Changing Labels

Politicians are right about everything in a way I could never be. That’s why they run and I don’t. Agreeing with whatever who I voted for wants is a modern take on integrity. Presume our elected betters are consistent, which is why they ran and triumphed. Divine blessing guides those we were smart enough to support.

Or, no. Democracy’s biggest problem is that one of us gets to be in charge. And we’re such morons. Egotistical maniacs who suck up enough to win one more than half of tallies are no different. I’m afraid to tell you those in charge are as illogical and arbitrary as the rest of us. Change the names to see. Take off labels and watch who changes opinions. I agree with whoever I voted for. What: aren’t you loyal?

Are America-despising hippie weaklings or neocon war fans making defense decisions? It depends based on who’s making the exact same shortsighted decision. We have to check the party before deciding whether fleeing Syria helps preserve our safety. It’s fortunate we’ve never left a power vacuum in the Middle East before, because that would lead to frightening consequences.

Killing terrorists should remain a popular hobby among our military. Members endure innumerable sacrifices to protect us, and the least we can do for repayment is to allow them to stack ISIS corpses. Our awesome forces should perhaps remain in nasty spots to send terrorists to a place where there are no virgins. It all depends on if you voted for whoever deployed them.

The president is supposed to benevolently guide us through life’s vagaries. That’s why Republicans think trade wars are sweet now. Tariffs are money Washington takes when you purchase something, and they’re not a tax otherwise. But it’s okay when someone from that ostensible free market faction increases prices for the crime of trying to trade. That’s just trying to win, and what is the point of exchange if not to humiliate your partner?

I will be dropped from consideration for the Dan Quayle Toadying Award when I note there seem to be quite a few defeats piling up here. Regardless, the unavoidable trend goes against the amoral dedication to triumph Donald Trump claims defines him. The foolish insanity of ticking off people who sell you things hasn’t changed. But those cheering for punishment have.

Note who suddenly sounds like Ayn Rand on free trade, namely liberals who adored meddling until their archenemy executive got his hands dirty. Meanwhile, erstwhile backers of trading at will sound like they’re reading from East German textbooks ever since a Republican president declared he was sick of buying without sanction.

Government choosing winners makes everyone losers. It’s not contained to the particular outfits propped up with your money thanks to your kindly involuntary investment. You do get a choice of which party props up the enterprises you prefer, which is the 2019 version of freedom. Giving putzing architects of restrained commerce a vaguely businesslike sheen shouldn’t trick anyone. It certainly doesn’t fool growth, which is stubbornly indifferent to manipulation. Get bigger like we want, already.

Who likes sad endings? It turns out purported liberty fans didn’t oppose federal meddling as much as they did their side not being the one getting to toss files into the air. Republicans just wanted their own bully. The purported defenders of human enterprise should’ve vetted their goon more thoroughly unless they hoped to use federal force liberally all along. This elderly delinquent isn’t even skilled at dispensing wedgies.

I thought the store brand was delicious in the blind taste test until I learned I was consuming something without a proper label. It’s good practice for voting. Choosing by party takes all the thinking out of elections, and the whole point of having a government is to avoid having to ponder anything. Freedom is icky, which is why we split into factions in the first place.

Fight to see who gets to beat the economy senseless. Having just one side dispense treasure would take out competition, and we want to ensure each knows they better plunder properly if they like not having to find work. I like being handed goodies as long as they’re from my tribe. The fact I can’t tell which one it is without gang colors just means I need to be initiated.

Loyalty to a person and not an idea is as healthy as it sounds. Even better, the oh so calmly rational allegiance to a president is inherently liberal. Blind allegiance to whatever party you were assigned beats worrying about consequences. Straying ideals are news to those who think being a Republican means everything that follows properly limits federal authority. That’s as foolish as concluding labeling something in gold makes it classy. And what would our president know about that?

Those who got your votes will always disappoint you. It’s true no matter which party. That’s just what a Klan-hugging MAGA bigot or flag-punching Dumbocrat would say. It all depends on the context. Said context is always that your side is as biblically perfect as the other is full of satanic Nazi schemes. Check your tattoo before swinging your pillowcase full of doorknobs at another’s skull to ensure you’re not assaulting a teammate.


You’ll Pay for It

Those who protect our sweet gullible selves from the cruelty of markets kindly let us know how they’re going to run everyone’s personal calendars. Its a good thing those who assign us everything we get to use are so benevolent. And they won’t even charge us much.

Fiscal responsibility is the cool new thing from those scheming to perfect humanity by micromanaging its members. Fretting about paying for new soul-crushing schemes makes those who bill the government pretend they’re interested in math. They’ve never worried about it before. America’s 22 trillion dollars in debt sounds like a made-up number. We’re living in a fantasy.

I hate to ruin the dreamy schemes of kindhearted statists. But I must note that an unconscionable tax hike that’d make East Germany look like Hong Kong wouldn’t pay for the junk we’re already trying involuntarily, much less new communal goofiness. First, it’s stealing. Making it legal doesn’t make it moral. Oh, right: we’d be taking someone’s money. Pretending it belongs to all of us is how none of us work hard anymore. Using public housing spurred Howard Schultz to become a billionaire, so he owes us cash and coffee. I don’t even want his scorched espresso, but it costs enough that it must be worth something.

Presuming anyone with a fortune stole it is an entirely healthy way to avoid a life not crammed with resentment. Look for a reason to believe in a conspiracy no matter how flimsy. Wanting it to be true doesn’t count, although I do admire your passion. Sure, there isn’t any widespread evidence of thievery among corporate titans unless receipts for voluntary purchases count. Those who think offering goods and services is a crime tend to view genuine felons as misunderstood.

The mother of all lump sums will not be enough to sustain, say, a transition to a windmill-based economy. Our landscape won’t be nearly as charming as Holland’s. Confiscating our way ahead to the 17thcentury is a bust before even calculating the effect on motivation and drag on economy. You get to raise taxes massively once. This may shock keen observers of human activity, but a ridiculous percentage doesn’t lead to revenue spikes if nobody’s working. Hey: where did all the motivation go?

This incomprehensible unwieldy program administered by snotty mandarins sure will be expensive. Well, how else would we have things: buying them on our own? That sounds expensive. Actually, it’s much cheaper to shop than wait for the government to give us things for free even if the latter doesn’t seem to be accompanied by a bill.

Wondering how to fund a preposterously complicated plan isn’t even the proper approach. It’s not the first time they’ve been wrong. In fact, they’re never right. Life is not a matter of trying to find enough currency to fund federal schemes that are as costly as they are shoddy. When you see fortunes as one giant cash pile incorrectly doled out by the cosmos, you’re bound to feel as if you’ve been granted righteous power to reassign. The same people don’t realize Medicare for all is a lethal threat.

Has anyone tried to find a way to make things cheaper? A real price decrease comes in the form of letting businesses compete for customers. Force conglomerates to dance for our nickels, not Americans to participate with silly mandatory programs. The ability to lower costs is a shock to those who claim the government makes life affordable. Free gets quite pricey. Advocates of complimentary services don’t understand why groceries are cheap while tuition skyrockets. You’ll never guess which of those gets a tremendous sum of taxpayer cash.

Our most enlightened leaders think that funding the latest socialist scheme is simply a matter of gathering enough cash from earners who’d just waste it by buying what they’d like. You can live on less than you have, which means you can surrender the rest. Try stirring sawdust into ramen to stretch out servings. Those panhandling for coupons never never realize why their dreams are so costly.

The sort of sweet kids who think competent federal management lowers prices would be cute did they not have so much influence. Washington’s purported workers sure seem motivated. I credit how they keep jobs at our expense to spend more of our money without fear of ever being held accountable. Now, that’s how to make a dollar last.

Trusting a government that sucks at each and every thing it’s ever tried is the unfortunately natural result of thinking there’s a finite pile of cash. Those who have it must’ve taken it. It’s ours! We have to spend it before it evaporates, as there’s no way to make things affordable by letting supply and demand work naturally. Counting on a government where Donald Trump can serve as head of state to dispassionately administer our health sounds foresighted. At least we’ll stop working hard and be bankrupt.

Historical Forgetfulness

I’m trying to remember the line about what happens to those who forget history. Could you repeat it? The maxim about what happened is one of countless information pieces readily available and discarded by modern folks too smart to care what plagued the past. Defying what we’ve learned shows we’re fearlessly heading into the future. Sure, such heedless dashing will lead to agony again. Thank those stubborn fools who won’t pay attention to what happens when we put everyone’s money in a pile. But it beats knowing we’re about to hurt.

The only thing progressives know about history is their beliefs confirm it. That much confidence doesn’t need evidence. Those committed to bringing back the 1930s remain dedicated to claiming they’re on the timeline’s right side. It’s a sure sign of modesty. Many contemporary braggarts should only be flaunting the countless reasons they have to be humble. But the Instagram Era is renowned for putting glowing perception ahead of filthy reality. In political terms, claiming socialism means helping others is the Clarendon filter with 100 lux.

The fervent certainty of correctness is especially obnoxious from people so consistently and predictably incorrect. The penchant for balancing factual obliviousness with sanctimony is making our time especially prosperous. Who needs evidence when you’re convinced your feelings make life precious?

The future will feature whatever bit of lunacy is fashionable for the moment. Regardless of what the ironically intolerant claim is, know you’re not permitted to disagree, hater. Men who think they’re women must be allowed to use the latter’s restrooms, so at least we know that remains our time’s foremost moral crusade. Meanwhile, be careful while noting humans are born this way. The claim is fine if you’re discussing homosexuality and monstrous if you’re announcing genders can’t be changed like outfits.

Those leading the charge into the future don’t understand why fools were escaping in the wrong direction over the Berlin Wall. The steadfast refusal to engage in economic warfare means we’re losing the war against poverty. We can’t just let combatants battle by earning more. People earning different amounts is the moral crisis of our time. Sure, taking money to help everyone hurts everyone, but it’s crucial to ensure nobody commits an atrocity like creating value.

Stop being selfish and give me what’s yours. Sure, the real moral affront is taking from those presumed to thieve because they earned more. At least an ironically greedy government is inept about squandering. Tearing down the rich to build up the rest has been a failure every time it’s been tried. These are the most consistent results possible. And you say commerce isn’t scientific.

Collectivization means you personally won’t have to toil. Now, that helps. Punishing advancement hurts us all, and we should be glad for equality. It’s not as if we get a choice by law. You can always tell when something’s a good idea by how nobody will do it without coercion.

The modern socialist claims nobody should be poor in a country as rich as ours. Yeah, the reason our country’s so rich is because we don’t treat property as collective. We would change same richness quite quickly by giving away fortunes. Also, individuals are wealthy, not the collective. And they’re going to quit doing things like create value if their work’s reward is shared. I can’t believe those who despise unregulated markets don’t grasp cause and effect. Our prideful pinko friends think their ideas are fresh.

Why don’t you want tomorrow to happen? Sure, letting life expire would mean environmentalists would go extinct. But there’d be disadvantages, too. Claim the is planet melting, or freezing, or just at the wrong temperature. Remember to ignore how histrionics about our planet’s murder have been peddled for half a century. We’re all supposed to have drowned or melted by now. Climate models are as consistently wrong as socialized medicine, which is no coincidence. It’s hard to control all variables in experiment that’s literally Earth-sized, if you can believe. But you can’t find compassion in a lab.

A lecture about what’s destined to come next usually comes from someone who forgot what they tweeted over lunch. Who cares about documentation? Things like the Constitution were written by white geezer dudes, and we can ignore their ideas on hoary ideas like natural rights because they were racist sexists.

Claim that caring supersedes trifling concerns about mathematics. It’s sure to affect number-crunching. Those who are sure ideas painfully discredited in the 20thcentury will lead us into the future are so convinced about history that they don’t even need to study it. I wish I could muster such certainty.

Character for Sale

Taking a stretch limousine to someplace clad in marble is the best way to let everyone know you won. Show how impressed you are by waving with one finger. Even the president can’t arrest you for such political speech. Donald Trump embodies every loathsome cliché about rich people. We’re just jealous like the seething commies we are. Or maybe we just hate those who think they have to convince the rest of us they made it big.

Playing a character is a sure sign of confidence. It’s not that Trump’s ahead of the curve in making us question who people really are. This isn’t Andy Kaufman provoking reactions; nobody finds the president’s Twitter feed as funny as Taxi. Mimicking a supposedly charismatic personality is all there is. The executive is chasing after what he thinks others find admirable the same way he decided a few years ago being a Republican who likes border walls was his core value.

Those who think Trump is a new kind of leader should note his style was created when nothing was cooler than a car phone antenna. That aerodynamic shape made limousines go even faster. Speed conceals how a guy covering for insecurity puts on a show that’s decades old. This forward-thinking innovator in his eighth decade picked up the image in the ‘80s. Putting his name in gold would be a garish touch you’d have to invent if it didn’t exist. The caricature extends to his taste for impossibly tacky black glass, which blessedly isn’t covering the White House. Yet.

Sticking with one woman is too much to ask for a titan of a commerce stud. Trump had a classy way of disrespecting marriage vows. His lawyers should’ve blamed the character. Our president thinks hot models like rich guys, and he couldn’t help but play the role. How can he help it if plastic is naturally attracted to orange?

Wear an NBA jersey to a pickup basketball game to make friends. Not everything has to feature keeping score. Trump’s worst business distortion is treating business like a competition. Demanding there be winners and losers is how both socialists and fake-ass capitalists see commerce. In calmer truth, both parties benefit from exchange. The president still acts like he hasn’t made it unless the other side feels ripped off.

Trump, who you’ll remember is the greatest businessman in the universe’s history, doesn’t understand a trade deficit means that we got stuff for the money we sent. Amazon isn’t winning because I sent them a hundred bucks of my money, as I got beef jerky and Star Wars figures in return. Ripping off vendors in his business life was practice for thinking other countries hoodwink us by making what we use for a bargain. He simply has to win a game that’s not being played. It’s not like he’s compensating for insecurity or anything. And his followers aren’t copying, either, as they’re total alpha dogs sniffing whoever’s hind is in front.

It’s hard to believe trillions more have been added to the stupidly staggering debt under a president who’s still arguing that he’s worth precisely 10 billion dollars. The guy who appoints the IRS commissioner sure thinks saying he has more than he actually does is wise. Who does your taxes?

The president is not as rich as he claims, which seems like the sort of thing to figure out before voting for someone. To be fair, it’s hard to be wealthy when your output is only ego. Listing what he’s actually created would fit in a tweet, even if he had to add a handful of trademark insults. A thin employment history padded by endless boasts is the perfect embodiment of everything he’s done including be president. Trump sells himself as the product. It’s rather flimsy, but no retailer will honor your gift receipt.

Portraying a sleaze juggling pyramid schemes as a commercial genius is particularly bad for anyone who wants you to be able to earn at will. Spare a thought for executives who quietly offer something useful while employing people. Instead, we face a few more decades dealing with the lame stereotype of a heartless alpha male who sees commerce as a chance to destroy others in order to flaunt virility. Why do you think his preposterously contentious trade negotiations revolve around trying to conquer other countries? His vision of making a deal necessarily means coming out on top even when there’s no competition.

Trump revolutionized politics by taking us back a few decades. He’s the villain in every Reagan-era movie. Steven Spielberg can gesture at the White House if anyone asks him why businessmen always have nefarious motives in his films. The president has set back the tycoon more than Rich Uncle Pennybags. If Trump wants to prove he’s really in charge, he better start putting out cigars on the foreheads of staffers.

Bye Buy

Boycotters sure are eager to slow the economy. Recession enthusiasts have their currency ready to not go. The new Freedom Riders refuse to shop at Christian outposts. Money from trust funds and BuzzFeed severance packages will stay in the pockets of slim hipster jeans. The conspicuous effort to decline purchases is the greatest weapon available for those who define their lives by stuff. People who create nothing are sure eager to drag down anyone with something worth selling.
It’s uncanny how the shrill left’s reflex is always to slow commerce. Whatever they dislike becomes the target of vicious non-spending. And they hate everything. Feel smug by indulging what’s totally not a fascistic impulse to harm a company that has shown insufficient commitment to the politically correct cause of the second.

A vengeful gang intimidating anyone who dares think modern liberalism is as illiberal as it gets. America is well past noting the ironies of the ostensibly openminded. At least they’re consistent about misunderstanding interaction. What they think of as the market is nothing more than spite and refusal to exchange. It’s no wonder those who think unity is coerced hold such a negative view of commerce.

A little exposure would help a lot. Some sort of store internship as a youngster might help confused foes of purchases grasp their value. Call it a job. Never adding anything to the world means they can sadly only demonstrate disapproval. Well, what else are they supposed to do: learn useful skills?

For now, no seller deserves the wrath of abstention like someone daring to run for president. Supreme barista Howard Schultz is being treated as kindly as anyone who disagrees with the left. The jitters seller has some nerve actually believing he could help the nation. After all, he thought people would spend a good chunk of their living expenses on shot glasses of burnt coffee, and that somehow worked.

You’re free to disagree. Just kidding: enjoy your Hateappuccino, Nazi mermaid fan. Somehow, the wait at that little counter doesn’t seem to have shortened despite patronizing Twitter threats to not patronize. At least the flaccid goons’ nasty threats are limp. There is an awful lot of cold calculation about who may affect what percentage of the vote from people who never learn math.

True boycotts stem from lack of value. I personally refuse to buy Starbucks because an icy six-dollar milkshake doesn’t seem like a bargain. My rather soft refusal to acquire caffeine doses from the nautically-themed ubiquitous chain stems from their pomposity. They’ve lectured Americans on just how racist we are, turned bathrooms into opium dens, and preempted fair trade parodies. The difference is I don’t link my morality to going to Tim Hortons instead. As it stands, a snotty coffee place which embodies liberalism is now being avoided by liberals. Well, they’re not going to start making sense now.

For consistent inconsistency, maintainers of ironic hate lists try to stop Chick-fil-A from offering delicious food that might have been handled by Jesus fans. The plan to devastate the meth of chicken sandwich peddlers is working really well aside from how normal humans love the franchise more than most family members. Protesters can try to claim to have reduced the enterprise to only being open six days per week. But it might not hold up. Executives privately endorsing a definition of marriage shared by every major religion may not constitute the moral crisis that’s claimed. The soft boycott has helped in one sense: those craving Earth’s best sandwich have no fear of ironically hateful protesters in line next to them.

If you don’t preen, does the embargo work? I have to let everyone know I care while not spending. Drawing attention is tricky, so good luck trying to keep your superiority to yourself. Still, more modest shoppers are likely to just not buy from enterprises with self-righteous policies instead of good products.

Take Nike hiking their prices so a guy who doesn’t play sports can harangue us on why insulting the anthem is the only way to avoid racism. I’m not burning my swoosh stuff in response; in truth, I don’t have much of their overpriced junk, although I do respect how it reflects their company perfectly. But I may twitch upon seeing the logo in stores from now on and decide to buy something else. The nice part of free markets is having options. There are ways to shave without Gillette products, which is good considering they loathe the men who you’d think would be their target customers.

Putting dollars elsewhere doesn’t take sanctimonious faux heroism. Too many resistance bros and dudettes think their enemies feature segregated lunch counters. In reality, they bully single-employee bakers who subscribe to the apparently outrageous view that marriage is for the benefit of any resulting children. Why is arson illegal in virtuous circumstances? My noble Molotov cocktail is the enemy of intolerance. Smell that sugar burn!

Those being hassled should put patience on display. Any company fearing online retribution for having triggered the mob on that particular day should know how quickly news fades in this snappy world of ours. Let the shrieking subside while noticing the thin ranks of any army threatening their lines. Those whose grand idea revolves around not obtaining more things may struggle to stay organized.

Trump Dodges Skull Rent

Let the person you most hate become life’s focus to teach him a lesson. Blame the uncouth dastard for polluting your skull, because it sure isn’t your fault. The most noxious humans infest our brains, which lead to Twitter replies to him that read like transcripts of Jim Norton’s standup. Our bête noire doesn’t dominate us, they note for the hundredth time today.

Donald Trump obsession is really getting the point. Let him know how little he matters in your life by telling him constantly. To be fair, it might actually get to him. Anyone who’s charted his workday can safely figure he spends at least a plurality of it checking Twitter notifications, so he might be the one president who interacts. Sinking to his level is justified because he’s just so odious, right? In fact, be twice as boorish to teach him his behavior is unacceptable in civil society.

We had to obsess over the guy whose every decision affects each moment. Giving one person as much power as Thanos is totally what the Founders envisioned. Let each day revolve around whatever exhausting goofiness Trump pimps today. Our lives are already micromanaged, so let his domination serve as a byproduct.

Basing life around politics is bound to lead to fuming disappointment when the wrong person wins office. When a reality host and failed board game salesman renowned for treating business like predation gets his turn, those who trusted anyone holding the office with house keys and an ATM PIN are shocked at the betrayal of trust. Ensuing fuming explains why those poor souls who think of nothing but politics turn every discussion and Facebook post back to the uncouth executive. The sudden turn would shock those forced to deal with the self-styled Resistance were we not used to negotiating it every journey.

The top consequence of presuming government should be involved in everything is freaking out about the president’s anything. Anyone sweet enough to think federal compulsion as inspirational didn’t think of a guy like Trump winning in a perfect indicators of foresight. Everything will be amazing once he’s out and someone who’s compassionate about clumsy intervention with sinister consequences takes his place.

It may surprise those who think history started with Barack Obama that our world has nothing new.  Sputtering about a Republican president ruining their lives is as trite as blaming rich people for poverty. Take a national election personally to show them just how little it bothers you that people you dislike can be head of state. These stupid elections are the real problem.

Letting Republicans dominate thoughts is a tradition for the calmly openminded. Ceaseless fuming about someone who doesn’t want a welfare state being in charge is a tradition like ignoring socialism’s failures. Nobody would do that except for a disturbing percentage of one major party. The liberal hobby of obsession goes back to both Bushes, Reagan, and Nixon, each of whom was accused of establishing a casual alliance with Satan by people who don’t seem that religious. Geezer pinkos might’ve similarly fumed about Calvin Coolidge. Why are you silent in the face of murderous telegram monopolies, you diabolical fool?

We know the case against him, to put it mildly. That’s something the notoriously modest Trump himself has never realized. The secret that he’s a big-government goon is tragic precisely because it’s not well-known. Someone who switched political parties in an effort to chase popularity suddenly embodies laissez-faire beliefs because he happened to think Hillary Clinton was particularly vulnerable to corporate raiding.

Even worse, there’s an even worse. Trump conforms to the rotten idea of a business tyrant. An ’80s tycoon with a Penthouse Pet on each arm in the marble-encased suite of a gold-accented soulless black glass tower is bound to stay cool forever. Likewise, his view of business as something to conquer is sure to confirm his alpha status one of these days. Those who loathe free markets should be glad he perpetuates stereotypes.

Trump makes us wish someone cool was wasting our money. The regrettable lesson of the present presidency involves thinking government is about finding the right people to boss us around. Where’s that charming predecessor who inspired us to have free awesome insurance?

Free people should be learning that being told what to do is un-American for a reason, namely that people are better at deciding how the day should proceed than whatever horse’s ass sucked up and lied enough to rise to the top of government. I trust everyone reading to set their own schedules more than, say, Kamala Harris, so the mentality is bipartisan.

An unbelievable concentration of power in the hands of a cloddish government that wastes our time and money doesn’t bother nearly enough people. It will all be okay again once the party that really adores it holds the presidency again. Trump should teach us all that government is America’s worst manager.

Someone this unsuited for the job can nevertheless hold it, which means its tasks should be limited to ribbon-cutting at new gas stations and ordering KFC when foreign dignitaries visit. It’s bipartisan lesson that neither side will learn. Just keep fuming at someone who’s been granted essentially limitless authority. We know Trump’s a problem. The real issue is why that much influence is available in the first place.

Say, Do Same

The best part of principles is having something to sell. Is that cynical enough? I’m trying not to be a dreamer reciting John Lennon lyrics, but perhaps someday humans will adhere to concepts out of the belief they’ll help.

Doing what you say may itself make the process healthy. Sticking with beliefs would be worth it for politicians just see what happens if nerve pays off. There’s a first time for everything. Righteousness inevitably gets criticized in our super fair world. Those who read the Constitution in order to obey it will inevitably be accused of calmly inciting civilization’s end by slightly slowing the rate at which trillions are added to the deficit. But who cares if lunatics freak out with disaster scenarios if circumstances actually work out? Ticking off panicky liberals is merely a side benefit.

If we must be calculating, note that demanding what’s worthwhile should win elections. Voters not only admire the results but also the willingness to stick with principles. The only thing better than believing something is if it’s beneficial.

Let’s beg some leader to hold fast to the promise to cut damn spending. As with a good Bud Light ad, anything could happen for the first time. People see life gets better if their potential or actual funds aren’t squandered in the name of perfecting the collective. We could let the public buy their own things instead of letting Nancy Pelosi charge on our behalf.

Nasty words can’t stop happy results. Anyone taking a machete to the budget will endure calm claims millions will be murdered. Those of us who barely survived Net Neutrality and a modest tax cut brace for the end of days where NPR is funded entirely by pompous bores who listen to it.

I’m furious about the shutdown, namely that it’s over. Our purported guardians have some nerve about ensuring the padlocks get dusty. Aw, look who got upset their precious government closed. Seeing that the Earth doesn’t spin off its axis when Washington freezes should offer quite the lesson. If the feds were responsible for rotation, we would’ve crashed into the Sun by now. Like all other liberal-predicted disasters, let people see that things are actually turning out okay instead of into Lord of the Flies. I don’t want to go back to my high school sophomore reading list any more than you do.

You’d think job loss would be avoided at all costs unless we want the economy to tailspin. Maybe don’t fire whoever’s become infamous on Twitter today. And perhaps you should continue to patronize sellers even if their owners are ghastly enough to believe marriage shouldn’t have been changed.

The unwillingness to panic about mobs applies to personal decisions, as well, especially in our world of instant outrage where skittish employers fire first then seek cause. Count to five and see if hurt feelings from shrill outrage vessels who haven’t and won’t ever be your customer should run your business.

Digging through the past of anyone thrust into headlines is how we gossip in these newfangled times. Social media is the domain of the unproductive, which is why rabid participants resent those who actually contribute to our world. Only those who have enough time to comb through another’s posts from 2011 would think it’s productive. Narcing has become a national pastime.

Anyone thrust into the trending topics should take deep breaths while enduring outrage from openminded folks who think dissenters should be cast adrift. Brace for notifications full of trash after telling a slightly rude joke or possessing the audacity to note that men who think they’re women remain men. The important thing is to not concede territory to ruthless goons who thrive on weakness. Instead, shrug while gesturing to show them ironic hatred won’t bruise you. Apologize for not telling those who refuse to laugh or accept dissent to sod off sooner.

Why make amazing times happen when it’s so much easier to just promise it? Hollowness is normal under a president who’s deeply into proclaiming how he’s going to make life as awesome as it is for him. Voters were sick of talk. So, they elected someone who’s all talk. Now, that’s an outsider. An increasingly delusional faction claims he’s a man of integrity on his own terms and even bolder in the face of criticism. That’s true except how he gives in on, oh, everything. If Donald Trump’s a lion, skip the zoo.

Those hoping for a brave example shouldn’t look to the White House. That applies to looking for other noble qualities, too, if you’re tying to save time. At best, Trump’s obsessed giving in to the other side. What do they think dealmaking is? He could be the singular negotiator who suckers adversaries into handing over their deeds. Instead, he signs away the Washington Memorial in exchange for swampland in Pyongyang and a compliment about his tie.

This may be a good time to start notice Trump’s history of saying he’ll do something amazing while never following through. Those who insist on precise definitions of words note that this constitutes the opposite of achievement. In fact, such thin results following fat boasting make him the biggest politician of them all. The irony will remain long after he’s given in on everything else.