Don’t Not Disobey

Somehow, Americans forgot they’re supposed to break rules.  Obeying is for Frenchmen.  By contrast, the country that showed inches-long digits to the metric system should be fuming right now.  Snarling individuals ignore alien orders, just like the Clash would want. Sure, our favorite Sandinista-supporting punks might not appreciate right-wing goons appropriating their ideas.  But we’re just chucking beer bottles at a government that thinks its job is to tell us how to do ours.  Those aren’t the career opportunities we had in mind.

The only way to make being bossed around worse is putzes doing it with the force of law.  It’s not like they’re good at it.  Your leaders are losing trillions on a product everyone has to buy while Apple makes a fortune on nothing more than peer pressure.  I’m typing this on a MacBook that was purchased at a building with a glass front that I don’t believe was run by the Department of Labor.  Use your iItem to coordinate with fellow dissenters.

Don’t worry about capture: the government is listening to everyone but hears nothing.  Recognizing that unique ruling style prompts the sensible to disregard the countless parade of orders, regulations, and rules seemingly developed by escaped mental patients ordered into existence by twerps who represent everything but us.

Underground living isn’t just for bunker preppers anymore.  Conditions are and will sadly remain oppressive enough that sensible people just give up trying to comply.  Exchanges require evasion when the government gets too nosy, which is why cash will make a comeback just like vinyl.  You’ll soon be buying James Brown albums with bills that employers will increasingly use for compensation.  I’d worry about the IRS man learning of our schemes if I thought he could count higher than his fingers.  Remember to tip your servers off the card so they can buy their own things instead of funding another crummy Medicaid expansion.

Living in the past is a viable option when the future remains bleak.  We can make some of our ancestors proud by pursuing Irish democracy, that noble tradition of simply refusing to comply.  The portion of my family that sailed from Cork will be glad to adopt you.  Doing nothing naturally is a good fit for more than lazy people. The sort of people who own guns are uninterested in registering them. The fact there hasn’t been an armed insurrection shows just how polite Americans are.

If we were out to prove the state’s incompetent, the jury would be bored enough to ask if they could vote for guilt already.  Another elected tyrant is going to make them weep about missing their families.  We should join them in walking out and going about our lives.  Exercising the option to evade whenever possible is only revolutionary in the sense that being not bothered is a rediscovered option.  Our best citizens already pay as little taxes as possible as a patriotic duty.  The government would just waste money that would otherwise help fellow citizens through buying neat things.  Help others by not forking it over.

Listen for the taxpayer-funded bogeyman knocking over your lamp as he comes to capture you.  The rebellious may be saved by the autocrat’s cloddishness.  Luckily, the bullying state is also incompetent, which means kids who just want to eat lunch in peace may not get their apples smashed.  Just watch these coyotes try to capture roadrunners.

The only real crime when so many stupid things are illegal occurs when human cabbages marginalize themselves.  Feel free to own the guns you’d like, ignore the crummy insurance mandate, and keep boys out of girls’ restrooms.  Feign participation in crummy civic life only enough to distract those who steal from your check to help you get rich.  The Soviet joke that the workers pretended to work while the government pretended to pay is frighteningly applicable.  I didn’t think such an attitude would be necessary in America, particularly according to a history text I recall that says we won the Cold War.  But predictions are tricky, especially about things that haven’t happened.

Enjoy the benefits of crummy times, like the chance to develop middle finger culture.  The unwillingness to comply is not in the shrieking Trump way, especially considering their desperate urge to be accepted as loyal minions by someone who in turn tries his hardest to be accepted as a wealthy man. Anger without control is for convicts.

Actual independence relies upon the fundamental unwillingness to do a stupid thing ordered by an idiot, which is a constant problem these days. Our comically dysfunctional system means a desire to not be managed singles one out for bullying.  But this monolithically imbecilic government can’t catch all of us.  Hell, they can’t even corral a few. Play the statistics that our arrogantly dim rulers can’t grasp.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at


One Fewer Kick

It’s hard to appreciate what’s going well when North Korea and Iran are racing to bully a country that’s already flattened its own economy. But suicide before capture isn’t always honorable.  The agony could be worse.  Such knowledge is the only way to get through juggling hot coals.  Imagine the horrifying scenario where liberals get all they want if you want to understand relief, or at least a bit less despondent.

The only thriving industries revolve around noting unhappiness.  It’d be nice to put them out of business.  Real capitalists should be willing to change with the times.  Instead, lazy fake laissez-faire fans would rather rely on government inefficiencies as a profit source. It’s not okay even if their funding is indirect.  Outrage broadcasters bitching about how ineffective Republicans didn’t pass enough of their agenda is less like a habit and more a reflex.  I’m unsure what exactly they wanted without the presidency.  Perhaps they expected a budget surplus and a magic show.  Pull a rabbit out of this.

One gets the sense that tantrum specialists would rather have something about which to complain than revel in good times.  That’s a sign of strong mental health.  A bout of rage that helps you feel important may not actually be beneficial. They result in the sort of impure demands for purity results in thinking Paul Ryan is insufficiently conservative but Donald Trump isn’t.

Many ostensible conservatives with access to airwaves or the internet have found a way to profit off your misery. That sounds sick to me. You don’t have to participate in their efforts to stay rich via poor stances.  Help them go financially bankrupt in addition to their moral emptiness by turning off broadcasts.  Sean Hannity can rage on in silence.

Creeps who never acknowledge successes should know purportedly spineless Republicans kept confiscation from getting worse.  The ingrates should send contributions to the IRS as punishment. It’s hard to measure if further income transfers have been stopped since 2010. But note the pain you’re not experiencing. You’re at concierge care less often than you could be.

As for your health, at least you’re not dead yet.  Without ticked-off senators, we’d have Canada’s health system, minus the smug manners. And moderate resistance ensured that today’s 19 trillion dollars of debt wasn’t just a good start.  We would have the same amount of nothing.  Perhaps slowing the descent won’t make the crash hurt less. But the only restraint available is worth applying.

National suffering isn’t enough: some of us need more localized agony for invigoration.  It’s an odd take on federalism.  Those who live in one of the Carolinas can at least enjoy not being pummeled any further for success.  For some of us Gothamites, the quality of life has never been quite fantastic.  But Bill de Blasio’s corrupt term of jerkiness reminds already cranky residents that circumstances can always get worse.

Impediments to liberal destruction are an unseen blessing.  There is less blood on the sidewalk than feared since the cop-loathing mayor sauntered into work late, so that should make my neighbors and me cheery.  Ask for directions to the M&M’s Store to see.  Thank the structural fundamentals put in place by mayors who actually loathed crime for keeping the incumbent from emasculating New York City cops. It’s hard to tear down the framework, especially for a mayor who’s as lazy as he is inept.  A slightly smaller increase in suffering counts as progress these days.

Hoping Democrats are held accountable for ruining everything is the best-case scenario.  So, that’s why nobody is at their sunniest. Compared to the comical alternatives, the only way to minimize anticipated suffering would be if President Hillary gets cocky and forgets everything she believes is bunk.  Her oblivious arrogance would lead to an electoral slaughter in 2018 that would be reminiscent of one that humbled some other president in 1994.  She could learn more from Bill if they were ever in the same room.

Liberal politicians should be glad for checks and balances no matter how much they curse them.  If they got to be autocrats as they desire, they’d ruin us much more quickly.  Crushing their dreams keeps ours from getting snuffed out.  A grumpy Republican with the ability to say no to a few things is the best friend a statist ever has.  Partially saving others from horrid ideas is an unopened gift.  They’ve never quite gotten the hang of gratitude.

Why don’t we have a flat tax yet, waaah?  Ingrates focusing on what’s absent aren’t about to be thankful for what they got. I thought conservatives were supposed to be grateful, what with optimism, sincerity, faithfulness, and all.  Instead, the Speaker of the House is apparently supposed to function as all three branches and maybe a fourth or fifth imaginary one.  Focusing on the three defeats of a boxer with a winning record is common ground that dreary faux conservatives share with bitchy liberals.  Let them look forward to getting none of what they want, as it’s the only thing they relish.  Mmmm, what’s not for dinner?

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Accustomed to Pain

The cramp is going to be just as bad for a bit longer.  You’re already accustomed to the pain, so don’t sweat this excruciating moment.  In fact, having the spears removed from our skulls will feel strange once it’s gone, although we still won’t miss bumping into door frames.  This familiar ache beats being beaten in a novel matter, especially since the country can’t take new welts.

Hunkering down for four more years doesn’t sound like a particularly inspiring plan.  But at least we’re already used to this particular agony.  Realizing the miasma is about to be extended by 50 percent is no fun.  But take what’s comfort available in the rut.  A political movement that recognizes life is essentially suffering is sort-of enjoying proof.  Thank Barack Obama for preparing us to shoulder the same crummy oppression.

How dare you view a semiliterate brutish phony with suspicion: we need a Supreme Court majority here.  Actually, I’m going to count this as inventory shrinkage.  Anyone who thinks a lifelong clown will ponder potential judicial nominees’ commitment to originalism undoubtedly also feels accenting a black glass skyscraper with chintzy gold represents genuine wealth. If a case of vital importance to the republic’s continued existence gets to the judiciary, then it’s already lost.

We have much bigger problems than an imaginary judge.  Worrying about small stuff is like saving your Garbage Pail Kids collection from a burning house.  Yes, it’s important to rescue Adam Bomb. But you still don’t have walls upon which to stick him.

An election where the worst-case scenario will win teaches us about expectations.  Settle for goals as modest as they are distant.  At least we’re learning the important lesson that life’s purpose is to be disappointed.  How about starting small?  Try to win the Senate in 2018 as a check on inevitable preposterous incursions into your checking account and autonomy.  It’s a goal distant enough that it feels like planning Cleveland’s Super Bowl parade.  But maybe envisioning will help.  We’ve tried everything else.  Donald Trump is Johnny Manziel with a brighter helmet.

Hillary’s greatest enemy is herself.  It sure isn’t the donor she’s facing. Watch her force through wretched schemes which will set back her cause more than every position paper we can generate.  Perpetual conniving aside, the person who’s lamentably doomed to win is not calculating enough to give up her wretched beliefs.

The first bad woman president could alleviate pain by expropriating foes’ causes like the last person with her name to win.  But the First Man will never be able to convince her to acquiesce like a zaftig intern, or whatever comparison works for her.  Sticking with her lamentable ideology will hurt her presidency and the nation.  It won’t stop her.

We don’t even get to choose from dopes who try to pretend to care we have a Constitution.  It’s beyond dismal that we have to prepare for a Clinton presidency after two terms of her appalling beliefs being put into practice.  Those who aren’t bracing for continued decrepitude may as well be surprised heroin doesn’t build muscle. Winning a race backward is nothing more than a practical matter now. She got to face the one buffoon who will assure her barftastic dream of sitting in the boss’s chair comes true despite her thoughts and conscience.

Choose which horrible thing you dread least.  Reality only lets failures get ahead so many times.  A Trump win is as frightening as it is implausible.  He doesn’t need your help getting crushed, so enjoy sitting this one out.  Watching those you know to be failures prove it may not fix the country, but it builds morale under the circumstances.  It’s too bad his voters never heeded one million warnings about his preposterous financial claims.  Can you still buy a New Jersey jersey?

If you tire of Trump henchmen being ever so pleasant, picture when they’ll take the blame.  It’s never too late for inferior white supremacists to learn the importance of accepting responsibility for historically appalling decisions.  They can try to evade, but they should know creditors tracked down their leader.

The real reason Trump’s shock force disavows individual rights is because they don’t want to be personally stuck with their atrocious taste in alliances.  Collective guilt is sure to follow mindless group decisions.  Sure, it seems exciting to join the stampede, but what about when the mindless herd decides you’re worth trampling?

All we can do is condemn attempts to taint properly-limited government with an improperly-limited oaf.  Just strive to keep a sad little raging man who thinks calling someone with a demonstrably higher IQ a dummy constitutes cleverness from being linked to small-government liberty.  We already know how to cope with noxious pushiness. Preparing for this moment wasn’t and isn’t fun.  But a sick world apparently doesn’t permit actual joyous success.  At least November won’t be your fault.  Watching while shaking your head beats being afire.  Let the immolators call 911 when they’re ready.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Miscast Nomination

Stunt casting gets attention in a way hiring a good actor can’t. Adding a big name to impress those who enjoy recognizing names on lobby posters is great unless you like quality productions.  I wish this election were fictional.  The man playing statist oaf Donald Trump is as unconvincing as Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne.  He also inherited a fortune, although he made mouthing off his superpower instead of funding cool gadgets.

An alleged star who bought his way into the GOP Hall of Justice hasn’t defeated any villains yet unless dignity counts. That enemy is hard to display. Superhero films usually just go with a demented-looking fellow who wants to blow up Earth from his vulgar fortress as an antagonist.  I’ve got a better role for the Republican nominee if anyone’s tired of plot holes.

I’m sure we’ll be fine aside from how buffoonery is now a virtue. Sophisticated contemporary man can’t tell the difference between being straightforward and simply obnoxious.  Those who choose boorishness to keep it real are the same ones who complain that conservatism gained nothing.  Well, you try winning elections while arguing with incredibly sane people promising unlimited free junk.

People who’ve read the Constitution are lucky to get in a few sentences. Those who’ve never even pondered that we could be solving our own crises are backed by crummy public schools, inane entertainment, and journalists who’d be amusing in their ineptness if they weren’t informing so many people.  Despite it all, a handful of people who don’t think businessmen are America’s greatest enemy have won elections.  How much progress would you find acceptable with a slim majority of a minority?

At least someone should respect what’s been prevented, from a hot war with the Soviets to even more industries owned by politicians who are unable to run their lives.  With the country’s state in mind, it’s amazing there’s anyone left who can remember a four-digit passcode. I just wish one party had nominated someone who fought Obamacare or bitch-slapped unions to see if they could go even bigger from the boss’s chair.

At least this election for Hell’s class president makes the case against the government running your life.  Would you prefer Hillary or Trump making your decisions? I don’t speak for anyone else, but I’d recommend saying no to both.  There’s no better argument for autonomy than 2016, which means this stupid time is not all horrific. At least learn from pain so there’s a little value.  Conservatism offers relief from being at the mercy of elderly despots, particularly these geezers.

I could use the opposite of some excitement.  These deliberately chaotic times can only be ended by someone boring, and that’s exactly what we won’t get.  I’m using the word in the sense of competent, although both major nominees are dull in their mendacity.

Even the randomness wearies, as the two horrid individuals facing off are predictable in how they’ll change answers.  Mrs. Clinton’s utterly calculated sentiments are only made more appalling by how we’ve had a quarter-century to learn she’s full of it.  Bubba’s legal queen could vouch for gravity and made water fall upward.

Perhaps you’d prefer a different kind of phony.  This is after all a nation with democratic principles.  There’s good news if you want id instead of ego.  Trump engages in the same repulsive pandering in a slightly less researched manner.  No, it’s not because he struggles with literacy, although you’d be excused for thinking that if you’ve attempted to read his tweets.

I said what you wanted to hear, so why don’t you love me for who I am? The tough-talking straight-shooter promises more of whatever got him applause.  Old-timers speak of days past when words meant something, although the 70-year-old Trump skipped that class at Wharton.  Doing whatever will get you votes during that particular five minutes is an interesting way to flaunt leadership.  You’d think a guy who thinks success comes in crudely parroting what you like wouldn’t have to boast about flimsy triumphs.

The fall should at least be thrilling.   But we snooze as the canyon floor approaches.  Trump’s tired insults embody the opposite of entertainment.  Post-Constitution America doesn’t even get the benefit of someone entertaining in charge of making confetti out of the founding document.  Could we at least get someone interesting to wreck things?  Unscripted reality means no compelling evildoer like Darth Vader will crush what’s left of the Republic.

Maybe those orange stubs will fumble away the lightsaber.  The nation could only be saved by Trump’s own ineptness, either by telling his voters the election’s in December or when citizens laugh off his executive order to cover every vertical surface with black glass.  If we’re lucky, he’ll do to America what he did to the USFL and Atlantic City. When has he bragged to obscure failure other than the past 40 years?

President Trump would bring about a conservative revolution.  Of course, it wouldn’t be like his sucker fans claim.  Instead, we’d just ignore him.  Living in defiance of an overbearing quasi-tyrant is a type of government reduction.  Boss everyone around while no one listens.  If it works for a hand-me-down empire where the only product is mouthing off, it’s bound to stomp out our gloom.  This script seems believable.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Remedial America

It’s hard to move the chains if you can’t throw a football.   Also, why are there chains?  Are we trying to trip our way to victory?  These are questions that should’ve been asked before training camp.  But we have to invest much of our precious time reviewing the basics.  Take notes, and note your pen doesn’t taste like blueberries.

Remembering the left-right walking sequence is apparently necessary based on our present remedial state.  Reiterate just why this country got to the point where it could decline so precipitously. Doing so may help us learn how entitled brats positioned themselves to hasten its decline by bitching about everyone before them who worked for it.  They’re grateful, peaceful folks otherwise.  Calculus is tricky when addition is beyond the realm of imagination.  How can two completely different numbers join to form a third, sorcerer?

America is now the home of Americans who don’t know how it got that way.  Our material needs are met, which means plenty of time to bitch.  Same bitching leads to scheming which in turn makes obtaining physical goods trickier.  Some perversely prefer hardship as a lesson to humans who wish to be comfortable on this apparently fragile planet. The only thing worse than not knowing what’s succeeded about human interaction is knowing and despising it, anyway.

I hope ignorance is the cause of contempt.  That’s a sure sign things are swell.  The enemies within either presume this nation can’t sink or are cool with it.  We’re in caring hands.  Young people look forward to spending 2036 taking the names of anyone who opposed letting men use women’s rooms off college buildings, presuming any are still standing by that point.  It won’t matter, as tuition will be $2.7 million per semester plus extracurriculars.  The next subsidy will finally be the one that lowers the cost of room and board.

Some problems are simple.  For one, young people and the immaturely elderly think socialism is cool while capitalism is evil because they’re awful morons.  I’m sorry to be insulting, but noting their profound ignorance is accurate in the same way their outlook is not. History is as foreign as math.  Forget learning the incalculable damage caused every time someone has collectivizing beings known for free will.  The knowledge that eating nails hurts your tummy is too tricky to acquire.  The precedent for any of the brutal maneuvers our maniacal government does today is missing for good reason.  It’s hard for those who don’t know what “precedent” means.

The 2016 citizen has no idea why this country works well, perhaps because it doesn’t anymore.  The idea that you could get better health care at a bargain on your own is as alien as wondering if you could pay for your own kids’ schooling.  And how could you get the economy going on your own: buying what you wish?  Forget it: we need a dolt with a plan.  The government’s supposed to provide.  Now, who’s supposed to provide for the government?  Those thieving goons who pay new hires eight bucks an hour because that’s what the work is worth won’t get away with offering jobs much longer.

We’d be in great shape if life was as easy as a promise.  It’d be nice if anyone could get around learning in the 21st freaking century that their fellow humans are often damn liars or just boastful dopes. Alternately, believe the maniacs who assure us that fire has been extinguished as the flames melt the teleprompter.  Relying on useless politicians to figure out solutions will doom us to a future that won’t be fixed by voting.

It’s not that people are unaware that government rips them off in exchange for either junk or nothing: it’s that that they don’t want the responsibility of shopping for themselves.  The best way to get health care for all is to promise health care for none.  Yes, it’s very mean to assume people should care for themselves.  But it’s easiest to acquire half-decent policies when you’re permitted to price them at more than one store.  True heartlessness comes in thinking you can dole out a cheaper cure at little or no cost.

Our erstwhile championship squad has lost the fundamentals.  Old people complaining that today’s game is nothing but obnoxious slamming have a point, unless they’re a batty Vermont pinko or entitled spouse of an ex-president who professes an affinity for the oppressed.

Teaching kids to be aggrieved is easier than letting them know it’ll make them miserable adults.  There’s no better case against public schools than how they churn out whippersnappers who’ve been taught nothing more than resentment.  Admiring a bellicose union teacher isn’t the sort of inspiration we had in mind.  The very institution that steers them the wrong way is what liberals consider a good start.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Flat Government

Class warfare is classless.  Oh, and it’s immoral and counterproductive, too.  But the rudeness really gets you.  The mannerly thing is to not provide inequitable assistance to any one income group, as the rich and poor can get along without supervision. One side can hire private armies, but their gritty adversary learns to fight guerrilla warfare in the streets, at least according to many Hollywood productions I’ve watched.  Alternately, they can just negotiate.

You should never be bothered if you offer labor for wages or goods for cash.  Government’s true role is indifference, and not in the letting-veterans-die-on-waiting-lists sense. Instead, figure out economic value amongst yourselves.  Once you can vote, it’s time to grow up and learn how to deal with others, kids.

It’s sadly fitting in our perfectly demented times that a flat tax is somehow portrayed as favoring the wealthy.  Such envious framing presumes that today’s skewed take is the correct one.  In the same sense, the best way to see a sunset is by looking up from the gutter.  There’s nothing ironically greedier than thinking others owe a greater slice as the pie grows.  More importantly, the ingredients get wasted. Washington shreds the cash it’s sent. The claim that politicians can reassemble destroyed bills into even more of them seems dubious.  Humans who earn raises should not be expected to give a higher percentage to be frittered.

The notion that free market fans back the rich is as distorted as the belief Donald Trump is either.  True commerce is not tilted in one way.  Yes, everyone fights for themselves, and that’s exactly the benefit.  You know what you want and how to get it.  Others have to engage in discussion to get what they’d like, so everyone’s holding everyone else accountable.  Hey, check it out: we’re self-regulating.  Next thing you know, we’ll be capable of buying insurance without an order.

Mean companies won’t get very far exploiting you, what with their competitors being nicer. And the one thing our government has proven to be awful is helping the little guy, unless a swift kick to the naughty bits counts.  It’s as if incentives are reduced if one doesn’t personally have a stake. I just wish there was a broader lesson to apply.

It’s easier to win at chess once you realize the pieces are movable.  A lack of subsidies or punishments allows those presently pulling low incomes to rise without penalty.  Yet politicians feel they help tread water by throwing anvils at those taking swimming lessons.  While it’s fun to have godlike power, most of those elected who wield it aren’t fit to shine Satan’s codpiece.  Life on this dumb planet may never be heavenly, but at least we can experience the alternative joy of being left alone.

Those who see getting rich as a competition are doomed to lose.  Nobody’s profiting at your expense except in the way you buy things you like, and that’s actually fun.  Help others get rich through purchases, not taxes; you get approximately a million times more value from the latter.  Maybe those newly-wealthy twerps will even hire erstwhile neighbors as a result of being allowed to keep what they’ve earned.  There’s no bigger nonsense than the concept of “giving back” as if the prosperous took something in the first place.  Paying a salary in exchange for profitable behavior is the only giving necessary.

Bullying the economy is the only fad worse than Miley Cyrus. Get out of humanity’s way so individuals are free to advance. Wealth-spreaders need to find a different approach to action.  They see life as an oil painting where nothing moves.  We have moving pictures now and even talkies.

Like Dangerous Danny Davis, some are better officiating than participating.  Government’s job is to punish fraud, not grant favors to the successful.  The wealthy don’t need another break, whether they own an insurance peddler or solar panel company that generates nothing but subsidies.  Capitalism is just a name given to people trading what they have for what they want.  Complaining that it’s heartless doesn’t make a voluntary trade immoral.

Simultaneously, there’s precisely nothing compassionate about paying the poor just enough to not get ahead.  Have some faith in self-improvement. Wealth distribution presumes the proles are stuck in place and thus can possess nothing more than their trying circumstances.  Whining about a rigged game is for those who think everyone else is a failure.  There are nicer ways of talking down to people.

I don’t understand where all the beer went or why I’m so thirsty.  Lump sums don’t last, just in case politicians haven’t noticed.  Those looking past tomorrow need the chance to earn steady income.  Punish success if you’d like less of it, you sick freak.  Barriers stop progress, to the shock of some.  Government would ideally learn the lessons that entrepreneurs already know.  But they never will, as they don’t have to worry about their own funds evaporating. Restraint is the politician’s greatest asset.  None of them know what they’re doing.  The good ones admit it.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Half-Irked, Half-Bored

The plan to beat Americans into submission has worked well, which makes it the only thing presently functioning.  Everyone residing in this erstwhile kick-ass nation should be in revolt over how much they’re bossed around.  Instead, many got in the mindless habit of complying.  I guess receiving directions is easier than the anxiety of decisions.

Exercising autonomy is subversive, at least according to those conditioned to obey.  The government was trying to beat down citizens so they wouldn’t be upset about vanquished liberty.  At least, they’re better at cynicism than commerce.

Ask the guy plummeting off the cliff how many more stop signs he needed. There have been too many moments that have passed by which should’ve provided clarifying realizations to ostensibly free people.  The quantity of preposterous intrusions is overwhelming for a reason. Politicians think they’re smarter than the vaguely fellow humans over which they rule.  Those elected don’t have a choice.  Those who elected should feel shame for being too lazy to think further.

A business plan is tricky to assemble, so bossy leaders will forego private sector work in favor of ordering everyone to quit worrying. First, they need to convince those they see as subjects that independent thought is as pointless as it is dangerous.  As a result, we cope with the perfectly perverse humiliation of a president who kneels for despots while kneecapping Americans.  The incessant invasion into our right to buy what we wish from whom we’d like is beyond tiresome.  Thanks to doughy federal agencies concluding it’s in their interest to monitor your health, you can’t even enjoy any food you can afford.

As a reminder, you’re still subject to an insurance mandate in a country founded upon telling authority to sod off. The notion of piping down and obeying offends the ghosts of every patriot who died before 2008.  The specters are also horrified by how we wait in line to be molested by nasty felonious high school dropouts for the honor of traveling by plane.  The TSA shouldn’t be the result of conquering the sky.  Stuffing ourselves either in the sky or on land is also frowned upon because we apparently lost a war.  Humans have every damn right to consume ice cream from the container despite lemmings claiming the Celery Patrol’s warrantless searches are for our own good.

The junkie needs an intervention to see how low he’s sunk.  You may find it hard to tell if these addicts scorn the Constitution or are simply ignorant of their own capabilities as humans able to make decisions.  It’s a fun game.  At least be glad the executive respects the amazing framework.  Oops. Well, maybe that’ll happen if there’s anyone left who wants the respect that accompanies letting people address their own health needs.  The alternative is to continue letting the government presume we would never buy plans to counteract diseases we don’t presently have.

Those old people who wrote our rulebook didn’t know there’d ever be suffering.  Let’s pool our resources to counter the hoary idea that values and experiences are universal.  Next, embrace the deflating notion that we can’t understand each other unless we share identical backgrounds.  We may as well burn Shakespeare’s works.  That oppressive honky had the nerve to think consequences follow actions.

At least psychology textbook publishers have ample material.  They should send Christmas cards to everyone who casually accepts rights violations.  Taking income sure seems like legalized theft if you ponder what’s taken compared to what’s returned.  Well, it helps others and makes the economy purr, if you haven’t heard the claims. Plus you don’t want anarchy, do you?  Hand over half your working life’s reward or the wolves will take over the streets.

Dare enjoy food?  Calorie counts take the happiness right off your tongue. Representatives of a chunky government have decided it’s their right to control your salty impulses.  Some tasteless drones assent because they think it’s someone else’s job to make decisions.  As a result, you’re forced to notice how much energy your ice cream pint contains lest you think of momentarily forgetting consequences.  Doesn’t the Constitution list weight monitoring as one of government’s functions?  If not, it should.  It’s for our own good, much like smugness about how, say, it’s fine to ban plastic bags because enlightened comrades use the bacteria factories they call reusable sacks.  A vague benefit requires infringing on your specific rights.

Take a picayune restriction to counter the massive interdiction.  The oscillation between massive incursions into our lives with irksome regulations doesn’t offer much variety.  Humans should feel the urge to flip off those wagging fingers in their faces. Instead, some bees scoff at those who dare think honey belongs to the insects who made it.  Resist such buggy behavior.  Don’t ask permission first.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at