Vote for Fantasies

The thought of residing in a tiki lounge bunker on Mars with seven favorite Suicide Girls is one way to cope with our present planet sucking it.  For those resigned to being stuck here, projecting scenarios is the best way to deal with reality when you’re out of angel dust.

Trying to replicate the affects of narcotics is especially necessary for our particular reality.  The twist is we’re living on Earth-Two where all the strange stuff happens. It figures that DC Comics is running this gloomy reality.  I dream of crossing dimensions to get on the normal planet where President Mitt toasts to North Korea’s disarmament with a malted milk.

Wondering what could have been is an acceptable hobby to escape this dumb world.  But many of those who caused it are the ones letting their minds wonder, which will be banned starting when my congressman heeds my letter.  Failing legislation, escapism is still supposed to be the bystander’s option.  Instead, responsible parties are acting as irresponsibly as possible.  They’re looking for excuses to compensate for their actions.  So, that’s why they’re into collective blame.

“At least he beat Hillary” is the first line in Donald Trump’s Wikipedia until editors catch it.  But is he the only Republican who would’ve been able to claim that?  Asking if not-Trump would have won is a pointless figurative question. That just makes it like his proposals.

The insolent amateur presidency drives its most ardent fans even more insane.  Remaining shock troopers naturally compensate by claiming the guy who pulled it off in this preposterous reality was the only one who could topple whatshername.

I almost don’t blame them.  Everyone’s stuck with this outcome, so we may as well entertain ourselves with scenarios about what if.  That’s the case even if we weren’t the ones yelling “Punch it!” as the guardrail approached.  Turn to Marvel’s penchant for daydreaming about slight changes with drastic results as a form of redemption.  Trump fans should enjoy discussing pretend scenarios, as it conforms with his accomplishments and conservatism.  Are you enjoying the swamp-draining?

We wanted useful combat maneuvers and instead got lame slap fights over trite disputes between egomaniacs.  I hope winning was worth it. Those dogged by principles wonder if someone who offered more than noticing Obama sucks would’ve not only won but swung the popular vote, as well.  That’s not the kind of theory Trump fans prefer.  But they may be surprised they’re still not dictating terms.

A few more million votes would’ve gotten Hillary fans to pipe down, which is preferable even if their tears are delicious. Sure, it’s fun to note they don’t know how the Constitution works. But those extra ballots would’ve helped a Republican president make a case for his agenda.  The incumbent doesn’t have to worry about such trifling matters on account of how he doesn’t have one.  The technicality means he beat the system yet again.

We were lamentably offered a uniquely unsuited buffoon whose job history isn’t impressive upon the slightest close examination.  I forgot which candidate I mean.  I’ll also stop litigating the election when the president does, as I believe our leader should set an example.

Like the new Tinder friend who took your bank card after she asked you to babysit, you may scroll through screenshots just to remind yourself what the pain was like.  America’s doing the same.  The 2016 election is why humans were created to be capable of guilt. We may as well learn from colossal screw-ups unless we want to prove science fiction shows correct about how idiotic people of our time are.  I don’t know about you, but being lectured by Doctor Who’s producers is not my idea of escape.

But go ahead and pretend only the QVC spokesman could’ve beaten a Clinton who was phony even by family standards. Playing pretend allows followers with plenty of practice the ability to maintain the delusion that bitching at whoever insults the president is effective.  Never mind if it gets anything good done.  Attempting to project strength without values leaves us with neither. It turns out our enemies can spot posturing, as they possess the sort of amoral calculation the president creepily admires.

We can dream about a president who might not have squeaked by the universe’s worst candidate. The mystery human would’ve had Obamacare and tax proposals ready to go instead of merely deciding last year that whatever’s in place is crummy.  Voters would’ve been more impressed, too, presuming primary voters hadn’t split their votes against the jerk reality show-style. It’s my fantasy, so it can’t be wrong.  Besides, it beats the ones unrepentant Trump voters are having.  At least I can tell mine aren’t really happening.


Signal This

You can’t possibly believe that.  Everyone is dishonest but you, so reward yourself for purity with three items from your Amazon Wish List.  Two-day shipping is part of the gift for being one of America’s few honest citizens.  It takes guts to not criticize the president.  Only those who understand their patriotic duty to acknowledge infallibility as granted by Article Eight respect it. Some treasonous knees aren’t even scuffed.

Troublesome dissenters can’t possibly be honest that they think Donald Trump might not be able to button his own shirt, much less win wars while letting us earn.  This is just another virtue-signal by me to get more bags of gold dropped in my lap from the Koch Brothers helicopter by Bill Kristol.  The president’s most, um, ardent devotees think mocking him must be for profit, as he’s never spoken an incorrect word.  I’d like to hear more about standards from those who have none.  Who’s better to know what’s wrong with them?

You’ll never believe who thinks our motives are suspect. It turns out we loved our president all along.  These nasty slanders are absorbed by a blessing of a leader who forgives those least deserving of it.  That’s especially true of his cranky critics who only tease his struggles with reasoning and English to get the praise of liberals, who we’re obviously keen on impressing.  I know it’s been my goal since I unfortunately became interested in politics.

Please take insults in place of solutions.  The White House Fan Club can’t just admit he’s what would happen if fellow WWE Hall of Famer George “The Animal” Steele had been elected to the most powerful office on Earth.  That’s not an entirely fair comparison, as the incumbent is far less charming as he eats turnbuckles.

You may have noticed he’s making up as he goes along and sucks at that. But that’s your deluded instincts controlling your rational thoughts. I blame the lamestream media.  At the same time, I thank our president for showing the dangers of cult membership.  Of course, that wasn’t his intention by telling his minions to reject any lord but him.  But inadvertent usefulness is all we expect from politics now.  Did I mention this government wants to cut up your pork chop for you?

Bet it all on the Cleveland Browns.  They’re due.  But perhaps the struggles with moving or stopping the ball are part of a trend.  Try finding a more articulate shyster.  If I’m going to waste integrity defending someone who’s ostensibly on the same side, it’s not going to be for an oft-liberal buffoon.

Those lamentably paying attention to Trump are somehow profiting off noting the president is not suited for the job due to his apelike demeanor and fourth-grade insults.  He’s united the nation.  Sure, it’s not in the way the Red Hat Brigade predicted, but that’s the only thing they’ve gotten wrong.  They’re just so eager to move into the future where people aren’t burdened by standards.  Their dreamboat president is so eager to prove he’s above partisanship that he has no standards.  If he says it, they agree with it.  Life’s as easy as they portray.

It’s an uncanny coincidence how those who think principles are for losers feel everything is a scheme.  Those opposed to the flim-flam president’s scuzzy transactions may not think the ends are justified. I know it’s hard to imagine how others are capable of believing things and sticking with them.  Those who thought out some sort of ideology have yet to be seduced by a president whose only principle is that he’s the best.  It should be easy to confirm.

Loyalty to individuals instead of ideas is bound to produce contentment and sound sleep.  We’re living through Game of Thrones with much less classy nudity.  All is for sale while nothing has value.  On the plus side, it’s a buyer’s market for souls.

Trump’s last Eagle’s Nest holdouts shake their heads at your traitorous criticism.  What kind of egghead would embrace ideas, anyway?  You can’t see them unless you visit the National Archives, and that’s right in the middle of undrained swamp.  Adulate a human instead, as it’s easy to praise his words and smirks.  There happens to be a perfect one in the White House, as seen by the extensive peaceful prosperity.  Trump’s gentle healing touches all those, including the ingrates.  He’s quite magnanimous.

Those who suspect critics of treachery have shown just how loyal they are. If they won’t criticize this uncouth lunkhead, they certainly wouldn’t doubt a decent fellow.  There I go again with horrid insults aimed at our beneficent executive just because I listen to him.  I’m sure Trump will reward their slavishness.

Enemy of Dumb People

Everyone is now defined by who hates them. Do you feel inspired?  There’s no reason to propose initiatives that would improve our species.  Those involve hard work on account of all the thinking followed by implementing.  It’s far easier to gesture toward whoever loathes your guts with the implication that your style differs.  Don’t thank them.

But what if the person who put your face on a dartboard is a moron?  You should believe that by definition.  Dumb people hating a product offer a marginal endorsement.  It’s an advertisement to functional humans if their doltish counterparts smash it on a table because the buttons are perplexing. Still, the right sort of folks should enjoy using it.  A tablet should be easy to navigate even if semi-upright apes are flummoxed.

Your opponents might have bad taste.  But their appalling fondness for Vanilla Ice doesn’t make your New Kids on the Block fanny pack any cooler.

At a tranquil time when everyone hates everyone else, it’s easy to let animosity set boundaries. Unsophisticated Cro-Magnons in the Before-Time used to discuss their differences.  They should’ve thrown rocks at each other like us evolved primates.

All we know is that we’ve been out for blood for as long as history’s been documented.  The ancient texts stretch as far back as tweets at the page’s bottom. Nobody’s quite sure why we pray for the deaths of those with different candidates’ lawn signs, as contemplation distracts from rage.

Both parties preserve our stupid government’s atrocious overreaches in their own ways.  Personal style is the only distinguishing characteristic.  It’s hard to sort the rumblers when each participant wears Hypercolor shirts with Skidz pants.  Spot your side by their different Starter hats.  Are we the Raiders or the Sharks? The hideous throwbacks will be embarrassing in five minutes.  But nobody looks for past examples anymore, so we’ll forget today to focus on mocking each other tomorrow.

Policies are irrelevant.  I mean, they’re not.  But any particular stances are ignored in favor of emphasizing caricatures.  Premises are only distinguished by degree.  The disgust is so severe because the stakes are so small. The other side is on the other side, and that’s all animosity takes.  American politics now resemble a summer camp color war.  Anyone wearing blue is the enemy, so dump flour on them.

Trump’s oft-liberal caricature of conservatism is all the most zealous disciples and apostates need to create their personalities.  I’d feel sorry for those who still think he’s a definitive businessman if the association didn’t taint human commerce. Anyone paying attention knows a favor-buying brute who writes his name in gold to distract from his insecurity loathes open commerce.  On the other hand, Democrats do detest him more than Kim Jong-un.

Those who insist life is full of complexities too nuanced for conservatives also proclaim there’s only one side.  To be fair, there are even fewer.  Like troglodytic neo-Nazis fighting contemptible modern commies in the worst World War II reenactment ever, it’s fine to loathe both.  If the relatively milder choice is between two parties who want to control us with slightly different terminology, I’m drinking RC Cola.

Trump tries to sell you on how he’s for selling.  The diagram would confuse M.C. Escher.  But all he’s ever wanted is to corner business with charm and threats.  It’s not my fault others bought it.  The inability to recognize that government favoring particular enterprises is the precise opposite of free markets is why we don’t let the left define terms.  We also roll our eyes when they proclaim there’d be peace if only we weren’t mean to friends we’ve turned into warmongers.

Democrats hate a president who basically agrees with them because he pretended to be a right-winger.  At least we have another example of what happens differing from what should.  It’s the longest-loading Wikipedia.

The animosity is understandable: I wouldn’t want him representing my side, either.  But nobody can distinguish between party and ideology in these sophisticated times.  His penchant for solving everything with a deal is only made worse by what he considers deals.  Democrats fume because their chief designated enemy proposes federal fixes that aren’t slick enough.  I know there’s value in ticking them off.  But it should be for better reasons than electing someone unpleasant.

There has to be more.  There’s not and won’t be.  A candidate could offer something positive, maybe.  It doesn’t seem possible at present.  But a deep dive into information available through our futuristic fluorescent tablets indicates humans were once capable of providing legitimate reasons to be despised. Now, flipping off rivals is considered sufficient.  Stir in lame insults to keep it real.

The chasm between what’s accepted and where standards should be is the difference between Appetite for Destruction and thinking the present Guns N’ Roses tour will match it.  Remember how nostalgia’s in? Nobody wants to think about the present.  We let those who find us hideous do that on our behalf.

Standing Up for Lying

I’m tired of politicians with their sleazy underhanded talk.  It’s time for one who’s sleazy overhanded.  Lying more blatantly is one way to convince people you’re honest.  Who has enough brass to fib outright?

Bravery isn’t noble if it’s attached to delusion.  Donald Trump’s trick isn’t that clever.  It is audacious in its way.  It’s almost like this is a presidency where values are disconnected from strength.  Those who think he can’t possibly be so boldfaced must be new to politics.  I hope.

Trump’s a different kind of politician.  The genie laughs as he notes you have two wishes left.  Getting things back to normal almost sounds appealing after enduring the alternative.  The public now craves an ordinary oily politician. At least try to be shady about deals.  Now, we get screwed over without intrigue.

The trainee doesn’t think out how he’ll trick you.  But he is intent on overcharging. You almost have to admire someone on probation who presumes he’s so charismatic that you won’t be able to turn down his proposals.  He’s also really smart, according to him.  Why would the president lie?  The boasts are also accurate retroactively. All those things Trump promised about Atlantic City are now true. Trump Plaza looks abandoned, but the executive order says otherwise.

The sagging polls and lack of signed bills would seem to run counter to his theories on his personal awesomeness.  You were supposed to believe his magical arrogant spells, disloyal serfs.  Next, you’ll tell me a conman’s schemes get exposed if the three-card Monte table is in a prominent enough location.

We’re in good hands with a president who’s improvising every time he speaks.  I’m sure his trumpet will never sound discordant.  Trying to figure out how the valves work beats him thinking out Twitter insults.  The “send” button creates the most jarring cacophony of all.  Isn’t there a dental drill we could listen to instead of reading Trump’s feed?

Aside from the birth, age, and residency limits, there aren’t any qualifications a president has to meet.  The Founding Fathers trusted us to choose someone wise.  Maybe people bitching that the Constitution is outdated have a point.  Unfortunately, the alarming choice is a reflection of us, not them.

Our ever-professional president hopes he can b.s. an answer by sentence’s end.  It’d be more impressive if he had any demonstrated skill at it.  The fact a certain percentage of humans fall for it is a humiliation for them, not a testament to his persuasive powers.  There’s a mammoth gap between what is supposed to and what actually happens. We may as well learn a lesson from those who won’t accept that they’re profoundly disappointed.

The Office was a documentary.  It’s just about a future presidency. Every Trump speech brings to mind Michael Scott starting a sentence and hoping he’ll find where it’s going by the end. A Dunder Mifflin manager is just as qualified for the presidency.  The Scranton branch makes this White House look productive.

There’s no way smart modern techno-people would’ve fallen for something so flagrant.  As for those who did, I’d feel more sorry if they hadn’t inflicted a parody from 1993 of who would be president on us.  We all saw the walk of shame.  It’s so obvious that he’s seduced voters eager to be charmed. I’ll be different from those other guys who didn’t text and took your debit card.  They can’t see it if you wonder why dudes like that land chicks.  Neither gender comes out looking attractive.

It’s hard for people to admit they’re gullible.  That’s especially so for these people.  Why would they?  If Trump’s just been running his mouth for decades, that would mean they weren’t awesome radicals who can vanquish any political enemy.  It’s better to believe they taught Chuck Schumer a lesson by electing one of his donors. Sure, Trump hasn’t reversed Obama’s major initiatives, but you can trust that he’s not a Democrat anymore.

Still, expect some testiness.  That’d be new.  The Red Hat Brigade has spent so long in the waiting room that they’re wondering if the doctor skipped town.  Waiting for his guarantees about their dreams becoming reality helps kill time.  Their tweets will seem moody until Trump does what he guaranteed.  So, that’ll only be another week or two.

His fans continue to cope with how he is by explaining why he’s honest.  Take a moment to laugh before noting it’s true, in its way.  The straightforward way in which he’s full of it inspires the nation’s youths to service.

Being truthful to themselves isn’t just good advice from that low-energy cuck William Shakespeare: it should be of utmost importance when their dreamboat is not. Instead, they insist they weren’t suckered.  Remaining fans of their goon is a testament to stubbornness.  It’s also a far stronger principle than any of Trump’s.  I’d be more sympathetic if they weren’t so determined to explain why he’s just about to do as he says. Count it as another fiction.

Outside Looking Out

The outsider helps the establishment in one of those cruel ironies modern man is too busy raging to appreciate.  The assistance doesn’t occur purposely, of course, as nobody ever succeeds deliberately in this comforting political age.  There’s no time to notice when you can watch any show you’d like whenever you want.  The next Netflix Marvel show is bound to arrive soon, and the catharsis should distract for a few episodes.

I don’t care where politicians come from, which is a common feeling among those who wish they’d go away.  A lack of experience isn’t as stimulating as you’d think.  Praising some disinterested dope who managed to get enough votes for being an outsider is a meaningless term in an era full of them.  Let’s take on the globalist establishment with the blah blah blah and blame Paul Ryan when we muck it up.  All we know is the government is still sucking out our currency and souls despite what that flashy board game salesman claimed.

The marks really thought they were going to shake things up.  It’d be more adorable if we weren’t stuck with all the liberal nonsense enacted by the last vacancy-filler.  The party that’s the only real option conservatives presently have is instead plagued by limp fecklessness.  Uncannily, the cocky hopeful campaigned precisely against such ineffective conduct.  It’s a good thing he’s not compensating, because that would mean he’d get even worse the longer he’s in power.

A guy who alternates between crude approximations of conservative policies and actual grabby initiatives somehow hasn’t stuck it to the District.  That’s bad news for the constituency he’s incorrectly assumed to represent, namely those who rail against concentrated power precisely because of guys like him.

Plenty of voters will agree.  They inevitably turn back to Democrats when Republicans can’t eliminate the former’s dumb schemes.  A combination of halfheartedness and broken promises don’t impress those who visit polling places.  At least those condescending stooges commit to messing with your life instead of half-assing it.

The problem lies with this particular outsider.  Trump is continually outfoxed by everyone in his strange new city, as if everything he boasted is nonsense.  I blame planning, or lack thereof.  Someone truly interested in shaking up the squares would’ve had a plan ready to go on day one.  But Trump is more Jesse than Walter White. You have to know there are more steps ahead before planning to make them.

A real subversive would’ve drawn up blueprints laying out where he should place the charges.  Instead, this embodiment of frustration is constantly claiming that the explosions are forthcoming.  George R.R. Martin is thankful Trump set a new standard for teasing.

A guy making a case for why limited government would benefit Americans would be really helpful right now.  I’m picturing, oh, a lifelong Republican with a record of conservative voting and explanations.  It turns out making a case is an important part of the presidency.  If you believed this dude when he proclaimed his alleged skill at selling Trump Ice made him better at persuasion than any politician, let’s play poker. It will have to be somewhere other than the Taj Mahal.

Trump announced he’d shake up things.  Instead, he codified them.  Well, it’s not like this is the guy who said he’d take on the NFL and ended up ruining the USFL.  None of the clever deals he claimed were his specialty have come to fruition, but that’ll just make the second year that much more overwhelming.

It’s almost like he’s full of it.  I apologize for the disloyal thoughts, but I’m just trying to shake up the establishment that now includes him.  He’s sort-of been training his whole life.  Trump deals are the one thing scuzzier than politics.  And he can’t even outfox minority stooge Nancy Pelosi.

There’s no better gift to those who want to preserve their stranglehold than a guy who thinks he’ll upend everything.  Oh, I’m sure you’ll raze the foundation.  Pat Trump on the head so he feels like he achieved something.

Messianic tendencies are the worst in someone who’s so obviously fallible. It’s much easier to puncture the bubble of someone who’s overinflated himself.  Trump has done more to preserve big government than any Republican imaginable.  Most of them take years of training to have no principles, but he did it instinctually.

Our president is the ultimate RINO.  He can blame the gelatin spines of legislators ostensibly in the same party.  But the executive is supposed to reinforce with steel.  I hope those who bailed out his real estate projects are better at obeying building codes.

He’ll act dignified after he takes the tie out of his mouth.  Those with more experience at the crummy scheme Trump entered this year know how to cope.  Statist politicians tolerate insults in exchange for getting to preserve their toxic legacy.  They let him pretend he’s effective.  Trump’s used to it.

Downhill Quickly

It’s good to get what you want done.  Maybe.  The task might be something awful.  A Post-it note with “rob bank,” “steal insulin,” and “punch orphan” crossed out indicates a productive day, but it may not have been legally or morally impressive.  Effectiveness and wisdom are rare companions.  The ideal qualities are even harder to find in pairs during the prevalence of instantaneous personal media.  What the hell is that supposed to mean, I tweeted faster than I could think.
Falling out of a helicopter involves rapid movement.  It’s not what would be considered in a forward direction.  As the guy who tried pickpocketing Chuck Norris learned, action does not always lead to making gains.  We would ideally be getting both. Donald Trump gives neither, of course.  Getting reckless things done more quickly turns out to not be beneficial.

Do something speedy enough and nobody will notice if it was worth doing. The rush to show he’s achieved something means no time to ponder.  A president who’s swift in one sense of the word could be signing a bill to sell Arkansas to Belgium, and he’d be smirking too much to notice the loss of sovereignty. It’s not like he reads what he signed.  Heck, he didn’t even thumb through the books he was supposed to have written.

America has been accelerating toward a wall.  You’re only supposed to note how exciting the breeze feels.  That last president confused action with production, which was just one of the ways he totally respected business.  Barack Obama got what he wanted, and the reader may judge whether or not moving legislation necessarily conflates with improving the nation.  If the reader needs help, it does not.

Being a transformative president may not be a good thing.  Fire transformed Chicago into ashes, which is preferable to the job the last president’s lackey is doing as mayor. Trump’s predecessor worked to his utmost to make Americans feel guilty about being the best because its people are left alone. Similarly, shame about sticking up to international villainy was replaced with fervent kneeling.  All that motion didn’t lead to as much tranquility as possible.

Circumstances improved only by comparison.  Trump fans bristle because they don’t recognize the distinction between a lot of likes and the post’s quality.  I feel like they’ve never heard of the Kardashians.

Popularity is rarely a sign of value. The fact most music and film is flaming garbage is merely one prominent example. The sheltered accounts providing shade to the president are the sort that feature bragging about YouTube views. Relatedly, any argument with someone very sanely claiming Trump’s accomplishments are being minimized because the establishment fear him will inevitably involve that person bringing up Twitter counts. A message is only worthwhile if lots of people encounter it, according to those who seemingly think Full House was quality television.

It’s bad enough they’re always people with the same number of followers and following.  But having more people read something doesn’t mean it’s a worthwhile message.  Look at the number of retweets Trump gets on semiliterate calls to burn down newspapers he has concluded are bigger enemies than Iran for an example in real time.

Trump’s amazing at anything, which you’d know if you listened to him.  His core principle is that whatever he chooses will always be the best, which is an ideology of sorts.  His vaguely liberal impulses paired with his unearned self-confidence lead to kinetic government. The energy shouldn’t be infectious.

Are you telling me that someone without an ideology has no proposals? Flailing splashes lots of water but isn’t as effective moving ahead as swimming.  Crudely restating conservative positions he pretends to hold shouldn’t assuage anyone even if it got him to this point.  The ADHD era has the right president.  It’s quite a surprise nothing gets passed when Trump is distracted by squirrels.

In a presidency when advancing any legislation would be framed as progress, who cares about the text?  Pretending circumstances have changed is part of voting for someone who has an awful lot of nasty things to say about conservative authors he’s never read.  I’m as shocked as you that a showman’s fans are fine with nothing more than altering perception.

Getting something done is all that matters.  Well, not really.  But it’s all a frantic executive seeks.  Trump just wants a pen to hold up. Ego-stroking goes with pedal-slamming.  Shifting out of neutral would impress the car next to you at the red light.  It should be easy to pass more showy legislation with his ostensible party on his side. Our effective dealmaking president can’t even manage that.

Lack of progress is fine if the organization is loathsome.  It’s better to be pushing toxic waste against a wall than through a nursery door. Washington is best when inertia keeps everything still.  The problem is that many crummy things need to be reversed.  How are those delirious promises by an outsider to fix everything on the inside going?  It’s no wonder winning didn’t make his most rabid fans less angry.

This quick disaster was predictable over time.  Trump ruined every bit of Manhattan skyline he could with obnoxious black glass monstrosities while turning Atlantic City into the vacancy capital of the world. Moving the USFL to the fall was a type of motion.  Boasting will distract from twitchiness.  Drawing attention in the wrong way is something most of us learn around age four is ultimately unhelpful. As for getting to prekindergarten, it might take until term’s end to reach that maturity.  Hurry up.

Digging Through Rock Bottom

I bet the other party can screw up even worse.  The entertainment provided by double dares to fail is the only way to get through the 2010s.  Fall off a cliff while grandstanding about your enemy running over his own torso.  The “Hold my beer” era of politics is keeping urgent care places in business, which is one way to cope with neither faction removing onerous health care commands.  Each side does what it can to help the other, and it’s nice to have bipartisanship in these cranky times.

The best hope is that these atrocious organized grifters posing as parties cancel each other out.  We’re not about to have genuine barriers removed just because we think liberty is a natural right or something.  Our klutzy safety managers are determined to erect new ones.  They blessedly keep placing them at their own feet.  The inability to sell wretched policies stands as the present best hope for prosperity.  Don’t ever claim I’m anything but an optimist.

Like everything else these days, nothing works as planned in political strategy.  The only benefits are inadvertent.  The endlessly regrettable errors of the other side are used to advance an agenda, as long as winning the next time without any accomplishments in the meantime counts.  It’s not precisely stirring.  But everyone outside New York and Boston likes watching the Yankees and Red Sox brawl.  Cheer for blood.

Cults are defined by how many outsiders think members are insane.  Neither collection of zealots inspires as both claim to carve a path through the jungle to paradise. Nobody sane wants a politician to spend what is or could be ours.  But we’re stuck with wannabe messiahs who can sell you perfection.  These particular loathsome office-fillers think they’re leading mankind into a new era.  We’ll enter our new plane of existence right after insurance gets cheaper.

Random outbursts should be more entertaining.  But they all obey the same formula.  Next week, the president will accidentally tweet his cellphone number, and a CNN host will explain why it’s a 25th Amendment violation.

The worst possible options fight to get in your face.  Coincidentally, both suicidal entities want to order you through the day.  Nobody is entitled to tell you what to do, which seems like an odd thing to have to tell Americans.  Even worse, those who are least qualified are the most eager to do it.  They disqualify themselves by claiming the slightly different alternative is akin to mass murder.  Who knew buying your own things could be so dangerous?

The threat of widespread fallout is diminished when both sides misplace their nuclear footballs. This form of assured destruction comes in mutually handing each other tremendous errors to exploit.  Professed Olympians tell you how to win a gold medal when their hands are covered in scars from track spikes as a result of unfortunate shoe-tying accidents.

Four-dimensional chess usually doesn’t involve this much self-punching.  The only thing worse than Trump saying something dumb is the dumber response from Bernie Sanders.  His House partner Maxine Waters helpfully demands impeachment before she reaches the end of each sentence.  Well, nobody knows corruption better.  Henry Hill could’ve explained why the mob is bad. Come up with charges after you start talking on television.  I’m sure you’ll be able to improvise something so wise that Twitter won’t relish lambasting it for the afternoon.

Trump’s only hope are those who treat him like a planet-hating Hitler distracting from his Sergeant Schultz-level of competence.  Imaginary examples have more impact these days.  Media members are acting like they’re the last defense against the Death Star.  Meanwhile, they’re taking selfies with camera flashes that are just enough to distract Luke Skywalker.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think the parties were cooperating. Democrats and Republicans want the same basic stupid things.  They just crave telling you what to do.  But their similar putzing styles make their reciprocity seem coincidental.  And the only thing they hate more than human autonomy is each other.  They’re only messing up how they express it because they’re atrocious at the one thing about which they care.

Like how New Coke was a blunder into profits, the idiotic charges idiots hurl at each other aren’t part of a grand scheme.  But they do preserve power over us.  We’re presently buckling under a big-government agenda with little of Barack Obama’s huger-government initiatives being touched.

Both parties think you need continuous lectures.  In their daily struggles to not fall into open sewers, they show why they can’t even guide themselves.  The next Nazi comparison after the president fights a cable news host should do it.