Month: December 2018

Good and Serviced

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

You’d think Donald Trump would get how tradeoffs work. But failing to grasp the exchange’s most crucial aspect is just another chance to be proud of not knowing anything. Instincts replace book learning, according to somewhat popular modern strategies. Admitting there’s a downside would mean his supporters might occasionally doubt him, and loyalty is the only thing that pleases the man who brings us unbridled joy. A dog-hater’s habit of demanding doglike devotion is not conducive to subtlety.

The president’s unofficial Secret Service wishes they could shield him. His most zealous fans refuse to accept that a guy making up what he thinks as he talks could ever be wrong about anything in a truly healthy example of loyalty to a person that makes politics special. And this is supposedly the side that’s for limited government.

The ample drawbacks in cheering for this particular person to save us illustrate all the things history’s top business titan never learned about economics. To be fair, playing a success took so much of his attention that he didn’t learn how to actually be one. It worked in its way, although it did take quite a few suckers.

Trump has to insult anyone who notices his habit of claiming he knows everything that’s right about any topic. His unwillingness to accept that he’s actually the worst example of the shortcomings of political worship doesn’t quite jibe with reality in the same sense that he’s not precisely modest. For a supposed outsider, he sure acts like everyone else in the crummiest of professions. What kind of low-energy loser needs to win an election to stay employed?

The Nostalgia Party only looks back a few years now. There was a time when Republicans would think a dirtbag was not someone to admire. Now, the muscular alpha male cheating on a pregnant wife with plastic model from an obsolete skin mag is a sign of toughness. Admitting he’s pond scum instead of trying to justify gross conduct will make the president deem you uncool.

As a sign of utter security, the president remains dedicated to what he thinks you think reflects success. Trump is like an ’80s movie villain who wants to knock over the youth center. He cherishes the perception of ruthlessness that impresses rubes like a gold-plated Lamborghini with Penthouse Pets wearing scandalously few garments lounging on the hood. Based on a lifetime of stumbling into the perception of success all the way to the White House, he’s finally not wrong about something.

The country’s bipartisan in the worst way. Trump obeys the Bill Clinton standard of putting up with the scumbag as long as he submits his work on time. Worst of all, there’s not even that much to admire. The impossibly skeezy incumbent is coasting based on things he can’t even grasp, much less take credit for.

Being condescending in degeneracy is how he elevates the office. These throwback times mean people who notice the president embodies sleaze are uptight again. Why can’t we be relaxed like those swinging Europeans and their tolerance of mistresses? And what’s with gonorrhea being out of fashion?

Why try to get slightly more than you lose when you can gain it all without giving up anything? Well, it’s impossible while trading, but that doesn’t stop the government from trying. These are basic economics, which you’d think Trump would grasp. He’s the biggest success ever, right? Just ask him.

Pretending there are no consequences actually exacerbates them. I’m sorry to crush the fantasy world, and this is probably a bad time to also note porn stars probably aren’t fun to be with in real life. As for the rest of us getting screwed, Trump thinks ignoring Social Security treating the economy like Godzilla did Tokyo is going to keep the city from being destroyed.

America’s best hope is having an oaf in office, so don’t weep for the future yet. Advisors who cared about the nation’s future would be giving him some switches to flip that he’s told make the economy go. Next, guarding the bee is the most important assignment we have, Mister President, so please stay here and be important in the basement while the rest of the nation completes unimportant tasks like engaging in commerce.

Be glad Trump knows nothing, as that makes him an ideal president. Not knowing enough to screw it up is an inadvertent blessing, which is the only type for which we can hope. Count blessings while rocking on the floor in the fetal position. The combination of unparalleled arrogance and inability to get things done is better for everyone else than we realize.

Trump is a true outsider who hasn’t read the manual, which in this case happens to be the Constitution. He’s too busy consulting his Bible, which is actually a copy of The Art of the Deal with a dedication to himself. Looking in the mirror means he’s not looking at how to mess with our lives, so tell him how handsome he is and buy yourself some time.

Agenda Duh

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

I’m the only honest one. Everyone thinks they have no agenda. It’s that other shadyside that’s full of mendaciouscreeps. Don’t listen to anything they say. Come to me for absolute truth. Would you believe me if I had a tag reading “Press” in my fedora?

Certain industries are immune to humanity. Souls are removed while earning degrees to ensure purity. If a royal member of one of these esteemed professions claim something, it must be true by divine right. Let those who allege they are not on any sides lead us into dispassionate glory. Help them tie their shoelaces.

It’s cynical to note everyone is full of it and wants you to believe they’re wholly partisan. It’s also accurate. The alternative is to be a sweet trusting kid who believes what Elizabeth Warren sells. There’s no greater mystery than what in human experience would lead anyone who’s been here for more than a few hours to conclude those in charge know what they’re doing. Government is to productivity what Jimmy Kimmel is to comedy. It’s adorable to think removing the profit motive is what led to efficiency all this time. Nothing keeps prices down like not having to compete.

People are immune to preconception after donning a lab coat. Don one and tell the boss that you don’t reek of gin and crystal meth, and he’s sure to let you take a long lunch. We naturally want to believe there’s a method for ensuring facts can be established through experiments. But we also forget humans are manning the Bunsen burners. Acting like science is inherently pure is the surest way to end up with errant explosions from mixing chemicals. The smoking and soot may be more hazardous than depicted in madcap films.

Getting things wrong is a specialty of our species. The only research that can be certain to not contain deviations caused by temptation is conducted by cyborgs, and those jerks would decide the result of every test is that flesh bags need to be eliminated. I tend to disagree although I can see how the case could be framed as sympathetic.

Be wary of experiments run by humans, who are notably bad at following instructions. It’s not the nicest part of our species, but some of us may fudge results. That’s especially so for those tricky scoundrels who write conclusions while suggesting hypotheses. Sometimes, claiming we’re doomed the only way for a scientician to stay in business. Guess what happens to a researcher who says everything is fine? I have concluded those in the business enjoy receiving grants.

The press reports that the press is fair, and I presume they check their facts. The media are unbiased by definition, much in the same way the liberal positions its members all hold bring prosperous tolerance. But what if reality doesn’t match? Next, you’ll tell me socialism doesn’t mean selfless helping. Receiving affirmation from journalists who vote the same way is how statists pretend they’re factual. It’d be a neat trick were it not so disingenuous.

Being a journalist means having partiality genes removed. That’s just another fib for the pile. Preposterous reporting is actually worse because of the claim of objectivity. I’d half-respect any smug lecturer pretending a fact check is anything more than a partisan case if they admitted it. That’s 50 percent more respect than any yellow outlet deserves now.

Anyone can be a reporter. No, really: it’s barely a job. The First Amendment doesn’t require a license despite the way Jim Acosta carries himself like a doctor. In fact, journalism is so easy that people without fancy degrees can do it in their spare time on Twitter. The same people who think particular industries need interventions also believe working for a newspaper or network leads to special protections. Those making a semi-living off communications are extended elite privileges according to a fictional Constitution that also separates church and state while containing an insurance mandate.

It’s amazing how liberals are always free of prejudices. The same people who scoff at the notion of absolute truth hold that their stances are accompanied by ironclad authority. A sure sign of open-mindedness is presuming only their stances are valid. Reasonable people can disagree as long as they happen to think a federal agency will solve the latest crisis.

Anyone who thinks power grants authority is bound to wield it without consideration of impact. The media claims the government’s scientific report is accurate, and who could doubt such triple-stamped authenticity? Also, I have J.D. Salinger’s autographed rookie card for sale if you’re sick of getting burned.

You the People

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Constitutional contempt is an odd way of demonstrating love for this nation.  I’m not calling modern progressives un-American: I’m merely noting their beliefs run counter to the values of a country designed to enable autonomy.  Okay, maybe I’m accusing them.  But they sure are insistent.  It’s important to brand everyone who disagrees with whatever goofy concepts they invent as delusional for the full effect.

Those who think federal action helps humans are already confused.  They could alleviate that cognitive dissonance by first deciding if they’re pretending to adhere to the rules.  Our most arrogant dopes already have to compensate for believing we inhabit some Bizarro America where government is what makes it swell instead of precisely what’s to be minimized. Thinking a document designed to protect the right to be left alone contains an insurance mandate is foolish enough that anyone who adheres to it must be contemptuous.

I encourage fans of benevolent autocracy to admit they loathe America’s limits.  Honesty might feel nice, even as a change of pace.  The Vox-style board game flipping at frustration over losing is the only exercise they get.  Those damned rules keep them from implementing plans that would eliminate poverty, pain, and the fear of death.  Note who’s respectful of impediments to authority by how they complain about slavery written into the Constitution. They’re the same ones who kvetch their foes won’t compromise by giving into everything they want.

A republic with specific designated tasks is designed to curtail power, which is precisely why growing-government fans see it the way I do a cash bar at a wedding.  Redundant limitations naturally tick off those who think a benevolent autocrat can impose order on these subversive free markets.  There’s a reason each branch is pitted against each other, and not just because it’s a blast to watch idiots argue about why each should dominate.   The document doesn’t enable all three to unite in steamrolling us for our flattening benefit.  I can check the back.

Washington can remedy anything, according to those with high tolerances for fantasy and low self-esteem.  You don’t even need to know the question, as the answer is always even more debt.  We can’t do anything radical like letting buyers and sellers negotiate until they reach a price that’s mutually agreeable.  What foolishness led you to conclude people could take care of their own needs?  It’s not literally written down or anything.

Anyone who loves America so much they want to change it completely is bound to see it rationally.  Literal freedom-fighters think the country’s job is to fight oppression.  Also, their definition of oppression is getting to buy insurance from a company if you think it’s wise. Paying with your own money just feels so expensive.  Instead, tax people who make more, as they obviously thieved it.  How could anyone be more valuable than you?

Making up clauses is one way to cope with terrifying liberty.  The nation’s whole appeal lies in not being bothered.  But responsibility for what happens in your life isn’t nearly as fun as blaming someone unconnected.

Ruining the delicate balance that keeps us from being hassled into oblivion would be bad enough without knowing their policies create toxic agony.  The enlightened tolerant faction throws away a nation dedicated to liberty in order to create crummy dependence based on doling out a sliver of what’s contributed.  All that freedom is just going to make you think someone else could pay you more than Washington.  Let the sort of government where Donald Trump can be head of state be in charge of our well-being.

The document’s tone leans toward not getting pushed around if nobody’s noticed yet.  There was a king involved at some point who told people what to do, and the fairy tale indicates they didn’t care for it. Ancestors ticked over a tax on stamped paper would have aneurysms at the myriad invasions we not only tolerate but encourage as measures of civilization.

Listen to grad students who are too smart to create anything.  Pompous lectures disguised as news explainers don’t count.  Experts take your money because you don’t have enough degrees to know how to spend it wisely.  Buying stuff you want would be foolish.  Who wants to be materialistic and get something you’d like?  Disavow possessions to reach nirvana.

Government is the religion for some who look upon genuflecting during Mass attendance as silly.  Even worse, they’re a bunch of heathens.  The heresy of loathing the Bible is often adhered to by those who face Washington while praying.  Self-appointed betters won’t trust the masses to pick what they want, much less tap their holstered guns if anyone tries to shut them up.  The theoretical interdictions are bad, but wait until you see how much Constitution opponents can screw up things practically.

Got It Done

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Replying to critics is a tacit assertion that they have something worth saying.  Sure, it’s frustrating to ignore lesser twerps nipping at your ankles.  But returning hatred shouldn’t be the only thing keeping you warm.

Confidence should be natural enough that those with it don’t need to state they have it.  Famous restaurants don’t have to bill themselves as such.  The truly powerful can dominate news cycles without having to constantly affirm their statues.  It’s as if those who feel compelled to snip are overcompensating for insecurity.  But they assure us that’s not the case, so that’s a relief.

By contrast, the Bushes were too busy being wealthy layabouts and presidents to worry about if it upset others.  With the world losing George Herbert Walker in mind, his funeral reminded us the family didn’t and don’t care what anyone said to them.  Someone that established didn’t need to remind anyone.

Americans genuinely appreciate the legacy of a president who didn’t like talking about being shot down while battling a global villainous menace.  The rest of us can acknowledge the contrast the family was too classy to make, namely that the incumbent humbles himself by bragging about his mortifying real estate career despite a history of bankruptcy, bailouts, and an inability to keep businesses featuring roulette wheels profitable.

It’s frustrating to let critics shriek, especially since their lunacy is emboldened when unchallenged.  But the guy who’s literally the most powerful on Earth shouldn’t be concerned that some people are unhappy about the result.  The commander-in-chief can define a narrative more by action than the media can, especially when the latter struggles with literacy.  I’d be surprised if Jim Acosta were able to read insults.

The Bushes are not Twitter people, which is why they seem so happy and know how to talk to each other.  On the other hand, it’s easy to avoid sadness when people pass away if you never get to know them, so never interact with them in the same room to stay happy.

Did you enjoy the granted wish, asks the genie while giggling?  We dream of a president who forgets to post on social media, and not only because the example will inspire the nation to make eye contact again.  Reminisce about leaders too busy living their lives to fret about online insults.

It’s also easier to implement an agenda while not engaging with every miserable critic.  Donald Trump is perfect for the format, which is not a compliment.  It’s far braver to mute, especially when you have nuke codes.  If the free world’s leader is responding to every critic, he’s as thin-skinned as the average person.  Sometimes, we don’t want a typical representative of our crummy species.

You can tell Trump’s admirers are alpha males because they constantly have to tell others.  Their favorite hobby is squawking at critics, often with very clever personal insults checkered with swear words. Also note pure masculinity by who’s obsessed with loyalty.  Cast out those who dare stand against a mouthy showman who treats not thinking out anything as a virtue.

Equating toughness with slinging mud has been as inspirational as expected. Trump’s most zealous volunteer action squad seethes with rage, as running mouths is the only exercise they get.  Copying what the president does shouldn’t be so negative.  A few effective maneuvers would help them develop confidence.  Their admiration for an empty executive is particularly appalling when the connected actions are pending.  I thought talking about it was all it takes, which is why Obamacare isn’t fully repealed any more than North Korea is nuke-free.

If this era seems pleasant, I envy your self-control in staying off social media.  It’s hard to believe life could get universally nasty with a president determined to respond to every single critic by name.  That’s before even acknowledging we give any executive power to set America’s mood.

Those who presume the government should and can be intimately involved with every life’s every aspect have decided the head of state is supposed to set the tone for everything in the country from how we spend our money to the way we should conduct ourselves.  Please spend on our behalf as we cuss out anyone who thinks politicians from the other side are better at controlling our paychecks.

Stoic toughness is quite the contrast with feeling full of unrequited rage. Anyone who constantly draws attention to himself is bound to be joyous.  But at least every slight gets addressed.  Voters claimed they wanted someone who fought back.  Meanwhile, George Herbert Walker Bush’s death reminded everyone that presidents used to have something better to do.  Not caring what critics said was a better way to fight back than remembered.  It took the mortifying alternative by contrast to make it stark.

Infringe This

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Sure, it’s neat to shoot pop cans and woodchucks.  America’s favorite sport involves ballistically putting holes into bowling pins for good reason.  Why else have gunpowder and open fields if we can’t experience the joyous freedom to aerate?  Even better, all that target practice serves a useful purpose, namely reminding the government who’s boss.  Good aim can only emphasize.

Guns are there to fight back.  The very fact we have them is why we don’t need to use them.  Like the cop who keeps crime from ever happening, it’s tough to assign credit.  But only ingrates don’t respect what’s prevented from happing, which explains those who think the Second Amendment means the government’s allowed to arm itself.

The state’s too powerful, and not just because they still think they can make us buy crummy insurance.  Anyone who thinks there’s no way to defend ourselves if stupid Washington gets even pushier really the lesson about our Revolution.  The word “ragtag” comes up in reference to our side axiomatically for good reason.  Taking cover in the woods to fire back is as American as romping in Saratoga.

It’s tough to cheer for liberty when you’re not cool with it existing.  Professional confiscators aren’t into what our forefathers were fighting for, either.  Those patriarchic landowning white dudes didn’t even think to ban hate speech or include a living wage in their precious Constitution.  If the hoary document promises liberty, then why do we have to buy our own things?

Principles don’t change even as our guns get sweeter.  Modern firearms are as protected by the Second Amendment as streaming apps are by the First.  Besides, there’s no time to reload a musket.  You don’t need to indulge in right-wing paranoia about Civil War II to think that our dumb government could get out of hand.  There’s only so much shoving around to endure.  That’s why citizens give it the evil eye while tapping AR-15s. Call it our own check and balance.

This isn’t to indulge in war porn.  But countless Americans are going to fight if it gets to that point no matter what as a matter of principle and fun.  As a rule, we’d rather live on our feet than die on our knees.  And, if there actually was an insurgency, much of the military will be on our side, a fact eluding those asserting the skirmish would be over in 30 seconds.  Ponderous critics need to listen to James Brown and watch Star Wars, and not just as a general principle.

Our limited government can just nuke us, which is why Afghanistan was so easy to conquer.  Levelheaded representatives of the people such as military strategic genius Eric Swalwell never grasp that a politician noting government has ominous weapons is precisely why we’re keeping ours.  They’re just making a case for why Americans should be able to get nukes without a waiting period.

The need to overthrow a government that odious hasn’t happened precisely because we’re all armed.  It’s the same reason crime plummets when right-to-carry is enacted: all the good guys are suddenly involved in a fair fight.  Oh, and lowering an escalating tax rate means successful people can spend and hire more to help the economy. It’s so unlike liberals to not grasp incentives.  Measuring what something prevents takes gratitude, which is why most people who see government as family don’t see it.

It’s easy to tell who thinks a rebellion isn’t even worth trying, and not just because they couldn’t do a pushup, singular.  Those who’re already looking for white sheets to make surrender flags are sort of people who think cops should fire at the chandelier to fall on a criminal’s head to avoid causing pain.  Similarly, a property owner only needs one bullet to shoot a gun from a home invader’s hand, you paranoid lunatic with your 93-round magazines.  Note they’ll refer to them as “clips” in a sure sign they know the devices they wish to ban.

Humans can defend ourselves no matter whether or not it’s written down.  It is in our particular awesome country, which is a nice touch.  But rights exist regardless of if they’re codified by the same entity that’s being limited.  Those who scoff at guns as a defense against tyranny because you can’t stop a tank by shooting it are really getting the point.  They often bitch illogically on instantaneous publishing platforms using beams from space that the Founding Fathers totally envisioned while compiling the Bill of Rights.

It’s not that I want them to shut up: in fact, gun-scoffers make the case against their own beliefs every time they speak.  These noted military strategists know just how a fight would turn out.  After all, they thought the Iran Deal would bring peace to the Middle East, Obamacare would make insurance awesome, and the Earth would be ruined by the internal combustion engine decades ago.  Why would haters of firearms and military maneuvers not anticipate how a rights fight turns out?  Government is too powerful to fight back against, claim those who think it helps their case.

None or Nothing

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Rejecting the notion of absolutes is a favorite hobby of those who loathe dissent.  Well, that doesn’t add up.  Everything and everyone is all good or bad in one of the very subtle characterizations of our social media era.  People who use phrases like “My truth” sure think everyone who disagrees is as objectively evil as a straw-user.  Do you regret not being able to punch whales right in the face, you gasoline fan?

It’s easier to proclaim divergent opinions as invalid.  We value consistency, right?  And who could be stupid enough to think something that goes against our very smart brains?  The notion of looking at an issue differently is so offensive that it should result in firing.  Please provide your employer’s Twitter handle if you don’t think so.

There’s more dividing ideological foes than issues.  Mean close-minded conservatives think those who disagree are wrong, while same disagreers think everyone else is an orphan-devouring grandma-kicker. The notion that America could use slightly less debt is portrayed as crazed. There’s nothing more diabolical than letting people keep their money and sticking to a budget.

Political observers find it uncanny how anyone who disagrees with social justice warriors is monstrous.  That’s the byproduct of wanting to see the poor suffer for sport.  Inhuman extremism starts with thinking maybe a few million abortions is a bit too many.  Wait: whose side is that?

True ghouls don’t want their Moloch worshipping disrupted.  Brett Kavanaugh is seen as a dastard because of how he sees the Constitution, not for whatever charges his frenzied opponents invented about him leading a rape gang in between kegs.  It’s nice to invent an excuse as a measure of respect for protocol.

Applying today’s morality to people who didn’t get the benefit of decades of societal progress is as fair as yelling at school cafeterias for appropriating culture by serving delicious tacos on Cinco de Mayo. Modern white liberals totally would’ve sat on the other side of a segregated lunch counter after attending Negro League baseball games. Just ask them.

The commitment to excluding anyone who dares stick to the nation’s rulebook is especially annoying for people who mock anyone with standards.  It’s certainly courageous on top of the willingness to demonize historical figures. You’d think those who mock Bible-thumpers would be more open about acknowledging that humans can evolve.

Those who constantly smirk about history arcing toward justice or some other such pompous attempt to sound enlightened refuse to accept people in earlier centuries may not have been tolerant enough to condemn dressing as a member of a different culture for Halloween.

Humans can’t evolve, claim those who believe our species is perfectible. There’s nothing more urgent than to condemn persons who are flawed by purportedly modern standards, including purported civilizational heroes.  Winston Churchill literally defeated Hitler, but that racist jerk deserves our scorn.  We’re too busy blaming Christopher Columbus for genocide to appreciate that his penchant for sailing past the horizon got the Western world started. And don’t even get me started on slave-owning Founders who wrote this evil Constitution that prevents the miracle of single-payer from being installed.  There’s nothing braver than condemning them years later while enjoying the benefits of their accomplishments.

There’s nothing subtle like expressing admiration for something from the past means endorsing everything about it.  Bringing up something that went well in America in, say, the 1830s means you’re cool with chattel. Modern liberals totally would’ve stood up to slaveowners.  That commitment to sanctimony is also seen in shrieking at Ted Cruz while he has the nerve to patronize a restaurant.

It’s bad enough to hate the guts of anyone who voted differently.  At least laugh about who you despise.  The worst part is how lousy the ideas are of the most strident.  Maniacal social engineering paired with punishing success ensures everyone of every invented gender has to choose between a bus pass and two meals per day.  Note who claims the other side hates health care for sick infants as their communal scheming ensures kids will hit puberty before they’re treated.  Maybe time in the waiting room will naturally cure them.

Look to the leader for why the evil Star Trek German parallel dimension has become reality.  The endless resistors have developed a thorough political philosophy based upon noting everything the president does is evil and stupid.  Donald Trump is installing the Fourth Reich, which is especially tricky considering how inept he is.  The incumbent makes George W. Bush look like Barack Obama.  Imagine how brutal the next Republican will be.  Each day of the term will be spent pushing unlucky chosen citizens down elevator shafts.

For now, amuse yourself by noting how often the most strident would agree with Trump’s doltish economical meddling were his name not attached. They’re not pernicious just because the fail to know how math works.