Today’s plot twists aren’t as amusing as they appear on the page. Life is a Law & Order episode where the allegedly surprising change in suspect is more predictable than keeping the first scumbag as the perp. Trying to tell who’s who is unpleasant when everyone deserves our contempt. Let’s call all parties guilty to keep things easy.
Everyone’s insane. Sure, it’s been true at every point in the history of our demented species on this godforsaken space rock. But we’ve never been worse at concealing it before. I blame a cranky president who spurs the same reaction from both sides. Also, each side is confused about what they’re supposed to loathe. We’re getting along starting… now.
Contrarianism can lead to smugness if not treated. Take how often ostensibly conservative Donald Trump foes side with Democrats as they condemn him for same. It’s hard to claim they’re about integrity while hoping that the incumbent could be as bipartisan as, say, Michelle Obama.
Doing whatever he doesn’t seems mature, so keep showing that dang Trump by deciding that everything he thinks is wrong. He has on occasion expressed vaguely worthwhile notions such as contempt for global enemies of freedom, even if uncouthly.
But the opposite’s just as bad. It’s very zen. Watch for whiplash from nodding along as a Republican explains why federal control is good for you. Why vote if you want to think things out? Party tattoos are as convenient for inspiring clear minds as taxpayer-funded subsidies.
Why is being suckered is such a popular hobby? That’s the only remaining question. The president’s purportedly conservative fans either never believed the messages recited after feeding them through their Mark Levin Decoder Rings or just dreamed of being dominated by the side they supported all along. At least it’s clear what partisan factions think of as important. It’s not principles, unless changing them depending on the label counts.
It’s tough to remember if the government messing with the economy is cool now. Both sides are defending liberal goofiness like it’s intrinsic to their brands. At least liberals reflexively opposing Trump amuse us by allying themselves with strange new partners. Watching Obama stooges condemn tariffs like they’re Ayn Rand heroes is one of the few amusing things about our time.
Well, that’s one way to get liberals to care about free commerce. All it took was an ex-Democrat pretending to be a Republican out of convenience. Don’t tell them that he basically stole their ideas. Trump may be a statist who’s commandeered a party that used to at least feign respect for autonomy. But the crude patriotic sheen sure is comforting.
It’s not that they were worth taking. Trump offers an unpleasantly eclectic mix of nostalgia for the worst economic ideas of past decades. The criminally pointless tariffs of the 1930s paired with the irrational suspicion of Asia that plagued the 1980s are bad enough. Add the fatuous insistence on federal bribery that didn’t drive the economy during the previous 10 years, and you end up with a president whose sense of design is so tacky that he thinks black glass is cool.
You can’t condemn a silly idea until you find out who proposed it. Maybe you enjoy tracking who is in the tank for whom. I’ve been done with it since the preseason. The severe fighting over the most trivial differences is as tiresome as being told what to do by the messianic lunkhead who should feel mortified to have gotten your vote.
It’s a shame we can’t just thank both sides for spending what’s yours. Telling apart two clumsily monolithic parties is like trying to distinguish between the half-white, half-black Star Trek races, and only nerds really care.
Which party is right for you? Stay in tonight. The process is actually easy to discard once you stop caring. Just remember that attempting to distinguish them is pointless. Isn’t that a relief? There’s not one side trusting you to monitor your own finances, so at least it’s easy to despise both factions.
An idea’s validity changes based on who won the election. The dictionary people say we call it Hannitizing. Shameless partisanship wouldn’t be so deflating if both sides were trying to claim worthwhile ideas. But dedicated zombies aren’t noting, say, Social Security is neither. Instead, the most pointless argument possible revolves around which side gets credit for bossing us around. It’s unsurprising that people so dedicated to not thinking things out pimp such crummy ideas.