Hand Over Our Money

Your money used to be yours.  Quaint times of property rights seem as ancient as reading a newspaper.  Hand over the hive’s share and be glad you’re allowed to retain anything. Put it in the pile so we can share what you selfishly claim to have earned.  There’s nothing more American than taking what’s held by stubborn individuals to help us all through road paving and Social Security.  The government’s the best part of this country, right?

What you do with your cash somehow became our concern.  Could you open your blinds, please?  It’s not a request.  Groups of us who join forces to profit are by definition many times worse.  How much money you got in there?

Rich corporations have plenty of bucks they sit upon, as there’s nothing that helps them more than selfishly hoarding currency.  That’s according to people who aren’t in business themselves and know nothing about it along with loathing the idea of profiting but are totally certain how this rotten system operates.

Sure, the inner workings of any legitimate enterprise should be private by definition, and not a thought goes to how much value the most menial workers generate.  On the other hand, I want what I’ve decided is a living wage.  What do you mean, what do I do?

A preposterous mandatory starting salary is important if you’re not planning on earning a raise.  Why would anyone bother?  The idea that earning more means owing a higher percentage is super for motivation.  There’s relief for anyone tired of tracking others.  It’s not anyone’s damn business how much anyone else has made.  Calculating how much belongs to the collective is a fun way to invade what’s your business.  Has anyone noticed what happens to federal receipts?  Even a cursory examination would force observers to condemn salaries for congressman.

Libertarian dreamers hope to unite Americans in all loathing the same small levy. The goal of a universal low rate that’s easy for those starting off to afford is too sensible to work.  Rich people keeping their money aren’t going to spend or invest it, so we better confiscate.  Cash certainly isn’t theirs to squander or keep as they wish.

Get back here in the crab bucket.  How dare you seek sunlight?  Very pleasant people who totally stick to their own concerns claim the wealthy owe us more as if success should provoke guilt.  They use the same utilities as everyone else, which is why half their income should be incinerated.  Reduced federal spending requires not buying useless junk, which is just too much to bear.

Liberals who claim their counterparts are teeming with guilt sure aren’t projecting or anything.  The most diabolical profiteers amongst us dare indulge the urge to provide a need to those willing to pay for it Meanwhile, they attempt to make anyone who earns more than average feel like they’ve sinned.  Calculate how much a studio apartment costs and two Taco Bell meals per day, and that’s all the income you need.

Prices going up is usually a good thing.  No, you may not exactly like it.  But it’s also no fun how beer and ice cream contain ample calories, and what else are you supposed to serve guests for dinner?  I can’t believe it needs to be explained, but something more valuable is going to cost as much as you’d think.  Attractive items feature a price tag that discourages hoarding. By contrast, removing the motive to shop for bargains as necessarily happens when the government gets our credit card is sure to spur frugality.

Washington going on a spree on our behalf offers the worst of both worlds: it costs more to get less.  Other than that, we’re getting good value. It’s not quite shocking that those who think we get a swell deal out of taxes don’t grasp how a business works.

It’s too bad telling others what to do isn’t profitable.  Self-appointed CEOs have made a habit out of scolding private employers for how much they voluntarily offer hires to perform unskilled work just like should happen in a free nation.  Do what de facto socialists want and they promise to stop harassing people who spend their days working.

That’s just about enough of mutual exchange.  Employers can’t offer assignments at a rate agreeable to those who accept.  Shaming particular enterprises with the menacing threat of federal action will surely lead to growth.  We don’t even need profitable bastards to fund entitlements, as that’s what debt is for.  Who said getting rich was hard?


We Couldn’t Be Smarter

Quit putting miles on brains.  Thinking for oneself leads to synapses firing, and nobody needs to accumulate stress on that critical organ. It’s better to keep a mind in mint condition by presuming whatever the candidate you voted for orders is awesome.  Criticism is frowned upon in our loyal society, as individualism means we can’t be united.  Think like me to avoid discord.

Those who care about their pet candidates should actually mock the most, as keeping politicians accountable is the only way they’ll succeed. Instead, such insolence results in banishment.  You don’t want to feel even lonelier on Twitter.

It’s a sign of caring to tell you what to do, so stop resisting. All that squirming only makes administering your medicine more painful.  You’ll be strapped in until you obey. This is for your own benefit.  Imagine your mom on your case for your goofy decisions, only with the force of law instead of love.  Are you telling me Washington doesn’t care about you?  The government acting parentally has made us all happy brats, and we’re totally on the verge of independence.

A level of devotion that makes Kim Jong-un envious is one way to prove superiority. We’re way more frenzied than your loser side. People who are sick of politicians messing with their lives worship one on particular.  He’s renowned for announcing he loathes politicians, which is a trick as old as claiming to be different from other guys who want to get in your pants. That didn’t stop people who may as well have been born yesterday from thinking they’ve got human life all figured out.

Guess who became a politician as soon as he won an election?  I’ve got bad news for fans of the rugged outsider tearing down the establishment, especially considering Donald Trump’s life story revolves around the theme of trying to belong.  I’m too cool for your club full of jerks, unless you’ve decided to admit me.  Why else would he need to start his own country clubs?

People are tired of putting wear and tear on their minds. Life leads to hard miles for the old noggin, which is why we select leaders who selflessly decide for the rest of us.  Are same decisions wise?  Who cares?  We’re surely brilliant when we decide who’s going to drive our bus, and questioning the direction runs against the spirit of American Juche. You should be more loyal to the nation. And the government.  They’re the same thing, no?

The whole point of voting is letting someone else think for you, so stop being un-American by questioning what happens next.  Anyone who wins an office is blessed with uncommon wisdom for determining what the rest of us should do.  What are you suggesting: that the majority doesn’t rule?  Loser nerds find no comfort in the cafeteria.

The presumption that government is the solution to any problem has led to the outstanding results you’d expect.  I credit wholly unbiased media coverage which frames any consumer freedom as an unregulated murderous shootout between bandits.

Searching for a law in response to any quasi-crisis shows just how dedicated rugged individuals are to regulating problems into submission.  We can’t just let entrepreneurs respond to needs. How could people know what’s best for them?  It’s better to stay insecure and vote accordingly, but only after you’re told.

If you really want to see how rabid modern political devotees are, wait for their chosen hero to screw up.  The most ardent fans actually grow more defensive after he does something rotten.  The fear he’s being attacked motivates the most zealous to close ranks. Impeachment talk always helps the incumbent, so feel free to call bringing attention to the constitutional removal process a conspiracy theory. Politics is about babies in the same crib competing to see who can screech louder.  The winner gets to be in charge of scolding adults.

Worst of all, the president’s biggest fans let him stay the flabbiest. Cult lieutenants keep their precious savior from facing criticism that would make him sharper.  He’s never going to improve if shielded from feedback.  In fact, recent presidents have become more insufferable the more they’ve gone the Howard Hughes route, which causes even more insane responses.  Presidents won’t be leaving the White House before long.

Admiring a president is doing America wrong.  Extending even more power to those who wish to reign over us is a fun way to betray humanity. Be inspired by your own choices while grudgingly giving those who are unfortunately in charge just enough authority to achieve government’s minimum goals.  Wearing a president’s apparel is a byproduct of cheering for the worst sport of all.  Is golf too exciting?

Corroboration Nation

Play poker with the Resistance for the quickest way to get rich during this presidency.  America’s top dupes will claim Donald Trump made them poor.  Their inability to bluff would’ve kept his casinos open. Gullible cynics are shocked your claim about which cards you hold was inaccurate.

The most paranoid people are willing to believe anything their fellow raging mental patients post on Facebook about America’s detour into Reich emulation as biblical truth.  Watch them trust everyone as they distrust Trump on everything.  Inconsistency is the mildest of their problems.

Migrants demand to be admitted to a country where that monstrous jerk Trump is in charge.  Why would they want to live in a lawless place that lets anyone in?  Maybe demanding admission is a test where they’ll come back and apply legally if their staged shrieking is denied.  Believe those with sob stories no matter what for a policy based in rational compassion.

Replace the border with the honor system to end mendacity.  If you say you’re allowed, you must be honest.  But do you ever get the nagging feeling someone might not be telling the truth?  Yes, it’s unpleasant to realize that not only are we capable of saying things that may not reflect actuality but may even do so deliberately. People have been known to lie in one of the frustrating but typical aspects of dealing with our crummy species.  A youngster may not be the Sausage King of Chicago despite boasting of such an identity.

Voting is a special privilege limited to adult citizens without felony convictions who have registered or just claim they’re all that.  I am who I say I am. Call me Gary.  My vote counts as much as yours, which is really a shame if I’m not actually a real human boy.  Daring to verify with a driver’s license is unconscionably oppressive, as liberals explain why minorities can’t acquire identification.  Fight racism through patronization.

Justice is about trusting accusations because of the gender of who’s making them.  Meanwhile, anyone who disagrees is sexist.  It’s just like a brutish man to ensure that everyone involved is heeding reality.  Me Too is great as long as we too are checking to ensure the accused aren’t actually becoming the initial real victims.  Since that’s now hateful, the whole part about presumed innocence is kind of obsolete.

Claiming it’s offensive to ensure that the injured party is itself exactly that.  Of course we don’t want to subject someone violated to rigorous questioning.  But anyone outraged about looking into a horrid story didn’t really get the point of To Kill a Mockingbird. Judging cases on individual merit is somehow a crime against women.  It’s not an insult to victims to ask questions and seek evidence in order to check.  Oh, right: the accused can make cases.  They might not even have done it, if I can apologize for being a misogynist.

It’s easier to presume that accuracy is innate to any question for a reason.  Life features countless challenges to truth, yet people who find it rude to count your change will believe anything claimed by a newspaper known for partisan advocacy.  Which paper?  All of them.

We should verify everything just for the sake of exposing an industry.  Everyone’s a journalist, which irks those who chose to do it for a living.  Amateurs just want to ensure that the truth is as claimed.  Nobody’s feeling should be bruised by checking.  Presuming everyone on Craigslist is being who they say they are is sure to spread secure bliss.

The reluctance to corroborate is linked to a political philosophy based on anecdotes that may not even be true.  What is, say, single-payer insurance other than the notion that removing profit motive and price tags will lower costs?  Democrats don’t want to ensure facts match up for a reason, as it’s a pain to change party registration.  Just claim you did and see if anyone calls your bluff.

Liberals aren’t about to stick to standards beginning now.  They only think government is a hideous oppressor if someone they loathe won.  I wish they’d be as suspicious of authority no matter which side’s obnoxious carnival barker won the highest office.  If Trump makes self-appointed hall monitors care about federal overreach, he’ll finally have done something conservative.  Like ticking off the right people by being impossibly obnoxious, we’ll take his inadvertent wins.

What’s Left Is All Left

You no longer get to choose between freedom and autocracy, although the patron saint of irony already finds it amusing that both options don’t involve the former.  Instead, modern advanced Americans align themselves between the forces of meddling.  The illusion of free will is a nice consolation prize.

Enjoy the best of luck seeking balance when everyone’s left.  To be fair, one side is slightly more eager to pass out American flags as it gobbles up your check and decisions.  Wait: that’s worse.

There’s not as much comfort in losing what was ours after we voted for confiscation. The urge to dominate fellow humans for everyone else’s good unites two parties that despise each other in frightening agreement.  Counting on government to muck up life should be the only area of consensus.  Instead, everyone thinks getting shoved around is swell despite every moment of history.

You know things are going too well when freaking socialism becomes popular.  Society’s expected ingrates are quick to turn their backs on open commerce.  Ingratitude is a natural reaction to having so much free time thanks to prosperity.  Cushiness is the very thing that enables our whinier fellow citizens to think that life is dumb and mean.

The open Democratic hostility to free markets is refreshing in its way, although it remains the most annoying thing since Elizabeth Warren.  Still, it’s disturbing to have outright pinkos accepted in a nation built on everything they oppose, and not just because of the unimaginable hypocrisy.

Voters have been handing victories to a party that abandoned its principles slightly less dramatically.  Now, that’s a choice.  Republicans are the less worse option, which is almost always the case in politics. But offering nothing more than the default option is decidedly more in vogue at present, in part thanks to a president who loves fixing your problems without you even asking.  The refusal to note that the government is as atrocious at insurance as it is at managing your retirement is in defiance of facts, but at least it’s cowardly.

Capitalism is just another word for trade.  Both sides of a transaction have to be in favor for it to occur, which is its own check on being exploited.  Now, both sides are hostile to it, namely political parties.  Dubiousness versus outright contempt is quite the choice. The limited option in the booth leads to reduced ones outside of the polling place.  Voting to reduce the liberty to exchange money for items is really getting the point.

Choosing the form of taxation to destroy us doesn’t make going broke more comforting.  Tariffs are just the latest trendy style keeping us from spending what we’ve earned. Higher prices are one way of avoiding writing a massive check to mail in with your tax forms.  Does the concealment make getting ripped off feel better?  Well, income withholding makes people comfortable with getting jobbed, so give another invisible levy a try.

You’ve got some nerve thinking a federal agency should be deprived of its fair share.  It does most of your work, anyway.  Parties loathe the individualistic mentality that the money you earn is somehow yours. Where did you get that counterproductive notion, comrade?  We’re going to talk to proper regulators about reducing your exposure to this subversive Twitter and talk radio.

It’s not that the Treasury takes out a lot: it’s that they generously allow you to selfishly retain some of the collective’s currency.  You could volunteer to send the rest to Washington to aid the collective, but you audaciously keep it to spend on decadent items such as housing and your family.

We are able to sort this out ourselves.  Well, we were.  A nation that once prided itself on rugged independence begs to have its markets molested.  Please tread on me.  The widespread desire to have a universal entity supervise transactions isn’t as comforting as imagined.  It’s deflating to expect security in vigorous governance, but the alternative of making decisions is apparently too much to bear.

Getting bossed around no matter who wins is how we seal our fate.  Modern voters don’t even need to think it out: it’s just a matter of who we’d like to spend our earnings on our behalves.  The ensuing slap fights are so vicious precisely because the stakes are so low.

Active federal planning is presented as patriotic in the worst insult of all.  This country’s whole point is the government sucks.  America thrives despite giving politicians authority, not because of it. Pretending that being told what to do is what makes our country swell is just an extra insult.  We used to be hassled despite our best efforts; now, the hard time is an inherent feature.  It’s a nice final insult to autonomy.  The parties agree on that.

Voted Out

The best part of a republic is getting to choose which egotistical doltish jackasses decide what’s best for us.  Imagine living in some autocratic hellhole where things suck without consent, and realize you’d actually feel a little better.  Try to console yourself by backing the least worse choice, but even that’s not presently an option.  The two scumbag factions are even more annoying than usual. Back either the Trumpian cult or rude socialists to make a difference.  I didn’t say it was a good one.

The party lost its mind.  I forget which one I mean.  At least half of them are marginally disappointing in theory.  The side that supposedly opposes federal overreach worships an executive who thinks his muscular wielding of power will cure our poverty and bashfulness. Meanwhile, the more openly liberal gang calmly seeks to banish anyone who dares think humans are divided into two genders. Screaming at diners who disagree is righteous if recipients are monsters.  Also, everyone who disagrees with your clearly amazing and enlightened views is monstrous, which makes targeting easy.

We finally have bipartisan agreement.  Well, this sucks.  Neither side even pretends to be interested in shrinking government.  Each differentiates from each other by claiming only they know how to run our lives.  Libertarians seem melancholy for a reason.  Those who’ve noticed government is to life as Bud Light ads are to creativity feel even more removed from it than usual.  Hating power haunts them when they try to win influence.  Nobody runs for office thinking same office should have as little influence as possible.  You’d think people would want to win an easy job.

Please stop helping.  Deep conservative philosopher Donald Trump assures us that everyone is in favorite of entrusting our stupid government with caring for the most vulnerable, which is sadistic even by 2018 standards.  The liberal position is taken by the Republican president, which I suppose is one way to disarm foes.  I guess Democrats go with letting Canada run our insurance.  Forget markets or charities, as they’ll be banned by unanimous congressional votes next session.

It’s tough to flip off establishment Republicans who always acquiesced while doing what liberals want.  That is, it should be.  Trump boasts as he exposes government to gamma rays that make it grow at a frightening pace.  The outsider brought the two parties closer together, so take that, swamp.  Trump would be fuming about the nefarious establishment if, say, President Jeb Bush capitulated this frequently on policy.  Fox & Friends would still host the kvetching, but it wouldn’t affect American history.

Trump abides by his principles, namely having none.  Not believing anything maximizes flexibility in its way.  Of course, it’d be easier to go with the flow if he didn’t believe one central tenet, namely that he’s awesome while anyone who disagrees is pond scum burning on the River Styx.  It’s uncanny how his answers all involve him ordering the world to obey.  This is unlike Barack Obama’s style because it’s in front of an American flag instead of the UN one.  A guy who’s spent his life chasing after whatever’s popular embodies small-government integrity, obviously.

Mutually contemptible factions despise each other precisely because the difference is so slight.  Nothing provokes unpleasant slap fights more than participants being reminded of each other.  Ceaseless bickering helps them avoid facing the reality of sharing similar frightening goals.  The handshake agreement to pretend to bicker will continue no matter how the votes go.

It’s important to continue shrieking in order to maintain kayfabe.  The WWE Hall of Fame president may not know who Thomas Sowell is.  But he is aware that whoever disagrees is the villain, and who is more important to hate than someone who thinks Iran is number one?

An oft-liberal shyster of a braggart is the only thing protecting us from Democrats.  The rage is too pure to verify that this makes sense.  Trump doesn’t know what works, but he does know that he caused it.  Acting like any gains are his accomplishment is how he embodies our warm and cozy times.

Trump’s superpower of making his foes act like even bigger lunatics is the only thing keeping this asylum from greater deviations.  Even then,  this deal with Darth Vader contains more asterisks than a Dave Attell joke printed in Parade Magazine.

The greatest error in an era packed with them is presuming anyone opposing seething dolts is wise.  Did you know both brawl participants can suck?  The a Proud Boys versus Antifa LARP fight is one where the only side worth cheering for is carnage.

Please enjoy this regular encouragement to not vote.  Don’t bluff knowledge, as true heroes admit not paying attention.  Ignorance of governmental mechanics is actually a reflection of living the liberated way. Anyone who admits to being uninformed and gets a blended coffee beverage instead of patronizing the neighborhood polling place is republic’s best friend.  Elections only encourage those who win to feel popular.  Government would be properly limited if the winners only did so by like seven to four.  The choice is clear with these regrettable choices.

Global Mall

America is building a virtual wall while the Mexican one is still pending. You’ll either use your imagination or pout.  Those fixated on symbols will continue to feel frustrated at how life doesn’t provide simple visual cues.  Will you accept tariffs crushing the economy as a consolation prize?

Competing globally is uncomfortable to purported business titans such as the president of the United States.  Never has the free market been more applicable, and we have just the wrong guy to make a pitch.

Panicked frenzy is the only sensible response to feeling obsolete.  Learning a new skill sounds hard, and who wants to change when you’re already awesome?  Take politicians trying even harder than usual to clamp down on the right to buy stuff. One unintended benefit of worldwide commerce is how it makes the regular suspects uncomfortable, including the president who’s supposedly subverting everything. If we’re so much better than other nations, then we shouldn’t fear getting to buy their junk.

A guy with an ’80s design sense wants to bring us back to the ’30s. European supermodels now off-limits, all Donald Trump lusts after is preservation of a dying business approach.  It’s curious, as I heard he was an unconventional firebrand here to subvert the system.  But he tries to keep things the way they were, including conditions that rightfully and blessedly haven’t existed for decades.  Walt Disney wasn’t nearly as obsessed with bringing back olden times.

Preserving jobs by interdicting on trade is going to lead to surprises, and who doesn’t like a little variety? Subsidizing industries deemed worthy of special treatment is the chief task of someone who’s supposed to be focused on using the Army to hunt terrorists. Propping up steel mills leads to weakness that buyers of the product wouldn’t tolerate.  Don’t let the fact it hasn’t worked keep you from proclaiming it will work.  Remember to call anyone who notices patterns a hateful dumb loser.

Buyers and sellers interacting at will should make us thank magic invisible information transmission machines.  Note who’s so frightened of Uber that they feel the need to limit getting around while taxing those lucky enough to find an available car. People ask for rides from those offering it at a price both agree is fair.  Moving around enables everything we need and enjoy, and some are threatened by the notion.  If you think crowded streets are a problem, wait until you see what happens when they’re deserted.

Nothing’s more frightening than freedom.  Yes, even spiders.  The one part of life that should make everyone feel uninhibited joy is instead cause for shivering concern.  A continually evolving economy scares the right people.  Unfortunately, same people are good at winning elections only to protect their precious feelings from the terror of getting to make decisions.  They’re effective at keeping others from being the same. Leadership isn’t necessarily a virtue.

Just because the last century’s over doesn’t mean we should lose its jobs. Mandatory nostalgia is bringing back the glory days of obsolescence and poverty.  Those who think there’s no greater aspiration than doing a robot’s job on an assembly line are deeply concerned with what you’ll do after graduation.  We have machines and Vietnamese to assemble our simplest products, but that shouldn’t stop you from a career in repetitive motion.

Trying to preserve the factory actually makes it harder to compete.  Keep the opera hat company in business, as you wouldn’t want those jobless people loitering in the town square during daylight hours.  Don’t fear finding work somewhere else that perhaps manufactures something with a marketplace that’ll exist five minutes into the future.

You can tell you’re working with a thriving industry if they demand subsidies.  The inability to profit by offering customers something they want shouldn’t be an impediment to staying open.  Look for an investment so good that people wont make it voluntarily.  The snotty contempt for Americans who funded schemes that no sensible money manager would approach also plagued the Obama years.  This is not what we mean by bipartisan consensus.

Perhaps it’s time to stop fretting about the paper clip factory shutting its doors.  The nearby village will have to adapt to machines bending wires.  Besides, there are savings in store.  Getting cheap stuff from some hellhole is our right as humans and Americans.  Sending currency in exchange might even help them enter the 21st century one of these days.  Even better, getting those from backward tinpot outposts accustomed to trade will create the proper mentality, which is the best thing that gets traded.

You don’t have to fret about them offering competition unless you’d like to define yourself by insecurity.  Compensate by insulting anyone who doesn’t display enough fealty toward you while slapping your name on walls in gold.  It’s not an endorsement of lunatic conspiracies about globalism to buy what we want from inferior non-American places.  In fact, we should be proud to rip them off.  Instead, erect barriers to make us pay more.  That’ll show those other countries.


America will feel better once we’re back to hating the president.  I don’t care who it is.  We’ll be truly great again just like the hats read from those whose slavish devotion keeps it from happening.

Let’s unite so it’s not merely half the country despising who’s in office because they think the other half prays incorrectly.  You’re supposed to instead back the executive who preys properly.  Don’t mock the backwardness of the Crusades era while fighting over which party’s figureheads deserve adulation.

Celebrity cult presidencies are a dangerous fad that has lasted longer than calling a hot dog a sandwich.  It’s important to grow out of drawing hearts around the photo of an adult, so here’s hoping both parties have gotten their crushes out of the way.  Now, let’s reset so we’re back to thinking that the president is a very human jerk who does everything wrong.  You pay his salary, so scold to get your money’s worth.

I dream of a world where the public isn’t going to admire a president who conducts himself like a teen idol.  There’s one party now even if it has two factions who want to stab each other.  Mostly, the enmity stems from how close they are.  Colin Firth will play the love interest.

Anyone who wanted the parties to have common ground should watch how they phrase wishes.  Both unpleasant groupings involve unwieldy government supposedly warped to our benefit by a dashing quasi-king.  Elected regents proclaim they can fix it, mostly by being charming and spending our money in a way we never would have thought was wise.  The announcements emanate no matter the problem and despite their demonstrated meager talents for anything but hustling support.

Tattoo your allegiance to a human.  Please take your discrimination against worshipping a man in a White House elsewhere.  What are you: an anti-religious bigot?  It’s hard to separate church and state when state is your church.  The only thing worse than putting faith in election winners is putting faith in these particular election winners.  Government’s sweet as long as your dreamboat is in charge.

The principle of loathing interventions should remain constant.  Now there’s a way to encourage a divided nation to come together.  Any business idea started in Washington is always a scummy waste of confiscated resources, so don’t let those pyramid scheme goons drag you in as an investor.

There’s nothing more disheartening than victims being proud about it. Getting seduced by a conman is not something about which to boast, much less affix a bumper sticker to your car.  Everyone behind you in traffic can tell that you’ll fall for anything.  Did you buy sealant, too, you poor sucker? Listening for prophecies is unhealthy whether he’s boasting that you’re awesome for admiring him or that you’re lucky to have him.

It’s the understatement of our time to note president is a job for someone with an ego.  That’s especially so in our age where we expect him to order bliss into existence.  All it takes is federal action, according to people who don’t realize why they remain sad.  We could not elect someone who acts like he can heal us with touch.  But our world is all about promises.  They make us feel good, unlike crabby jerks who claim we’re running out of money buying nothing.

I would like a president who doesn’t even know we exist.  The person might be familiar with vague rumors about the existence of fellow Americans.  But it’s going to feel like a vacation to have a leader who is indifferent to our presence.  Someday, a grownup will limit the jurisdiction to debt reduction while threatening to blow up anyone who attempts to do so to us.  A president should know we prefer the job-filler to be a bit lazy.

It’ll be a blessing to not have our lives run, especially not this clumsily.  So much comfort comes from awful things that don’t happen. You need meddlesome times like now to realize it, so be thankful life is so exhaustingly oppressive under yet another president who thinks you need direct supervision.

Americans will actually feel much more loved with an executive who isn’t aware of our every move.  It’s not to be a partisan hack, but the savior from saviors probably won’t be a Democrat, what with the commitment to thinking government can cure poverty and herpes.  The mutual desire to make the president famous unites rival gangs.  An obscure leader would save us a fortune.  The celebrity pitchman costs us way more than the commercial fee.