If the answer is nothing, congratulations on having the right attitude.  We should want a party that does nothing.

The practical barriers don’t make the Slacker Gang any easier to start.  Dreams to splinter off are as useless as Trump’s plans to dominate Atlantic City.  Efforts to disarm global villains while fighting trade partners are going nowhere like his usual boasts. The only one of his flimsy schemes that worked is winning the presidency in the sort of cruel joke that makes us understand how this stupid existence works.

Dreaming of a startup is brash in a way you’d think the president appreciates. How many times have we heard of plans to start another party?  The notion is as popular to discuss as it is impossible to achieve, which makes a new party like shrinking spending.  It’s no wonder neither ever occur.

Plans to begin an alternate gathering resemble Trump’s for denuclearizing the Korean peninsula or peddling the world’s classiest steaks on QVC. The fantasy occurs as often as Republicans have futilely promised to slash government.  It’s useless to even daydream about being left the hell alone.  That won’t stop us from boozing to cope.

The futility of it all makes the despondent situation even worse, which isn’t as comforting as it sounds.  Success would mean more failure. An alternate party would merely split the vote, which is the only strategy Trump knows. After all, he learned cunningness from that unreal reality television program.  And he inadvertently stumbled into support-splitting during the primary where his percentage held while those facing him split their assets.  Those against him keep helping him.

Stick with Republicans as the most efficient way to lead us to doom.  Select big-government lunacy with a patriotic sheen to make the progression toward default seem like it’s good for the nation.  The whole reason to vote is so you don’t have to think for yourself. Getting hassled is fun if it’s the guy you picked.  Trump’s greatest business successes came from being the slightly less repulsive option, so help him keep that trend going.

The second-worst choice sure feels inspirational.  Republicans are doing their best to pursue parity.  The indistinguishable result is like gonorrhea got the clap.  Try to see how many goofy liberal deviations Trump can cram into a tweet to feel efficient.

Mope in your dreams, too.  It helps make the present feel accurate.  The refreshing new Monkey Freedom Party would undoubtedly eventually disappoint just as the present options.  But that moment of deluded hope is the only thing that sustains us.  Politics are the Cleveland sports of life.

Don’t worry, as everything will remain utterly disappointing.  Does that make you feel better?  No?  Well, at least growing accustomed to doom makes it tolerable.  There won’t be anything even approaching meaningful alterations now that the parties are as indistinguishable as the Kardashians.  The only change will be forced upon us, like when debt overwhelms or an enemy who suckered the president into complacency with cheap flattery starts storming innocent neighbors.

I know this world is flawed, but it doesn’t have to be a rule.  In a less imperfect place, Trump would have been the one who started a third party.  The incessant blabberer would have had his own personal vanity project to ruin like a political version of the USFL.  The ensuing humiliation would’ve been contained to his interests.  The same thing’s happening now, only extended to the entire country.

At the Head of the Class With Mary Lou Hague

Mary Lou Hague

Mary Lou Hague lived from October 7, 1974 to September 11, 2001.  At 26 years old, it seems like she should have had many joyous decades ahead of her.  But a barbaric attack wasn’t able to take away the tremendous moments she experienced and created in the time available. She’ll always have achieved so much even with the unfulfilled dream of her getting to do so much more.

Earning for others brought her to the top of the world.  She worked as a financial analyst at Keefe, Bruyette & Woods, an investment banking firm occupying the 85th, 88th, and 89th floors of 2 World Trade Center. Mary Lou worked on the topmost of those as a financial analyst, making money among the clouds.

Those managing commerce faced untold horror.  The company was based in the second tower hit during the atrocities.  Mary Lou was one of sixty-seven KBW employees murdered that morning, one of countless unimaginable losses from that darkest of days.

She created so much jubilation before then.  Displaying remarkable aptitude at every level was her norm.  The West Virginia native was the sort of vivaciously successful student who makes everyone else feel like a slacker.  Most notably, Mary Lou was Parkersburg High School’s 1992 valedictorian out of 481 students.

Excelling in class was just the start of her school day.  It’s easier to list the clubs in which she wasn’t involved.  As a class officer and cheerleader who was a member of the drill team, homecoming court, and several singing groups, Mary Lou was naturally selected as most outstanding high school senior. Nobody who lost could complain.

Mary Lou headed south from West Virginia to North Carolina for college.  Her commitment to embodying a well-rounded student continued.  She graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill with a business administration major. Mary Lou made sure she stayed busy as an undergraduate by serving as vice president and treasurer of Delta Delta Delta Sorority.  She was also the Student Congress treasurer.  Too much free time was never an issue.

After spending two years in Memphis, Tennessee working in corporate finance, she made an investment in herself.  The interest level gave her the highest return.  Mary Lou moved to New York City, settling into apartment life near Gracie Mansion on Manhattan’s Upper East Side while working downtown in the Financial District.

Moving to America’s most populous metropolis meant being near more people to help.  Mary Lou worked with kids as a member of her new city’s Junior League.  Someone from a large family was dedicated to helping children. Considering her four sisters and two brothers, pitching in with young people was a benevolent impulse that was inherent to who she was.

As expected, New York City afforded chances for fun, as well.  Take indulging in her love of 1980s music.  A huge Michael Jackson fan, Mary Lou spent a small fortune to see him the previous Friday at Madison Square Garden. Those who miss her can picture how much bliss she experienced in her final weekend.

Present students encounter reminders of an exemplary predecessor. There’s the 9-11 Mary Lou Hague Sports and Arts Complex at Parkersburg High School.  And those enrolling in her alma mater with good academics and financial need compete for the honor of winning the Mary Lou Hague Memorial Scholarship at UNC.  After being established thanks to an anonymous $25,000 donation in the year of her passing, the award features a preference for fellow Mountain State natives as a way of honoring its namesake.

A West Virginian at heart who studied in North Carolina came to New York City to make it.  Mary Lou had considered moving back to her hometown after getting her fill of life in the biggest city. Instead, her final resting place is the National September 11 Memorial with her name listed on Panel S-35.

Her graceful combination of ability and personality is to be cherished as it is missed.  Accounts from those in her life attest that Mary Lou was both professional and exceedingly kind. A lady with the smile of a beauty pageant contestant radiated happiness as she thrived in a challenging field’s epicenter. Doing so while remaining pleasant should be an Olympic event.

Mary Lou was the sort of person who put her ample talents into practice and chose to be decent, as well.  An impressive career is nice to have, and it’s even better to have niceness.  As someone gifted yet approachable, she did great things while remaining good.

Someone given so much utilized her abilities to the utmost.  Most importantly, she was at her best when it came to being immensely likable.  Living fully without knowing her time was short demonstrated remarkable character. The world could use more Mary Lou Hagues.  Having one for far too short a time is nonetheless a blessing that should inspire by sterling example.


Sink to Win

You hurt my feelings and I have to make it even, noted the kindergartener and the president.  Children in the back seat on the way to Cedar Point should know they’re now mature enough to lead the free world.  Resentment over indignities is motivating politics to a degree unseen even during the tumultuous term of famed rabble-rouser Benjamin Harrison.  The difference is I’m not making up how childish conditions are now.

Inflicting as much pain as was received is the vindictive path to peace.  Read your faith’s religious texts for confirmation.  Adding punitive interest to walloping is only natural.  I guess punching someone back is sort of a principle.  It’s one thing to defend oneself and another to look for offense.  Those who prefer sticking to high roads don’t look to brawl with ankle-biters.  But they never get to inflict as much pain as they cause, and we’re keeping score here.

They started it.  There’s nothing that brings out alpha dogs like responding to every yip.  Those around us are scuzzy, so we’re the same.  So, everyone ends up being a dirtball.  Shut up, you weak loser.  Ah: that feels strong.  Cussing during punishment infliction is normal during the age of Trump.  The toughest embodiment of manhood spends an awful lot of time whining about unfairness.

Moaning about trade deficits without realizing you get stuff back is for people who do great at balancing checkbooks.  I’ve got a massive discrepancy with Busy Liver Liquor and need tariffs in order to make them buy my moonshine so we’re even.  Irrationality inspires similar examples of wise behavior, too. The other side is mean, so the best way to cope is clearly to be meaner.  Be more wretched than them in order to conquer them.

Using the hateful’s tactics against them feels satisfying in an Old Testament sort of way.  The problem is those who believe in such disgusting simplicity are lonely for a reason. That’s why we’re not on their side.  The whole point of starting our own faction was being more decent.  But maybe voters just want to select from two ornery bastards.  Be the louder drunk to attract support.  Neither is interested in lowering debt.

Trying to behave as a principle is as antiquated as the right to free speech for those who disagree.  Republicans used to pride themselves on thinking their foes were misguided while said foes thought the other side was diabolical.  Instead, being as distasteful as critics is embraced as toughness. You can’t take the dignity of a neo-troglodyte who sees dissenters as inhuman. Climbing into the muck arena is how we settle differences civilly.

There sure is a lot of sensitivity for being so rugged.  Getting people fired over tweets is too stupid to explain to a time traveler from 2007.  Taking jokes out of context like a shrieking giant politically correct baby will sure make a point about who’s lighthearted.  It’s really conservative to get offended by a lame attempt to make others laugh. Claiming it’s just using the other side’s tactics legitimizes them, which is the funny part.

Why rise above it when you can sink into the dumpster?  Let those who have defined their personalities by kvetching about the president during every waking hour hear the echo of their pitifully ignored complains on block paragraph Facebook posts.  Or shriek right back until your target recoils, whatever.  Those ticked at being bossed around used to stick to limiting government.  But modern intellectual leaders ignore entitlement reform in favor of owning the libs.  It’s not slavery if everyone consents.

Politics should be about aspiring to let the other side snip like brats while ignoring the din.  Let voters see who’s undignified.  Adults are too busy doing something useful to bitch back.  Now, participants have convinced themselves that a slap fight is productive.

You don’t want to be as weak as Mitt Romney, do you?  Meekness must be why he lost unlike he-man pushup champion Donald Trump.  It can’t be the IRS messed with the last guy’s supporters any more than the present president was blessed with facing the Clinton who didn’t inherit her husband’s ability to emotionally manipulate.  Any explanation for the incumbent’s success always reflects good fortune, and America should want to luck out.

A preemptive strike on tastelessness is just as gross.  John Waters would find present politics too crass.  But the other party is cruel, we noted in a tone that’s almost excessively mature.  Everyone’s blaming everyone else for being toxic, which is like baseball players claiming they had to take steroids to keep up with baseball players who said they took steroids to keep up.  An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.  That’s not a call to sharpen sticks and buy lab goggles.

Presidential Psyche-Out

Next time, look for a president who’s straightforward in the sense of believing in right and wrong.  We have to be specific with the wish or the genie’s going to burn us karmically.

Donald Trump is as psychologically simple as it gets, which doesn’t mean he grasps simple things.  To be fair, he is certain to suck up to you if you grovel properly.  Sure, the regal executive may be the opposite of a moral titan.  But at least he’s a muscular alpha stud.  While the only source on that is him, he’s not one for empty boasting.

The president is as complicated as a light switch.  Simplicity isn’t always a virtue.  As a moral titan who resists compromise in favor of preserving integrity, Trump does whatever others do first.  It takes a real leader to praise those who do the same. Just let them speak first like it’s a negotiation where you want the other party to set the price.

Meanwhile, a man who embodies grace insults anyone daring to point out he’s an obnoxious conman who failed his way to the top despite failing to know a trade deficit doesn’t mean we’re losing something.  But the willingness to adapt should be embraced even in one’s eighth decade.  Trump will change with whatever people say about him. And you say he’s inflexible.

Sure, liking whoever likes him back is not quite high-minded.  Neither is concluding that anyone who dares insolently diss the world’s greatest president and real estate guy needs to be insulted in reply.  Did you know you’re little?

I don’t care if your skin’s orange as long as it’s thick enough.  We got exactly the thin-membraned president his voters didn’t know we were getting.  Loyalists would’ve had to read about how superficial he was way back in some random era like 1991, and who wants to study history when it’s fun to back someone who yells at critics?  You’d think a president would be secure enough to not bristle at what every sanctimonious twit calls him.  But sinking to their level is how he guides us.  I hear he’s unconventional.

Trump took a test to see if having the world’s highest office necessarily creates confidence.  He failed, as even his supporters with the most glazed eyes would concede if they’re certain their cult captains aren’t listening.  Maybe more extracurriculars would help him feel genuinely strong so he wouldn’t have to sneer in study hall.  But he’d rather preen than help with the yearbook.  The free world’s leader is quite proud of wading in muck.  I like whoever likes me, said the preschooler who’s also in his 70s and is the president.

A fondness for strength is manifested in amorally worshipping the cruelest bully because he successfully extorts the most milk money. Power is good.  What else makes lesser non-rulers fear you?

The strange unwillingness to condemn Putin wholeheartedly is nothing more than slack-jawed fascination with domination.  Authority is frightening in the hands of calculating Second World goons, since it apparently needs to be said.  Let’s remember that Russia sucks next election no matter the party. Otherwise, we’ll end up with another leader who draws a heart around Vladimir’s name.

Look how rich I am!  There’s no greater sign that a guy’s comfortable with himself than a propensity to constantly mention purported successes.  Trump obeys a crude 1980s caricature of what wealth should be.  I expect to hear the Oh Yeah song from Ferris Bueller every time he enters the room.  His shady personal finances correspond with present frightening budget math, so maybe we elected the right guy.  It’s just that it’s for the worst timeline.

For someone who claimed to upend the system, Trump sure does take comfort in how he lived decades ago.  It’s not like he’s reliving happy moments playing catch with his kids during summer vacation.

Conspicuous consumption went out with Atari.  But don’t tell a guy who still thinks having his name in gold means he’s classy.  I’m certain the need to claim he has precisely 10 billion dollars is mentally healthy.

Removing context ruins everything, as seen by how hilarious replies don’t generate yuks without the original tweets.  A lack of complication isn’t necessarily an issue, as discerning between right and wrong is also elementary.  But replacing standards with pure force has been even limper than expected.  Trump must be muscular if he has to constantly mention it.  The only thing worse than moral bankruptcy is not even being strong.  Tell your foes you’re outfoxing them so they know they’re being dominated.

Time to Bitch

Ruin everything if you have everything.  Eternal teenagers show appreciation in a curious manner. The free market is so successful that people don’t even notice it.  In fact, contemporary ingrates condemn the very system of unforced commerce that’s keeping them from croaking.  It’s hard to appreciate irony while shrieking that the president should be in handcuffs.

The blessing of automation gives full-time slackers ample free time to ponder why a system that permits human ingenuity to flourish is monstrous fascism.  Indolence is brought to us by the very abstract bogeyman being condemned. Hating hard work paired with contemplation is a personal issue. Pretend workers are oppressed while never bothering to apply.

Life has become so tolerant that warriors fighting oppression have to strain to find enemies.  Luckily, they always succeed.  I like your culture, and you’ll never forgive me for it.  There’s no greater sin than appropriation. I can’t apologize enough for superficially trying to imitate what other societies perfected. We really need to separate humans by complexion to ensure there is no thieving of sacred notions like cuisine or music.  Wearing a superficial garment or eating a flour tortilla is for history’s greatest monsters.

I hope that contemporary humans someday learn that it’s okay to indulge in what those of different backgrounds have created.  That used to be the whole point.  But the pot’s not for melting anymore.  As a gesture of amity, you’re free to wear my people’s costume.  Old Navy emails discount codes all the time.

Did you know that everything is racist?  It is oppressing women and gays, as well. Man, bigotry is exhausting.  But it beats seeing people as humans.  There is nothing more despotic than a political system based on treating individuals as such, at least according to the shrillest observers.  Natural rights allow liberation from group identity, and what’s more prejudiced?

It’s hard for the Outrage Patrol to concentrate while spotting hidden swastikas.  They look just like elephants.  Acting as if Nazism is around the corner sure is respectful to Holocaust victims.  But someone has to compare every action by law enforcement, border security, and fan of limited government to history’s worst villains.

Phew: we just dodged it again.  Modern D-Day fighters claim they’re preventing the Fourth Reich from happening, which makes them way more heroic than some violent males who only stormed beaches after letting their Hitler get into power.  There’s no way to disprove their claims that they saved us, which makes it just like their other favorite stances. The numbers station is still broadcasting code to undercover operatives just to be safe.  Freedom’s soldiers are awfully mouthy for living in a society that crushes dissent.

A slight reduction in the growth of spending will cause genocide, so keep that debt flowing.  There’s no way we’ll ever run out of money. Just tax those selfish rich goons a little more so we can buy what we desire without spending our own.

Sure, the return on involuntary investment might not be as lucrative as a mutual fund or burying Mason jars full of currency in the swamp.  But we have to trust the president unless we want to be branded as disloyal.  The wifi in camps is spotty at best.  Point out governmental schemes are to prosperity what Twitter is to civil discourse to be lumped in with the other fascists.  That particular political movement is usually associated with reduced federal control.

There’s no need for superstition.  You might not only be able to survive without our talisman but even flourish.  Government wasting less of what’s earned means more opportunities created naturally.  Some don’t want you to discover that you can make your own trades, as mutual transactions frighteningly occur without supervision.  Life’s no fun without controlling other lives.

Life is so easy that it’s easy to pretend it’s hard.  Today’s professional moaners don’t realize how they lucked out.  They couldn’t complain this insistently if they were shipped off to the mines as soon as they graduated from second grade.  Instead, their hours are spent holding phones instead of pickaxes.  The cushy situation provides them with a forum for bitching about their purported soreness, one that was unavailable to those earlier sufferers who were actually justified.

At the same time, modern jerks have proven how tough we are by surviving this long.  We’ve already all been murdered by the lack of net neutrality and being forced to buy horrid insurance.  Digging up corpses to shoot them again is a Republican specialty, at least according to our calmer social media friends.  You’d think all this unrequited panic would tech them that constantly remaining at DEFCON 1 is both unnecessarily stressful and strategically unsound.  But why let sirens inefficiently go to waste?

The most grateful among us blame imaginary suffering on a system that lets them coast.  Speaking of unacknowledged blessings, their own ineffectiveness saves them.  They’d endure real pain if they managed to destroy open commerce, so thank the Lord for unanswered prayers. Actually achieving their ghastly ideals would be the only way some will learn.  Of course, they still wouldn’t.  The ensuing astounding currency devaluation and emergency factory seizures would be blamed on a lack of subsidies.  The political theories of those who never try are never tried thoroughly enough.  Well, effort is hard.