Fake Free

We’ll connect with reality as soon as we decide what free means. Getting something without paying is so much better than forking over currency, you silly goose. It’s not stealing if the government tells you to take it. All that’s needed is a law.

Despite conservatives complaining about theft or whatever, politics is truly as easy as deciding life costs too much. I’m certain there will never be an asterisk next to free. Not teaching basic economics at public schools continues to have delightful consequences for your checking balance.

Cut off the price tag for savings. Brighter fellow citizens really think affordability is that simple if you wonder why elections keep turning out like they do. Such exquisite doltishness explains rage when confronted on just who funds compensation. You’re using services, you know, and the 13thAmendment prohibits coerced employment.

Acting like everyone who disagrees favors agony is quite the way to compensate. You could make entities compete for your quarters if you want something cheaper, as they’d have to dance like you wish at the best price possible. Or, you could selflessly demand unfettered access to things you use without dusting off your coin purse. Blame corporate greed for items costing money, according to fans of an impossibly expansive government that’s racked up 22 freaking trillion dollars in debt without flinching. 

Contempt for anyone who notices others are spending what’s earned with little concern for price or results is how our government stays healthy. Why do you want things to cost money? You most get excited at the prospect of the poor suffering, you cruel baron. The openminded way of presuming disagreement is for sadistic idiots often manifests itself in seething rage aimed at anyone who demands bills be paid. The inspirational side never conceives of prices being fair or anyone getting a raise.

There’s no greater dignity than earning a living. Now, here’s everything for free. Devaluing work is just one delightful side effect of attempting to control prices. The same ones who demand ridiculous minimum wages want countless products given away.

Eh, just have the government pay for it to compensate. I’m unsure if it’s scarier to think the rich can and should fund whatever politicians decide to buy or genuinely can make life affordable through decree. Don’t forget to raise the minimum wage while deciding the government should hand out more to maximize sense.

Reasonable people can disagree. Also, nobody who disagrees with you is reasonable. Twitter shriekers think mean conservatives must want others to go without housing or insulin, as there’s no possible alternative for wanting insurance or schooling to cost money. The outrage distracts from collectivists’ own policies causing tremendous burdens through pimping the delusion that politicians can protect us from the cruelty of having to spend more than wanted on what we buy.

Anything that costs money is too much. Guess what happens when you attempt to deny supply and demand? The experiment’s results are as certain as what happens when you aim a flamethrower at a matchbook factory covered in napalm. Hey, check it out: it’s afire!

School must be a great treasure if it doesn’t cost anything to attend. One might think it’d be easy to recognize patterns after taking 120 credits. Take how tuition skyrocketed when government subsidized it. The solution is obviously more government. Brighter graduates sure learned a lot about economics while majoring in pottery studies.

You’re exchanging quite a bit for your purportedly complimentary items. Federal possession of souls may be fine for those who treat government as religion. But those who think Heaven isn’t situated on the Potomac may appreciate the advantages of free will.

Government is guaranteed to make life more pricey. The consistent results are unlike, say, claiming human progress heats the planet. An institution renowned for foresight uses money confiscated from taxpayers to compensate for inflating demand.

Pretending class warfare makes products cheaper is a nice complement to printing more money. You can buy more, duh. It’s tough to know whether lusty redistributionists believe throwing cash at merchandise actually works or if they’re just happy to make the successful hand it over. But they’re sure to embrace value either way.

The only real argument for free college is that it would finally be priced accurately. You get what you pay for. College may seem like an astronomical waste, what with the sort of idiots churned out after four or seven years on lush campuses. But purported students are still provided with a service, even if it’s only babysitting them while forestalling entrance to the real world. Marxist brats used heated classrooms, rent-a-cop public safety, and the services of professors who get paid regardless of whether or not they deserve it.

As for those mental dwarves who aren’t enrolled in prestigious diploma mills, they will have to learn from ordinary life that trying to dodge charges actually makes you poorer. It’s uncanny how university attendees believe the value provided by things like sociology degrees is incalculably beneficial to society. Actually, the cost is easy to determine. It’s never too late to learn the difference between priceless and worthless.


Burning Flag-Burning Bans

Flag-burning is useful for self-identifying undeserving jackasses. Thank those miserable haters who don’t even realize they’re being helpful. Pyrotechnicians so lame that Great White wouldn’t hire them destroy the representation of the very liberty they exploit. But the exhortation to get angry enough to legally prevent the distasteful inferno is inadvertently symbolic itself, too. Don’t let those who mock your embrace of rights lure you in to altering principles to impede them.

Only a president who thinks pink marble represents classy success could bring back such an ’80s issue. Donald Trump’s caricature of conservatism now includes a call to restrict using private property in an unseemly manner, namely by using a lighter to use American flags as a heat source. There seems to be more efficient ways to generate energy. But that’s no reason to interdict on personal repulsive temperature preferences.

Never learning should also remain legal even if unpalatable. There will apparently be an entire term of an indolent salesman crudely stating what he thinks being a Constitution fan means. We’re truly enduring the Sean Hannity presidency and associated intellectual flourishes. A flag reflected in a crying bald eagle’s tear is the only true way to represent oneself on Twitter.

It turns out many purported conservatives just wanted their own bully. Slapping a sheen of patriotism on vigorous federal pushiness is the defining characteristic of the wholly restrained Trump era. Opposing the ability to ignite fabric is not quite an open-minded concept no matter what the item in question represents. But restricting anger is how other furious people now cope. Oh: are you against America, comrade?

There are better ways to express fondness for this nation than by wrecking its values. The First Amendment, which to reiterate doesn’t create a right but codifies it, extends to the grossest humans you can imagine. I hate flag-burners more than I do Tom goddamn Brady lifting the Lombardi Trophy. But I hate taking the option to be awful even more. I’m the last person I would think embodied lenience, but the longtime Democrat serving as a Republican president has twisted countless aspects.

Lousy ideas are legal. That includes banning flag-burning. Could you incinerate a copy of the amendment? Would it be lawful to torch that picture of smirking Donald hugging the flag that couldn’t be parodied?

It’s the worst uses of free will that need the most shelter. You’re allowed to cheer for the Holocaust, claim September 11 was staged, and call for wings to be dipped in ranch. It’s not only that idiots with atrocious ideas should get to proclaim how doltish they are so the decent-minded can avoid them: the ability to praise the worst opinions is exactly what makes the concept work.

Be tolerant for the right reasons. Take those who think hate speech should be banned, who usually seem to also claim anyone who opposes gun control is guilty because they hate living kids. Guess who would get to define what constitutes unacceptable words? I’m the one who determines if my salary is high enough.

The woke patrol seems a little too cool with burning flags. It’s almost like those calling America the most oppressive place on this planet think brats with matches have a point. Take a poll to see how many would support banning pride flag burning to find vigorous endorsement.

Feel free to exercise the right to ignore those who say awful things. Nothing ticks off grown babies who bitch about America like depriving them of attention. Sanctimonious burners want a reaction. Depriving them of oxygen as they give it to flames takes away that thrill. Those embodying petulance are too dim to realize they’re condemning the very freedoms they use. The one thing uglier than a burning flag is the sort of person who thinks it’s a gutsy statement.

Good luck to those seeking a flag-lighting to ban, as the ungracious hobby seems as outdated as a payphone. A prohibition is helpful if you’re out to create martyrs, which seems inadvisable. Indulging in outrage is like freaking out over pasty white supremacist rallies. Those craving provocation hate the eye-rolls they deserve. Instead of furrowing brows and yelling back about hating hate, shrug and laugh as you walk away thinking about how few push-ups the doughy members of the alleged master race could manage.

Contemporary commies can despise the very thing that allows them to say and do rotten things like waste lighter fluid. Everything they use to make ashes is the byproduct of mutual voluntary exchange. But the 28th Amendment shouldn’t be used to ban irony.

It’s not like a tariffs fan would propose something counterproductive. I know it’s complicated, but we allow awful twits to engage in crummy activities unless they cause genuine harm. Feelings don’t count unless you’re trying to create a right-wing version of social justice warriors, which actually sounds like a key Trump reelection bloc.

Permitting disgusting activities doesn’t mean we must be hasty to inform authorities about accidents. An entire crowd might happen to look away at the moment a flag-burner slips and runs into a veteran’s stationary fist. Please don’t get any accelerants on yourself, flag immolator, as it’d be awful to see a pinko cretin ignite like a Ford Pinto backing into a fireworks factory. That’d be a heck of a patriotic display.

Those who hate what our nation represents benefit the most from it. Safeguards are what make this place so magical. America-loathing schmucks enjoy rights precisely because they’re awful people. America even protects the ingrates. Now, that’s a nation whose flag deserves to stay intact. You don’t even need a law for it.

Nope and Change

Remember Barack Obama doing a bad job? I’m sorry for ruining nostalgia. But it’s important to note looking back is sometimes only comfortable for not having to endure it anymore. You can still think of contempt in the present tense if you’d like to remember how horrifying the bad old days were.

Adoring someone instead of noticing what a putz he was is supposed to make today’s authority adulation even more embarrassing by comparison, so at least it’s nice to have a benchmark.

Remembering the previous administration was awful with a different tone is the only comfort during a rather crude era. Sure, we still endure daily nightmares under a weak strongman, but they’re of a somewhat different kind, and the variety of irritation keeps life spicy. We’re enduring a different style of paternalistic groupthink. I’m still unsure if brutish chirping is more reassuring than creepy statist platitudes. Donald Trump is somewhat more honest about wanting you to worship him, although trusting any politician is as foolish as buying a timeshare while selling in a pyramid scheme.

Deep into the presidency you still can’t believe is happening, the most satisfying aspect for a certain percentage of voters is the comfort of finally getting to join a cult. Your last autonomous act may have been backing a president who does the thinking for you. Or, you can realize that anyone who sucks up enough to win an election shows that narcissism and intelligence don’t necessarily overlap.

I don’t particularly care for the incumbent, either. It’s truly bipartisan to realize all politicians are trash piles and just particularly so at present. Focus on how each of these thieving monsters give trash fires a bad name and you’ll be far less likely to hand over decisions and cash.

Remember how Trump halted New East Germany from becoming our alt-history reality? Pretending he’s saving us from sharia socialism isn’t just a fun way to distract from a lack of accomplishments. A placeholder who didn’t think far ahead enough to scheme happened to be the other option when the alternative went full Sandinista.

Not being a lunatic Democrat is Trump’s best quality. His accomplishments still fall in the category of somehow not being the worst option. But you should definitely act like he saved America from the commies just like only one person can take credit for elbow room on Atlantic City’s boardwalk.

Blessed are those who hate every politician, for they shall inherit the debt. The blessedly cynical are just irked at ceaseless infiltration, in part because they’ll be billed for the mandated profligacy of both impossibly stupid parties. Politics is now a contest between two worshipers of federal power who each claim they’re more efficient at managing Godzilla. Both are wrong, of course, but at least there’s no conservative option.

Those who’ve been unhappy as long as there is a party in control are subversive lunatics. Limited-government insurgents react dangerously by sighing, perhaps with an eye roll if particularly irritated by a straw ban or sodie pop tax. Exasperated tweets are not the outcome I was told to expect.

Dissidents were supposed to rage out over not getting what was wanted. Those who just want the freaking government to obey the Constitution instead of spending a trillion dollars more per year than the astounding fortune they confiscate also aren’t drawn to politics, which makes stopping the cash conflagration challenging.

Remember the halcyon era when people who attended Tea Parties were called racist mobs? People who dared note government acts as unconstitutionally as it does uselessly were demonized as un-American, somehow. Pretend that everyone wants to mooch just like Elizabeth Warren.

Wholly rational zealots who struggle to imagine their preferred political outcomes never happening are really pleasant to debate. Meddlers have caused thorough poverty and utter misery every time they barge in and impose their daft concepts for organizing society. The tantrums when they blessedly don’t get it are less fun than expected. You’d think the way their preferred goals have to be forced would serve as a sign that maybe they’re not palatable.

Open-minded Obama minions oh so tolerantly decided that everyone who disagrees is a plastic bag-using neo-Hitler. Life is going to be ruined if their astoundingly crummy policies aren’t implemented right this second. You’d think continually spiraling entitlements might bring them joy.

Government’s growth sort-of being slowed is tempered by how we still get insane spending for nothing. You can’t decline the purchase. Also, the bravest establishment-fighting outsider ever is too craven to note Social Security is about to bankrupt whippersnappers all so fogeys’ pittances continue uninterrupted.

Circumstances are slightly better if you like a slight reduction in getting ripped off legally. Or, they’re possibly worse, as the party that’s ostensibly in favor of limiting hassling is now inexorably linked to a Napoleonic buffoon using his term to further a delusional case that he’s the most successful man to ever grace our loser planet. Acting like joining one henchmen faction is better because of Supreme Court justices isn’t going to make any branch as irrelevant as deserved.

Lame Libel Label

Government is awful at everything except determining if words are accurate. The new generation of ass-kissing massive-state conservatives don’t have to pretend to believe the first part anymore. Arrogant suck-ups we elect to run our lives have been doing amazingly by coincidence ever since Donald Trump ascended into office. It turns out we only needed to limit federal power until a great and good business titan got to gently wield the axe provided by magnanimous contributions from taxpayers to chop sadness from our suddenly robust lives.

With a kindly modest executive in charge, it’s finally safe to control words. Take his ceaseless obsession with expanding libel laws, which would punish those who dare suggest life under Dear Leader isn’t a joyous expression of Juche. Insolence cannot be tolerated. The desire to take legal action against sloppy bias appeals to a sensitive lad of a president who can’t cope with hurt feelings from meanie jerks. I have bad news about several things he spews daily if he wants to make it easier to sue for deliberate inaccuracy.

Free speech isn’t cool anymore as part of a newfound respect for overreach. It’s dangerous to let people say what they wish just like it is to allow unqualified humans to trade with suspicious foreign countries. A White House that boasts of inexperience as a virtue will make up new rules as it goes along in what’s sure to contain foresight about consequences. Instincts aren’t necessarily wise. Noting such is libelous now.

I was just thinking there needs to be more unelected bureaucrats determining what isn’t permitted discourse. The limits on just what can be said are a matter for the courts. There just isn’t enough latitude for guessing what was in an editor’s heart. Let’s trust judges appointed by Democrats or at least longtime Democrats like Donald Trump.

It’s insubordinate to suggest the president’s ostensible party could ever lose again. But envision such horrors helps us cope with a cruel universe. As a purely calculating move, creating the precedent of vigorous libel standards is foolish considering how, say, the previous authority-loving pinko who held the job branded any dissent from wholesale admiration as seditious. It’s possible there may be a non-Trump president someday, and we prepare hoping it never happens.

Net neutrality for publishing is bound to be the precise opposite of chilling. The sanctimonious effort to apply the DMV’s principles to the internet was framed as the government protecting us from evil corporations. In reality, you’d never guess who was really controlling content. Now, the same monolithically putzing entity would ideally determine whether false information was spread deliberately. They ruined insurance and can’t deliver mail, but the brutish oafs in charge will be able to dispassionately determine if facts align.

Temporary outrages don’t justify permanent restrictions. It sucks when someone utters something as unpleasant as it is factually dubious. But we have to believe truth will win out even though falsehoods have been given a running start. Your capital is guaranteed to make the issue worse. The urge to stay calm despite violations applies to every situation. Panicky legislation that presumes Washington is omniscient will improve life the next time it’s tried.

Adults learn to shrug off cheap shots, especially if they have the world’s most power. Trump isn’t going to hold back his moans just because he has nuke codes. Whining about the establishment globalist insider George W. Bush not fighting back is commonly cited as justification for the incumbent’s pugnacious mentality. But it takes nerve to worry about doing one’s job instead of kvetching how some Twitter twerp was cruel.

Trusting the same entity that ruins everything it touches to determine objective truth is bound to have pleasant consequences. Could experts help? Perhaps a panel of CNN anchors could decide what crosses the line.

Journalists don’t do themselves any favors as they pretend it’s the internet rendering their jaundiced asses obsolete. The pompous slobs were dumb enough to major in journalism, so you can’t expect much. It should be easy to cover a president whose personality reflects policies in such a tiresome way. Just turn on the broadcasting device and let him explain how amazing he is despite evidence. But Trump’s superpower is driving critics as insane as he is. That said, we don’t take away rights because of those who abuse them, even if it’s Jim Acosta.

What’s a free speech? Conservatism now means people you like in power doing what they please. It’s different than Democrats being in charge because of the flag in the background. The speed at which minions will endorse clumsy invasiveness is only matched by the rabidity. Sean Hannity would back single-payer if Trump casually endorsed it while diverging from prepared remarks. It’s little surprise a toadying dunce abandoned his dedication to free speech once his dreamboat called for the same.

The zeal for pushy authority isn’t based on personal grudges or anything. It’d be a shame if a purported tough guy president was actually a shrieking bitch who can’t tolerate criticism to the point he demands judicial intervention. Someone handed everything in life can’t believe he’s opposed for it. The enemies list of anyone who’s ever criticized him for anything doesn’t include, say, Kim Jong-un.

Taking his personal grudges to courts couldn’t define this presidency more perfectly. Trump could save everyone concern about infringing on speech if he’d shut the hell up. It’s just a request and not a wish for legal compliance.

Capitalism Idea

You can call yourself a financial transaction engineer, and it won’t change how a touchscreen is about to replace you at Arby’s. Calling something an embellished name will not dilute the principle. It’s like how capitalism is just a term for free exchange.

A system for competition is not a competing system. The loaded term was slapped on by commies trying to pretend the way humans interact is just one option, and an exploitative one, at that. If statists were as good at being productive as they are at making up stories, they might have made an economy work.

Everything has value. Bringing up prices seems tawdry. But big-government goons are the ones who debase decency by insisting so much should be complimentary. Yes, just about anything can be measured monetarily, even those things which we need.

Those who think commercialism has run rampant should see how expensive life gets if you bill the collective. Trying to remove costs inflates them even more than having Weird Al Yankovic autograph something. Pretending to not believe that, say, health care has a charge makes everyone sicker.

Socialists are constantly complaining about money, namely that they want more. Also, business owners are the greedy ones. Profiting is an option. You’re not forced to embrace gaining wealth above all else. Live in the woods and eat bark if you don’t find trading goods with fellow humans appealing. It beats selfless sharing nations where you don’t have to toil constantly because there are no jobs. Uncannily, everyone struggles in societies that by chance have decided that things should be free. Nothing is more costly.

You’re free to negotiate no matter what you have or want. Whore yourself for anything, although Thomas Sowell’s books feature more polite terms. Looking for a product or a job to purchase some of the former may seem restrictive. But it’s actually liberating to be able to earn at will.

Nothing helps like striving to compile bucks. Corporate titans contribute to the general welfare by working and selling. Bitching about employers not paying enough in taxes is like ordering the economy to sputter. Those at the top of the industrial food chain can eliminate the need for a welfare state by using what they earn for salaries. But how can those who add nothing assuage their consciences?

Politicians who have decided they know everything know less than nothing. Their very elections proves life is not a zero-sum game. One candidate’s idiocy doesn’t make the other suck less.

The worthlessness of any option is particularly evident in an era when both doltish factions have decided they know what to buy better than those who made the funds do. You didn’t even know what you wanted until your representative informed you. Trying to acquire decadent goods you shouldn’t desire is against the common good.

The urge to assemble for national fitness by law is sadly bipartisan. We have a Republican president who’s decided buying stuff from icky foreign countries is unpatriotic. He’s the same one who doesn’t understand that a trade deficit just means we got stuff for the money. But the classy gent who decided slapping his guttural name on products is the source of success surely knows what’s worthwhile.

Anyone who notices the government treating commerce like Godzilla does Tokyo wants no state involvement outside of arresting fraudsters. Liberty doesn’t mean funding one party over the other. You don’t have to cheer for the Yankees because you loathe the Red Sox. Pretending that corporate welfare is part of laissez-faire principles is Jewish bacon.

The mistaken idea that the capitalistic side favors companies has set back economic freedom even more than Paul Krugman. True free marketeers are indifferent to results, even if I prefer White Castle sells enough sliders to stay in business eternally. We just want everyone allowed to make the deal they prefer. Favoring capital freedom means being pro-business, not pro-businesses.

Even attempts to cripple trade can’t stop the interaction. The right to barter works so well that those who grift from the byproduct can moan about how oppressive having to earn a living. Guilt results from empty lives devoid of earning. Those who favor legal mooching are living their people’s fantasy. As with every other scheming dream, it can only be maintained if others hustle.

Compromise just means screwing up a little. You really want to get that right balance of free interaction and overbearing inept regulation. Meanwhile, Yelp holds more businesses accountable than any federal agency. Outposts have to answer to those who they interact with by choice. Impeccable service providing items at fair prices is the uncanniest result of having to impress customers.

Those who struggle to generate anything lucrative are always going to pretend there’s another option beside trading by consent. You can bet it’ll involve calling earning what you’d like oppressive. It’s naturally racist, too.

Outrage Patrol

You have to work really hard to be a victim these days. The effort required would seem to dissuade anyone from seeking the status, as getting wronged is supposed to be bad in case anyone needed a reminder. But there’s no way to proclaim marginalization without losing your money and culture, so be on the lookout for anyone remotely suspicious.

Sick twits obtain status from being harmed, which is a symptom of the disease of victimhood. For those who struggle to be productive, there’s no better use of ample free time than looking to get in the way of fists. Text a lawyer now so you have the number saved.

Looking to be offended is a sure sign there’s nothing really offensive happening. It’s sort-of a good sign that there’s ample free time to seek grievances. Free markets enable enough comfort that ingrates don’t even appreciate it. Using persecution as currency is a chance to push the boundaries of imagination, and that’s way easier than working. Starbucks won’t even let you deviate from the crosshatch caramel pattern on top of the macchiato. You have to be creative to think of how cruel capitalists have brought grievous harm. The sin of offering work is never forgiven.

I like your culture. I’m sorry to take your precious background from you like that. It might be so tasty that I’m going to prepare foods from it. Now, that’s culinary genocide. But what if you don’t understand a way of life as thoroughly as someone who has spent a lifetime immersed in it? Sure, you claim that’s inevitable, but only as a reflection of your colonial insensitivity. Appreciating what you didn’t grow up with is superficial by nature. You can like the little bits you’ve encountered even if they’re not representative of every nuance. I know it’s offensive to associate delicious foods with other ethnicities, but I’m hungry and tired of Wonder Bread.

Be flattered someone is trying to speak your language instead of feeling indignant about struggling with verb tenses. Attempting to speak someone else’s language is now a way of commandeering their ways like the cruel colonial oppressors we are. There should be an app to check if society is too insular or acquisitive, as I feel like I’m being offensive just by thinking of other nations.

If you weren’t lucky enough to be born persecuted, you can imagine you’re suffering to compensate for guilt. A popular hobby among those living cushily is choosing to be offended on behalf of a marginalized group, which is totally the opposite of patronizing. Get most upset at wearing garments associated with an ethnicity for maximum point-scoring. A sombrero is a hate crime. You can put on my culture’s clothes if you like shopping at Old Navy, as I don’t mind.

There’s no better way to create gender equality than the proclamation that one needs special protection. Pretending women make less is one of those assumptions that is ingrained despite anything trifling like evidence. It would save a lot of money if they did, as managers would only hire females. Then there’d be no crime and open feelings in the break room, am I right, ladies?

The gender pay gap should anger everyone, namely because it doesn’t exist. Please stop perpetrating stereotypes about women being poor at math. You could note that salaries are equal if you control for career choice and time off to raise kids. But searching for weakness gives validation to warriors for the repressed, even if it takes a bit of make believe. You can be a princess in your dreams.

America is where those silenced never stop shrieking. Contempt for the nation so prosperous that it enables incessant bitching is part of the myopic charm of outrage pimps. They’re quite effective at spreading uselessness. Those who wouldn’t imagine avoiding irritation shifted the dialogue so that singing and respecting the anthem is an act of oppression. And calling a man who thinks he’s a woman a man is grounds for banishment. You can feel how tolerant society has become. Those on the prowl for the next purported offense against equality couldn’t be happier.

We must fight intolerance by not tolerating those who dissent. It’s almost a neat trick. The hypocrisy’s my favorite part. The same self-appointed guardians of humorlessness who presume there’s implicit bias in all their enemies make ridiculous assertions as if they’re prophets. They always know just who’s been harmed even if the alleged targets don’t say so.

Ours is a time for psychological projection to thrive. Yes, everyone who opposes you refuses to tolerate the beliefs of others. Getting someone fired for tweets suggesting Donald Trump shouldn’t be under trial at the Hague is how we encourage an open dialogue. And remember that Chick-fil-A peddles hate and not Earth’s tastiest sandwich. Once everyone thinks alike, we can at last get along.


We no longer have much need for trolley drivers or mustache wax, although hipsters are dragging the latter back into vogue. Obsolete jobs result from progress, which is that thing where we don’t have to deliver ice and coal to approach comfort. Still, that doesn’t mean people are outdated because their jobs are despite politicians telling such to audiences they truly value. I’m sorry if you enjoy the check provided by repairing television tubes, but the market has gone flat.

There’s no greater arrogance than thinking this year is special. So let’s do just that. We’re the best, what with our advanced pocket computers and thorough understanding of how many genders there are. This is the first time jobs have been replaced because our era is unique.

The incredibly enlightened belief that nothing suggested has been tried a thousand times before is also why freaking socialism is popular by professional history haters. This whole technology thing has been happening for as long as we’ve been here. Wheels put pushers out of business, but musclebound freaks resiliently recovered and started the first strongman competitions.

Smash the machines for full employment, especially in the field of machine-smashing. Mandate a high minimum wage to ensure everyone’s rich, too. What do you mean, who pays? Automation will cause mass unemployment. It’s why humanity never recovered from the tractor’s invention.

Okay, maybe technology didn’t make us obsolete and in fact saved us from lifetimes tilling fields by hand in a feeble backbreaking attempt to eke out a meager living. And efficiency means more stuff at cheaper prices. But please think of the poor members of our species who can’t adjust. The poor souls wear parkas to Independence Day barbeques.

How did any carriage driver survive the internal combustion engine’s introduction? People adapting to what’s coming is one of the few pleasant things we do. It’s not to put any us out of work on purpose just to test, as that’s a premise so awful that even journalists don’t deserve it. We surprisingly resilient as long as you presume a capacity to meet challenges. Learning to service ATMs instead of lamenting the shrinking bank teller industry is the best way to avoid victimhood.

Order screens are the most pleasant thing to interact with at McDonald’s. That’s so cruel to the surly professionals who ensure you get extra pickles instead of none at all as requested. Simple efficiency drives business owners, not the cruel desire to shove those they employ into living under viaducts. The same sadistic urge which causes heartless tycoons to value making money over giving small hourly fortunes to new hires will never be eliminated via legislation. It’s almost like a company’s purpose is to profit as a result of creating something people will buy.

Machines work better than humans. We bristle at feeling inferior and robo-flippers would never rub it in. But anyone who’s ever held a menial job can testify to the break room’s poor morale. Very few robots are cranky, resentful, or hung over. Oh, and they’ll work for zero dollars per hour just in case any cashiers are feeling cocky.

Higher wages are great as long as someone’s forced to hire you. Until coercion is legalized in the name of compassion, the termination will be hastened by a preposterous starting wage. James Cameron is a visionary thanks to meddling liberals, so congratulations on modifying history to make him right.

Cyborg fry cook maintenance is the career choice of the future. I don’t know what major would teach it best, but I know it’s not gender studies. Other careers are going to exist for longer than this sentence, so look for jobs with robot pals.

All we know is that we don’t know. Humans can’t plan for how life is going to change. Those who think they’ll accurately classify tomorrow are watching the Beta cassettes of their choice on Eastern Airlines rocket flights to Jupiter. We can only notice trends as they’re emerging. Pretending our times are unique is a sure way to fall behind.

Make sure your profession doesn’t inspire contempt among snotty liberals if you want sympathy. Those upset that certain industries are no longer desirable gloat about coal mining going the way of the dinosaurs whose remains are buried next door. You’re only allowed to feel bad for workers of crummy biased newspapers who used to lecture you when they were the only game in town. Read tomorrow’s editorial calling to ban the internet for the sake of employment if you can find a copy for sale.

The media might be in better shape if they didn’t believe that the economy is static. Perhaps we should ignore ignorance from those who chose careers that are as valuable as candle wax technicians. Pay phones are the next big retro thrill, so invest in those.

Journalists lecturing about progress setting back humanity have an ulterior motive. People who can’t grasp that jobs are a byproduct of creating value want to preserve time, which works just as well. Someone has to like what you do enough to pay for it. If that bothers you, take it up with the tablet that’s now your manager.