Deep Recline

Sitting in a cushy recliner with nothing to do but plow through Netflix leaves plenty of time to ponder misery. Too much comfort is actually possible. We’re living the soft nightmare, as numerous Americans with everything going for them have decided nothing’s right. In fact, the plushness enables minds to wander to anger about trifling matters. Curse you, cushions.

Modern humans are not about to get out of the recliner as long as the magic glow screen is in reach. Use an amazing device that embodies achievement by its ability to access all of human knowledge to complain about the oppression of pronouns. Who can enjoy life while so many cops are planting evidence like The Shield’s still on the air?

Our species has conquered many major issues, which is why it vents about annoyances which the average serf wouldn’t comprehend. So many major fears have been addressed by ingenuity. One unfortunate result has been enabling fear of trifling inconveniences. Whining about how awful our posh lives are is the surest way to experience fullness. The present should be time for gratitude. Instead, humans who want for nothing bitch about everything. Nobody in a World War I trench thought to be offended by microaggressions.

The lack of genuine agony is reflected in professional whining from amateur humans. Those who are so useless that they must run for office in order to stave off starvation lead the charge. Stop thinking you’re happy and let a politician buy your loyalty with someone else’s involuntary contribution.

Be wary of excessive exposure to presidential candidates explaining why life is patently unfair in a country they want to lead for some reason, as such effete grandstanders are more toxic than Chernobyl. Proclaim that America is oppressive for making erstwhile students pay back student loans if you’re looking for primary traction.

Seeking problems is a sure sign they’re prominent. Deep students only have 15 hours per week in class even without skips, so they have plenty of free moments to solve issues they invent for others. Use time loafing on campus to decide accurate descriptions are offensive enough to be banned. Hearing Ben Shapiro speak is the most devastating crime imaginable. Notions of right and wrong are so offensive that they should be banned. Once the noxious ideas can no longer be spoken, we’ll finally have tolerance.

The best way to sum up 2019 is by noting freaking socialism has traction. That’s government ownership of the means of production, a definition unproductive self-proclaimed socialists fail to know. I’m shocked they’re ignorant.

Lightweight fascists think their cool new fad means helping others instead of selfishly keeping what you earned are going to be disappointed by wifi in gulags. There will be many years to miss the present system if anyone actually starts believing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Most of last century was devastated by idiots who can’t function seeking to control others. Why learn and take the surprise out of life?

Some people rent dwellings instead of owning them if you’re looking for human rights violations. Have we tried throwing more money? An exactly backward approach to fixing a non-problem works as well as expected. Those who think there’s a good way to increase home ownership other than with a better economy are bound to increase subsidies that caused the initial problem. More napalm should extinguish this blaze.

Next, increase wages and allow more people to buy insurance. Just kidding: make everything free! It’s cheaper, silly. Treating problems as a moral crisis to be alleviated by law inevitably exacerbates them, but at least it’ll create more woes about which to preen.

Looking for slights creates actual grave problems. The casual rejection of ideas that have been deemed hurtful makes people afraid to express common thoughts. Don’t you dare call America’s most notorious traitor his birth name instead of Chelsea.

Hate speech is defined as anyone who disagrees with you. You’re in luck if you get to be in charge of who’s punished for uttering ideas you find distasteful. Thinking a man who calls himself a woman remains a man is hazardous to your Twitter account. Feelings are hurt by noting biology.

Sure, nobody’s starving, but remember how a handful of frustrated nerds on social media thought Captain Marvel would be bad? A female superhero movie can’t be considered on its own terms. Movie heroes resembling superficial characteristics of unfashionable groups is our time’s greatest challenge. Taking interpretation of fictional characters as a personal affront is a sure sign real life is agonizing. We have the collective expected maturity expected from a culture defined by comic book characters.

Those cheering for a return to the Warsaw Pact’s preferred finances and tolerance should be fearing their own success. But it’s tough to maintain self-awareness when purposeless lives are dedicated to silly causes. Full-time ingrates rail against the very system that enables ample free time. Ironically, they call to return to the rampant statism that has doomed humanity every time it’s been tried. They’ll know true pain if they get what they demand. At least ironically rueful memories will offer some comfort.

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On Your Own Screen

You don’t like what I do because your taste is awful. But that’s almost okay, as we get to choose from a million different options on separate tablets. Maybe try what I recommend so your choice doesn’t suck so much. Still, even criminally poor selections are not dictated anymore. Decentralization is good for more than our stupid putzing government. Living presently in the future means we get to do what we please, including ice cream for dinner. Your decisions are yours, so have as much calcium as your bones need.

Did you watch that show nobody else has heard of on the app for which you have no subscription? TV polarization means smaller audiences, which puts broadcasts at our mercy. It’s nice to program as we please. And we’re into it. Fandoms are more intense as outlets find the right people instead of making something dumb enough to sort-of be liked by many.

With endless options, those in the entertainment field don’t have to feature broad appeal. It may sound fragmented. But producers work to find the particular fans who like exactly that thing. Television now caters to you, which is how we commoners ended up with more options than the typical king had in 1987.

Watch another episode instead of being lectured by a snot in your area code. There’s nothing better about our modern technoworld than getting to skip local newspapers. The explosion of options means honesty about bias. Sites with personal touches allow proprietors to freely admit partisanship. Honesty results from not trying to sell something. The best commenters refuse to tailor to an audience: doing what they like and hoping others feel the same encourages unparalleled honesty.

It’s a relief to have nobody telling you what’s happening. Getting news from who you choose may seem daunting. But setting up your own feed beats letting a condescending twerp who was dumb enough to major in journalism decide what you need to hear. Self-appointed guardians of information are rightfully and pleasantly scared. They could see if the buggy whip factory is hiring.

Even new arrogant goons have lost ground and currency. Vox demands you return and heed their explanations despite their unsuccessful attempt to wrangle the truth. I blame lack of upper body strength and idiots believing they know everything.

Figuring out who’s lying is worlds better than professional liars telling us what’s truthful. Yes, it’s easy for shady stories to creep in when curating news from weirdo classmates on Facebook, which allows marginal relationships from decades ago to continue perpetually. But it beats Dan Rather assuring a huge part of the nation that the garbage he’s peddling is objective truth. Mocking his oblivious tweets is one of the few things left uniting us.

People can exercise their own editorial discretion. It doesn’t even take a diploma. Nothing frightens media professionals like seeing those outside the field realize how easy the job is. Newspapers are going obsolete not because of these darn kids and their AOL Buddy Lists but rather because their pompous monopoly has cracked. Would you like to buy a subscription? Please, so reporters don’t have to peddle plasma?

We’re residing in the future we dreamed of if this amazing life snuck up so subtly that you didn’t notice. As a kid, nothing seemed cooler than a television watch. But it’s actually your cordless phone that lets you see whatever you want whenever. Watches are mostly used to check transmission fluid and order wings.

But what about the futuristic lifestyle the Jetsons promised? Life’s plenty cartoonish. We got enough amazing advancements to be grateful while not needing some of the others. People don’t need flying cars: goods fly to us with a click. Meanwhile, we can communicate with anyone via glowing screen without having to deal with them in the same room. Serve your own coffee. It just takes a button press.

A virtual society may seem cold and impersonal. There are other benefits, as well. Having all our interactions occur through the ether beats having to constantly entertain others in the same room. Also, we’re far less likely to get the flu. Just remember you’re dealing with fellow humans through screens if life ever feels impersonal. You should still feel free to block their sorry asses if they don’t extend the same respect.

Going off on our own is what liberty is all about. Informational autonomy scares politicians who crave central control. Condemning fragmentation like it’s a bad thing is for those who think individuals need to be stuck together. Keep everyone in high school indefinitely pursuing the identical course of dull study.

Enjoying particular things is way more fun than being united while watching junk. We can exercise individual preferences instead of having to settle for Who’s the Boss? because it’s that or two other options. Go find what you like. Please come back and read my next column.

Big Jerk, Bigger Country

The country is bigger than the president. The last two pompous dopes to hold the job prove it. I should apologize for insolently suggesting that election results are not determined by divine right. Yet I’m skeptical enough to think the person who makes it to the top in Washington is not only no better than the rest but also a phony suck-up. If you seek confirmation, check who’s won.

Those we let be in charge tend to be as crummy as the average human with the additional charming aspect of messianic arrogance. Take the present and previous presidents, who have more in common than they’d care to admit. Each has accomplished much if getting factions to blindly follow counts, which it does not. At least one of the two is not the savior by definition, so we better worship neither to be safe.

It’s hard to sign bills while running a cult. Both the current executive and his predecessor combine to spend more time in charge of their fan clubs than the government. I blame democracy. It’s our fault leaders suck, and that’s no fun. The devotion to severely flawed politicians is a worse reflection on the zealous zombies than their leaders, although the heads are as diseased. Whatever the guy I voted for does is right, according to those who are really into representative democracy. Pouting leaders must be thriving at consensus if they expect wholesale allegiance.

Decreeing by whim is a true sign of loving America. The rules are all written down, you know. The most prominent elected official ought to at least skim the document. Strolling to the Archives would be a good way to get fresh air after a stressful day. A true leader would reduce his burden by discovering he’s not supposed to be doing this much work. Tap on the nuclear suitcase whenever in a room with foreign leaders to remind them who’s not to be messed with, and let the economy purr on its own.

But presidents who think they can will prosperity into existence set poor examples. Look how much both Barack Obama and Donald Trump have made off crummy books to see why they misunderstand how wealth is created. I blame anyone who bought a horrendous copy by either for enabling. Did you not know there are other tomes available? Including ones that don’t have presidential titles like Think Big and Kick Ass?

Happiness needs to be commanded into existence. Executive orders are for wannabe strongmen who can’t get the legislature to agree. If recent presidents were as charismatic as they believed, they should be able to attract congressional votes.

Two men whose respective egos are wrapped up in claims they can get puny humans to bend to their wills sure get frustrated easily. Different methods don’t conceal identical strategies. One used ingratiating charm with the other relying on slimy browbeating, but both view themselves as rulers elected by fate to save us riffraff.

It might be more convincing if they had better ideas. Both Obama and the followup act see government as the solution to the problem of life. Trump has retained much of what was installed by the pushy guy who last held the job, which is part of his effective fearless outsider shtick. We’re still going to be sunk by Social Security if you were looking forward to enjoying retirement.

Things are still fine. Sort of. I mean, we’d be evicted if we had the government’s credit rating, and the same spendthrift putzes extend control over lives they think they’re qualified to run, namely everyone else’s. But a secret sect of underground Americans are still ticked off about being hassled.

The fact we’re not defined by who was voted to the most obnoxious office is a blessing. Some ingrates stubbornly refuse to treat it as such. Properly loathing the president would require admitting politics shouldn’t dominate our lives, which would be an intolerable admission for a disturbingly large percentage of our fellow citizens.

Quit acting like we’re being bossed around by a royal no matter the party. Ending a childish argument would be a good start. Noting Trump is “Your president” is a classy taunt reflective of the times. Sure, those who deny the claim are as petulant as Spike Lee after not winning an Oscar. But the opposite is also untrue in a sign that contemporary binary thinking leads to two rotten choices.

Those proud to claim any president as their own personal governmental savior are truly a credit to independence. Stop seeing the executive as the person in charge of your life or the country. The bumbling jerk occupying the chair is the head of state in a deliberately divided government. Conflating said government with the country presumes America’s power lies with what we’re told to do. The genuflection toward coercion is a particularly noxious belief for those who claim to be opposed to federal overreach. Silly orders don’t become okay if you voted for the person issuing them.

Not Working for a Living

What’s work worth? A paycheck should resolve the discussion, so that was easy. But of course nothing can just stand on its own, as government’s purpose is to make life sufficiently complicated. It was foolish to think we’d avoid hitches.

Take how employers are obligated to offer an ever-expanding list of additional payments for the crime of providing jobs. As with every other bit of ingratitude, expecting others to fund your dreams is a central tenet of collectivism. Nothing else leftists believe about pooling all our money works, so why would the jobs they avoid?

Rigorous observers of human behavior see fantastic guarantees as a way to take strife out of existence. They may as well make Netflix binging a career. Pay a hundred bucks an hour so everyone’s rich. It doesn’t seem like much will actually get done, but we’ll be living it up too much to care.

Work is nothing more than an exchange. Bosses can’t rip you off if you’re accepting the offer. A purported living wage is just a way of setting demands too high. It’s hard to live when the wage is zero. Never pondering employment’s purpose is just part of lacking foresight. Hiring managers don’t care for that. Explaining just why you should be able to make a living as a trainee is as tricky as trying to make a profit. If a low starting wage sounds cruel, imagine never getting one at all.

Man, these workers are getting expensive. Paying someone to complete tasks costs more than having a kid, which is news to those demanding mandated child care. Legal demands are made by those who believe we have a right to be taken care of during from the probationary period forward. Remember to look shocked when employers employ few.

You could buy health care with the money you earn. But spending your own money seems pricey. It’s best to demand continued inclusion with benefits. People who hate corporate goons expect them to provide insurance. It’s definitely wise to put well-being in the hands of exploitative employers who can fire you like the selfish monsters they are. The only thing wiser would be letting a government that loves each and every one of us nurture us back to well-being.

Bossing around bosses makes it harder to get these things. Employers forced to disperse small fortunes will hire fewer individuals. They’re tricky about sticking to budgets. The workers who remain will surely be grateful about having to do the work of others. Well, that’s part of being paid more.

You just know selfish Wendy’s franchise owners are sitting on unimaginable wealth piles while gulping Frosty concentrate. Stacks of bills and sacks of gold coins seem uncomfortable, but it’s more about the principle. Cash furniture is a signal of how unfair our world is. Those interested in cosmic justice must continue acting as if it’s our job to fairly redistribute money assigned arbitrarily. It’s certainly not our job to work. There are fat cats profiting just by owning corporations, and they must be punished for sweating less.

Corporate titans don’t owe us anything. We don’t owe them anything in return if that feels like revenge. The diabolical concerns who offer us products also keep our bills paid. Sure, they get richer. But so do you, even if it’s only relative. Invent your own wondrous product if you find compensation insufficient.

Jobs are a byproduct of creating value. That apparently needs to be in the description. Pretending they exist and of themselves to fund life’s costs is a favorite hobby of the useless. They get creative with all that free time.

Having a way to make money results from doing something others want to buy. The job doesn’t exist to to provide child care. It’s fine if you work for an outpost that offers playpens for rugrats while you toil. But demanding someone who dares employ you watches progeny is the sort of bratty behavior that a child care professional would not tolerate from a whippersnapper.

Wages reflect how much the recipient gets done just like how prices are determined by whatever someone will cough up for a thing. Pay is the lowest amount that someone will offer and the highest someone looking to have money can get. It’s almost like economics are consistent. Those who refuse to notice patterns are the same in their way.

Acting as if workers are owed jobs is the surest way to make them scarce. Managers are already deep into payroll budgets by taking risks on hires who may be putzes or slackers. Predicting the future is tricky. The only exception is making work expensive, which is guaranteed to turn factories into ghost towns.

Like everything else entirely moderate modern Democrats believe, their view of work revolves around presuming desires are rights. Adding conditions to bringing aboard new people in the break room is a step away from being guaranteed employment, which would make all these problems disappear just like has happened every time governments anywhere globally have ordered poverty to cease. Some people are so inept at doing something worth getting paid for that they think everyone else is the same. To survive, they run for office.

Press, Push, Pull

The truth is out there. Probably. We haven’t narrowed down the location. But scientists are triangulating as we speak. Those who don’t understand research demand answers. A mean press is useful in its useless way. Casting conservatives as soul-eating ghouls who use plastic straws helps in a way demonizers fail to realize. Of course, those foolish enough to major in journalism don’t intend for their relentless criticism of foes to aid their enemy gang. But being inadvertently helpful is the top goal to which our media could ever aspire. Aim low to avoid feel disappointed.

As Harry Reid will tell you, resistance builds strength. Having to fight back against fiends who won’t let you articulate just why you feel a government with no profit incentive or fear of losing their own investment sucks at commerce is good practice for the free market. You better come up with good reactions.

Dealing with media jerks creates toughness like growing up in the Bronx, and not in the phony cushy arrogantly ignorant Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez way, either. The notion that pain will increase toughness is not incentive to move to a borough where children will be toughened up like sides of meat. But rolling kids in bubble wrap is just going to make them soft. Democrats end up allergic to peanuts after never being exposed to them.

By comparison, Republicans have to learn how to cope with various diseases that want to infect them. Those who face both another party and a media hostile to their beliefs are forced to explain what they believe. The need to constantly be on the defensive isn’t fun by design. It’s beyond aggravating that the basics aren’t made clear by those whose only job is to explain what others believe. Still, conservatism revolves around noticing that life requires adjusting to circumstances.

How else will you answer? I guess you’ll have to explain the reasoning behind what you think again. You should be thankful for the chance. Being called on everything means it’s necessary to think out positions. That’s why grilled conservatives don’t do anything like suggest confiscating income to fund awful new entitlements. All those who disagree are selfish Hitlers. Soft liberals failing to grasp the existence of legitimate opposition to what they claim are the only thing more annoying than their beliefs. I know it’s tough to think a sliver of humans might actually not want to be punished for raises.

“Liberal journalist” is redundant. Partisanship is just the start of their ineptness. They never learned to report, much less code. Partisans employed by media outlets refuse to challenge their congressional counterparts, which leads to stammering when presented with evidence. With the way their intellectual brethren in newsrooms fawn over them, it’s no wonder professional Democrats concluded the only way to create efficiency is by eliminating competition. The government is the best at everything, and also welcome to Earth.

You’d think media pals would help the frenzied rights-grabbers for whom they vote. It’d help even as a calculation. But they’re lousy at math, too. They could at least pretend to be unbiased at the same time by critiquing those with whom they agree. Tim Russert was a Democrat who knew he had better be at least as hard on the side for whom he worked as he was on those he opposed. Contemporary journalists can’t even calculate the value of faking toughness.

Go ahead and let your side get soft. Tell a child he’s a wonderful special angel to ensure he’ll endure purple nurples for a decade. Constantly avoiding exercise sounds like a treat until muscle tone never develops. The perils of self-esteem grooming are at their most apparent, especially for a party dedicated to treating people like children.

The continually-fair coddling stands in stark contrast to how self-identified guardians of truth view the monstrous forces of disagreement. When you’ve concluded you epitomize tolerance, each fool who disagrees must be a monster. You fail to learn that reasonable people can disagree when your ideology is presented as objective truth. The only way such distortion could get worse is if liberal claptrap flunked every class it attended. Why do you claim insurance is still expensive and crummy?

Drill instructors are only mean because they want troops to toughen up. Alternately, journalists who couldn’t finish a pushup spew hate out of contempt for sticking to the Constitution. As a result of unintended assistance, one side learns to face grilling in a hostile world. Nobody’s here to help either in the world or pressroom. It’s no wonder that conservatives believe in self-reliance when journalists won’t fairly explain policies.

You’d be ticked if anyone with a Twitter account could do your job, often with better results. The media is unable to control narratives what with these fancy pocket computers and people interested in stupid objective facts. Taking it out on the party they hate is how reporters cope. You don’t have to thank them for being so horrid at their jobs, although it would make them even more ticked.

Inherited Away

It’s hard to notice how awesome things are. Wait for life to suck if you’d like to miss what we had while ruing. A natural advantage is so unnoticeable that people enjoying it forget to express gratitude. Sweat from your grandparents only becomes apparent once the results evaporate, which is one of those twists that only Venezuelans truly grasp. Something handed to you is the easiest thing to fritter. Why appreciate what’s unearned? Trust those of us born devastatingly handsome that it takes constant effort to remember why things aren’t always easy.

Nothing is easier to squander than a cushy life that was already there. Take states that used to be respectable. New York and California are dueling to see who can frighten away more sensible residents. They’re now only an empire and golden ironically. Two progressive utopias are curiously eager to show why being granted incredible weather or concentrated industries doesn’t mean indefinite bliss. How you can have a place with eternal sunshine or Katz’s Deli and still manage to scare away companies and electoral votes, respectively? All it takes is enough redistribution to make everyone broke. States without the death penalty sure do love murderous taxes.

You owe us for what you did. One unfortunate response to tremendous wealth is to levy the stuffing out of it. Those who call keeping what you earn selfish are shocked when less is thus created. You mean people earned that money? And they stop doing so once getting ahead is treated as something to be punished?

By contrast, countries without something to sell underfoot are forced into cleverness. Israel has no oil in a particularly cruel trick of fate for God’s chosen people. But not having fuel to peddle means innovation becomes the default setting. A lack of easy money is one of those disguised blessings we don’t notice because it involves being forced to work. Dang: I think this a life lesson about building character.

Those who think rich countries lucked out by having things to sell should develop some interesting skill to sell. Oil doesn’t take effort to create unlike fun things you find on Etsy. Enabling citizens to use ingenuity out of necessity may not be a goal, but it works for the best when college acceptance letters roll out. Dubai can have its impossibly tacky malls funded by dumb fortunes pumped from the ground. Barren nations had to work on developing personality. Being surrounded by shallow cool kids who got BMWs for 16th birthdays motivates you to not be a pompous twit.

Heirs who think an inheritance is a given are always pleasant, right? When money’s only found in a pile that dwindles, you end up thinking life arbitrarily hands out rewards if you even contemplate them at all. Fish don’t notice water. Having to grab all you can of a finite amount exactly how liberals view finances, as it never occurs to them that creating more would be much more fulfilling than elbowing their way to confiscated cash.

Enjoy life in a country which makes fortune creation such a possibility that those who follow don’t appreciate. Americans were born with every benefit, which many use as an occasion to gripe. Those most eager to float turn to freaking socialism to ruin what they’re enjoying without noticing. Things are so good that people don’t even notice they’re working. There will be no thanks offered to our Founding Fathers.

Progress creates enough idle time to enable complaining. Those who should find this most amusing are the most humorless. It’s not easy to invent reasons why our nation is so crummily unjust while working in a factory 60 hours per week. Instead of marveling with delight at a combination of free markets in action and machines performing, slackers get ticked because they have countless hours to nurse the pettiest of gripes. Yes, I agree Aquaman wasn’t diverse enough.

How dare you find life pleasant! Our unenlightened fellow citizens think it’s nice not having to scrape for every opportunity. Those smirking ingrates who never think to be thankful really have it all figured out. The Hilton family incinerating the aftermath of ingenuity almost makes you want to be born poor. There’s a lesson about why having everything guaranteed leads to everyone growing up resentful. Of course, those who most need to learn it are barely literate.

Not everything can be protected by the Constitution. Humans indulging in the crummiest aspects of our nature can sabotage society in a way a veto couldn’t stop. There are no checks or balances on what adult infants find worthy of bitching. Recent generations who’ve been handed what others sweat to bring to fruition don’t stop to think about why they can float. A lack of innate shallow qualities leads to developing character. Liberals try to impoverish America so we fondly recall every blessing we never embraced. And you say they don’t love the country.

Assisting Rivals

Are Donald Trump’s worst enemies trying to make his life easy? The epitome of infuriating advantages is the last guy who needs something handed to him. But the Resistance uses fantastic miscalculation to help the person they spend every waking moment attempting to topple, along with some snooze time. Demonstrating they know nothing about human nature is a bonus throw-in. Trump’s never going to understand the free market if he only has to compete with businesses selling handfuls of dirt. They’re even worse, which doubles as his campaign slogan.

The biggest enemies helping is how Trump got to be such a titan. Histrionics don’t just make humans pleasant: it keeps them rational. Liberals are spending the term obsessed with loathing the crude brute to the point where they enable his reelection. It’s not just the utter rabidity that frightens voters, although foaming at the mouth is a sign that one may not be thinking clearly. Indulging in extreme leftism that reads like parody is as wise as it is practical.

Trump can point to idiocy. No, not his own. That other party is out to provoke voters into supporting them. It beats coming up with pleasant ideas. Can you out-shock Howard Stern? Like when his show was fun instead of the politically correct weenie fest it is now? As for another entity that now runs from fun, Democrats have embraced infanticide and economic dreams that people’s republics would consider excessively envious. Media accounts of potential 2020 candidates sound like Republicans demonizing foes when they’re merely quoting speeches.

What have I done? Well, they suck! You may have noticed Trump’s fondness for noting everyone else is the worst at everything when asked specifics about accomplishments. He knows exactly what’s wrong with your actions. Quarterbacks shouldn’t have thrown those interceptions. In some cases, the professional moaner has a semi-point about others, as present Democratic lunacy is easy to mock. After all, it’s his full-time job.

Best of all for Trump, he doesn’t have to defend anything he’s done. Instead, he merely gestures to maniacal cultists who are sad they missed living behind the Iron Curtain. All he has to do is be the second-worst option. Like having the wisdom to be Fred Trump’s son, his best decisions are made by a universe with a cruel sense of humor.

How could a cussing ape like Trump possibly luck his way into a second term? Also, the party against him thinks the best alternative is unabashed socialism. Wholly moderate dissenters liked China until it sold out. The New Great Leap Forward will be in the 2020 Democratic platform. Nothing is green like spending every moment tilling the Earth with your comrades.

It’s become a dare to support them. Democrats figure they can go crazy because so many voters will choose them over the arrogant buffoon from that dumb NBC show who you’ll recall is somehow president. But, like all statists, they misread the market. Members of the New Shining Path think nobody would possibly shop elsewhere. That sort of thinking is the tragic flaw of wanting the government to be the only seller. The only other downside is broken misery.

Deciding which take on lunacy is preferable makes politics fun. Democrats should congratulate themselves on making Trump look relatively stable. I’m almost impressed. Voters are more likely to go with the guy who was in charge while people were sort-of free to earn again. All he had to do was not be Barack Obama to get the economy to improve. Make sure to express gratitude to his predecessor for helping the incumbent.

The purported Republican calls your bluff, too. A guy who’s kept the government intimately involved in your health care and presided over the debt growing to over 22 freaking trillion dollars knows there’s no better way to go. Hopefuls to dethrone him are elbowing each other to demand single-payer while claiming there’s just not enough federal involvement in your life. You don’t have a good choice, so look to the less bad one.

In the ideal world we live nowhere near, Trump would be loathed by conservatives for being the precise sort of liberal sellout Republican about whom he bitches. Simultaneously, he helps liberals by conforming to their stereotype of a heartless tycoon. But the guy who makes Nixon look like Reagan just has to gesture to a row of Democratic competitors in straitjackets demanding you cooperate by law. Tax rich people who shouldn’t be allowed to exist to fund our new venture.

Yes, we told your grandma to sod off. But the other route leads to infant-punching angel dust aficionados, so you really must stick with us. Trump doesn’t have to be good at anything: he just has to not be them. Saying everything else is inferior has spurred every success he’s ever had. A victory over Hillary achieved by being the one person other than her with a chance was brilliant. Switching to socialism as his opponent just shows how savvy he is at happening to compete with dolts.