Choose which of two unpleasant semi-fascists who embody everything we rightfully loathe about urban dwellers you’d like to set American policy. Wouldn’t it be more fun to watch people who ask for irritation deal with such a rotten choice? The Peter principle states employees get promoted to their level of incompetence, which is unfamiliar to sneaky rich presidential competitors who’ve only bought and sold favors, respectively. They’re presently embodying it.
In the idyllic world where we obviously don’t reside, the 2016 presidential race would be contained to afflict an appropriate area. Hillary versus Donald would be fitting and funny as next year’s New York City mayoral election. The NYPD doesn’t have nukes despite what the union wants, which is best for all parties in question.
I say so as a Knickerbocker: don’t emulate New York City. Those drawn to this stupidly cramped and hideously rude human zoo are weird and know it. Take it from someone stupid enough to live on the same island as Trump Tower. It would be fitting if these two colossally unsuitable potential presidents vied for dominion over this preposterous municipality. Everyone involved deserves each other.
Most importantly and improbably, either Clinton or Trump would actually be an upgrade. The unlikely possibility either would be preferable comes courtesy of the limply vile Bill de Blasio, who thinks he has the right to tell people who finance the city they have no right to keep their earnings but refuses to condemn felons. The pinko putz’s only job is to not make life harder for us than it is, at which he’s failed for everyone but a new generation of subway panhandlers.
A midtown catfight would be quite amusing between fake New Yorkers. Hillary is literally so. Out of countless shameful abominations, none is as disgraceful as her correctly calculating that the state’s despondently predictable voters would back an unaccomplished carpetbagger. Meanwhile, Trump tries to act like a Queens tough guy and Manhattan baron while failing at both. I wish borough residents were the only ones deciding who is less phony. We’d have the New York Post headlines to help us cope. A Gotham-style election inflicted nationally is a tragedy I hope makes all Americans as crabby as us only so it doesn’t feel as lonely.
Outsiders could watch the mental patients scuffle with detached contempt from the sanitarium’s visiting area. All those involved with this election are as repulsive as expected given who’s at the top. Most glaringly, Rudy Giuliani frittering away his credibility is an unpleasant aftershock of the Trumpquake.
Those who just want government to bother criminals and not earners are tired of being linked to former and faux conservatives. Ideally, these rightfully despised statists would only be competing in a pinko hellhole. This contest should be an Escape from New York scenario where the demented city is contained to protect everyone else. Build the wall!
Luckily for those in this fantasy, one can be a jerk and effective mayor. We only get one right now, and let’s just say this bastard seems unconcerned by the spike in muggers’ rights. The possible presidents are easy to loathe. But at least the potential imaginary replacements could dispatch lieutenants to cope with municipal matters. They’d get credit, which to them is the apex of importance.
Either of these uniquely unpleasant candidates is capable of screwing up a straightforward executive job. Sure, the person who couldn’t profit off senior citizens willingly feeding slot machines might screw up New York City just like the woman who still hasn’t sent help to Benghazi. But that’s a risk we’d have to take.
Both of the regrettable challengers would possibly allow graffiti to return as the official wall covering. Yet law and order posers might be able to fake their way to competence by appealing to legitimate fear of reliving the 1970s. Breaker, breaker, I’m getting out my CB radio, good buddy.
Fake generals could let lieutenants save the city. All it would take to seem competent is appointing a hardass as police commissioner who effects the actual arrests. Short of going with, say, Huma Abedin or Stephen Bannon, either figurehead could appear competent while not having to do much. Wouldn’t it be fun for one of these frauds to hire someone fitting for a change?
The more unpolished lunatic wannabe Duce might actually run next year if he feels it will help him recover from humiliation. National voters have repeatedly demonstrated they’re not going to vote for a de facto liberal when the real thing is running. Cult adherents thought they were nominating an outsider when it was just Mitt Romney on steroids and without manners. Other than exacerbating Republicans’ worst mistakes without offering advantages, we’ll always treasure the time when Trump represented the same party as Lincoln.
The hypothetical local crummy race would finally bring revenge for those sick of the city’s exported attitude. A Donald versus Hillary race to run New York’s government would rightfully amuse the rest of the country. People with yards and driveways snicker while shaking their heads at snotty metropolitans who think they’re superior by virtue of riding with rabble on public transportation. Paying a fortune to rent a closet leaves little for groceries, not that there’s anywhere pleasant to buy paper towels and Cap’n Crunch. Man, this is so much cooler than having a second floor and being able to drive.
This city would suffer under the insufferable offerings. Exactly zero people to the Hudson’s west would feel bad. A dream of a nightmare matchup reflects the torment that’s part of everyday life in the noisiest of urban dumps. While wholly unfit to find a head of state, it’s too bad two grating personalities aren’t bickering over subway fares like they should be.
The comeuppance would also apply to jerk locals as revenge for disdain aimed at Red State residents who think life has meaning and look forward to driving to Sonic. Here in Stink City, we’re used to unaccomplished loudmouths trying to mask ineptness with bravado. We’d ache under Mayor Clinton or Trump. Everyone else would be safe.
Anthony Bialy 
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